Well kids, it's been exciting, disturbing and sometimes touching. We've spent the last eight weeks laughing at their seemingly boundless stupidity and pitying their girlfriends. Now, however, one lucky Tool is going to be given £25,000 for doing little more than turning up and trying not to look too idiotic. IT'S THE TOOL ACADEMY FINAL! The remaining Tools (Houdini, Power and Idle) let off steam with their girlfriends in a tool shed (no, not like that). Leon lets slip to Emma that Mo has revealed a dirty secret: 'Mo's got a silver tongue...it's about sleeping with one girl and two hours later sleeping with his missus.' Of course Emma has to spill the details to Mo's girlfriend Kelsey, who immediately rushes off to confront him. Mo suspects that Leon has ...

The semi-final is upon us at last and it is hard to tell if the remaining Tools have made any discernible improvement. Just four couples remain; Idle Tool, Houdini Tool, Debt Tool and Power Tool. Will any of them ever become men? This week's class is HONESTY. Dr. Scott patiently explains that honesty is the strong foundation that a relationship is based on. Power Tool immediately starts blaming girlfriend Kelly's previous dancing occupation for their problems in order to distract from any Toolish behaviour that might previously have slipped under the radar. The other Tools are not so fortunate, and Idle Tool confesses to a full on affair. The good news is that in order to wring out the last drop of ...

If you're a tool now is the time to hide behind the sofa, because the Academy is back for another week of classes. Which Tool will fail, and be sent home to be an epic loser forever? It is morning, and the Tools are awoken by a tiny guru 'omming' in the middle of their dormitory. Openly referring to him as 'wee man' might not be the best way to proceed when dealing with someone who might have actual real powers, but the Tools have just woken up so we'll forgive them. They probably think it's a dream. Once they've changed into their spiritual harem pants and headed outside they are joined by their girlfriends. Kelsey, Houdini Tool's lady-friend, appears distressed, ...

It's week 5 and we return to the Academy with a mixture of trepidation and disgust. What will the Kings of Men be up to this week, and will they finally learn the error of their ways? Er....probably not. The Tools awake, and Ritchie is nervous about coming face to face with Jenna in the classroom. This week's lesson is Affection. This is going to be amazing. Jenna and Ritchie do not look very affectionate. As Dr. Scott talks it becomes apparent that when she says affection she means sex. By this point it has become apparent that Ritchie and Jenna have so little affection for each other that the class will have to take time out for Ritchie to apologise ...

It's week four, King of Men seems a long, long time ago and our Tools are no closer to becoming men. It is with despair that I prepare to face a full hour of sheer childishness and men getting their cocks out. The episode kicks off with some of the Tools all taking one for the team and getting tattoos. Tattoos that say 'Tool Academy 2011'. Yes, they have chosen to brand themselves for life as a Tool. Rick Edwards is not making them do this. Let us just absorb that for a moment, before moving on to this weeks lesson; perception. In order for the Tools to see how others perceive them, they will view the footage of their terrible behaviour ...

However deeply we believe it would be better to look away, we must return to the Tool Academy this week and face the evil within. It is important that we educate ourselves on the extent of man's potential to go horribly wrong; we need to make sure this never happens again. It's week 3 at the mansion and the Tools are learning about communication; namely that communication does not just extend to shouting 'fuck' in your girlfriend's face (Just to note: within seconds of the show starting I saw two actual cocks- shouldn't I be getting some sort of compensation for my eyes?). The Tools sit hunched and shamefaced behind their desks, clearly intimidated by Dr. Sandra, the world's least terrifying ...

IT'S TOOL TIME! Now that 'King of Men' has been exposed as a farce and the participants revealed as TOOLS, it's time for the Tool Academy term to commence and our tools to begin the long journey to manhood. It's the first morning at the academy and the Tools are bemused as to what they have done to deserve this humiliation. Houdini Tool, Mo, puts it perhaps the most eloquently, 'I just want to hug her and give her a kiss, then smack her arse and ask 'why have you put me on here, you bitch.' What a charmer. While they are at the Academy the Tools will wear the compulsory uniform designed to make them look like idiots and attend lessons with their girlfriends. ...

LADIES! It's time to meet the 2011 tools. Don't be afraid, it's OK, we have nice Rick Edwards to guide us through and keep us safe. The newest batch of tools have been persuaded to appear as tools through the medium of lies; they think they are competing on a show called 'King of Men' presented by Olympic Athlete Iwan Thomas. The fact that they believe that they are the best men the UK can offer only serves the highlight what huge Tools they are. They board a double decker 'party bus' and head off on a big night out. Sadly, it's now time to meet the first three tools. Adam a.k.a Drama Tool thinks he's slept with hundreds of woman. ...

