Flowers Flowers are the classic choice.  Blooming in a vase in the corner of the room for a few days, they represent love and nature and everything.  Of course not, they actually represent the reality of these situations, which is that when you are young and beautiful, you're attractive, ready to be shown off.  As you grow old and wilt, losing your shine, you will be cast off into the dustbin (a metaphorical dustbin), and replaced.  Plus they look like you bought them in a garage. Chocolates Another vintage choice - the chocolate box.  Unfortunately, Valentine's Day falls just six weeks after Christmas, and frankly, our digestive systems are still recovering from the impacted backlog of a giant box of Ferrero Rocher.  But ...

This Valentine's Day, don't go out of your way to buy your beloved something special that will blow their mind.  Just fire up Amazon, search for "Valentine" and marvel at the tat on offer.  We trawled through their collection and marvelled at said tat below.  Have a lovely day/tearful wank. Remember that marketing campaign a while back which made out that it was a big deal for you to give up your last Rolo?  Rather than turning the gift into a romantic gesture, it just caused arguments - "Fuck off, you should have had a pack. I did offer!"  It's okay if you've forgotten about the gimmick, as we assume most people have. One company that hasn’t is Birch Jewellers, who are selling ...

Films to watch on Valentines Day when you’re bitterly alone. It’s near impossible to watch a film these days and not be bowled over by some romantic element in it. Something that makes you pine for stroking a beautiful woman’s soft hair, or having a strong man wrap his arms around you. As it’s Valentine’s Day, the last thing you want to do is sit in your PJs with a tub of olives covered in ice cream and box of wine just to watch people make out on screen. So I’ve put together a list of three watchable films for you bitter lonely witches/bachelors. Valentine (2001) Dir. Jamie Blanks This is a typical American ‘sex = MURDER’ movie which causes you to scream ...

It’s Valentine’s Day! Which means you’re either a) spending it doing something awfully romantic with that person who won’t stop sleeping over and calling you, b) going out with friends because you “just don’t care”, or c) staying in and crywanking over Amélie. Whichever venture you choose is fine, but I have another option, which I regularly use during lonely times, be it Valentine’s Day or ‘Sunday night’. Now, I’m not usually prone to giving away my coveted techniques, but for the sake of those out there who keep getting caught: here are my tips on how to stalk someone until they give up on life itself and get a restraining order against you/start dating you. Stalking in person  Very much like ...