It’s the final tool down! Geezer Tool Harry, Massive Tool Dave and Jealous Tool Danny are the last ones standing. They get to have a nice dinner altogether with their Laydeez, The Lovely Faye, Lyndsay and Becky. Lovely. The Tools seem to think they’ve been on “a journey”. Massive Tool Dave – the game player on a game show – is keeping his eyes on the prize though. Good man. £25,000 is not to be sniffed at. Presenter Rick Edwards tells them that they get to spend their final night together. With contraception. Responsible, no? Jealous Tool Danny immediately thinks they’ll be sleeping in separate cages. A bit extreme maybe. The reality is that they have some cutesy little piglets to look after ...

We’re down to the final four Tools – Massive Tool Dave, Jealous Tool Danny, Geezer Tool Harry and the fuzzily loveable Stoner Tool Bobby. I can’t help but think that maybe they got the rules of this thing the wrong way round – these four are arguably toolish but not out and out Tools like some of those we’ve lost along the way (Angry Tool Jake, Randy Tool Liam – we’re reluctantly looking at you). This week The Tools and their Laydeez had to sit in boats that would sink if The Tools incorrectly answered questions about their Laydeez. The Laydeez had to try and scoop the water out. Poor Stoner Tool Bobby can barely remember his name, never mind what ...

So, last week we learnt more than we wanted to about The Tools' sexual inabilities, then Tipsy Tool Hus and his Wannabe Reader’s Wife Jill got kicked out. This week, presenter Rick Edwards introduces the term Twag to refer to the Laydeez. I approve of this new vocabulary. Also this week, we get fake funerals and running with a crazy US army man called Mykel Hawke. YES. Even the spelling of his name tells you he’s nearly as awesome at stuff as Steven Seagal. Sir Hawke Sir! woke everyone up to get them to do exercise shiz. Which meant the Laydeez carrying the Tools on their backs as some kind of literal metaphor for their relationships. Poor Lyndsay – she had to carry ...

So last week we lost the biggest Tool of them all – Randy Tool Liam. Compared to him, The Tools who are left aren’t all that Toolish to be honest. The girls all thought Poor Deluded Toni should’ve just killed him. Massive Tool Dave’s response to the situation was to bond with The Tools by getting matching tattoos. What? Yep. Tattoos. All their own idea. And what did they get tattooed? Why the Tool Academy logo of course! What better as a bonding experience than a permanent reminder that your girlfriend thinks you’re a tosser?! Poser Tool Pete didn’t get one though because of his awesome modelling career. And because he thought he didn’t have the body for it. Cowardy custard. This week’s lesson ...

So after seeing the GASPS of shock from last week, what on earth could we expect this week? Well, this week is all about fidelity. Umhm. Psychiatrist Lady Dr Scott gathered The Tools and their Laydeez together and announced the theme of fidelity. Randy Tool Liam clearly turned to his doting dolt Toni to ask what that meant. Of course he doesn’t know. Dr Scott also told them they’d be taking part in a marriage ceremony and they had to go off and write their vows. The Tools all seemed to be making an effort to be romantical and express their luurrrrrve via the medium of the few words they know. Their Laydeez though, well, they were all about the smut. Tipsy ...

So after the recap from last week, we learn that this week’s “lesson” is about Trust. According to those in the know, relationships cannot survive without it. According to us in the know, at least one of The Tools is going to come unstuck.... hello Randy Tool Liam! Psychologist Lady Dr Scott asks what The Tools and their Laydeez know about trust in relationships. Apparently they know it’s important. Well done. Stoner Tool Bobby admits he gets paranoid. Becky, Laydee of Poser Tool Pete, who last week admitted to going through his phone tries to defend random numbers in her phone, which he goes through. The Tools are asked to leave and they don’t know why. They understandably get nervous then it ...

If you had a boyfriend who was a complete knobcheese, you’d dump him, right? Exactly. That’s because you’re not the kind of girl who thinks being on a dubious US rip off on E4 is just the thing to CHANGE HER MAN. Tool Academy is like a trip to a zoo comprised entirely of the kind of people you’d see in Krystals on a Saturday night. Each of the “Tools” has a “personality” ascribed to them because they don’t have one themselves. We’ve got Randy Tool, Geezer Tool, Twinkle Tool (he’s the one who’s girlfriend is convinced is gay), Football Tool, Massive Tool (who’s crime seems to be not washing up), Vain Tool, Poser Tool (not sure how that differs from ...