It’s the final Final! Two more hours of tedium and awfulness! Let’s do this! There’s no dancing from Dermot but there is Tulisa wearing not only shoes she can’t walk in but also a dress she can’t walk in. Time for a big group Sing-Song-Mime-Along which seems to be an advert for Now What Number Are We Up To? There’s 2Shoes! And The Risk! And Nu Vibe! And Misha! And Twee Janet! And Sophie HABBBBEEEEEEEBBBBIIIISSSS! And Goldie! What, Goldie? Yes. Even though she wasn’t in the live shows, Goldie was clearly one of the stars of the series so she’s back ahead of Jon Jo the soldier and hat botherer James. There’s also Lovely Johnny, Brassy Sammi and Biscuit Boy Craig and ...

So here we are. Ready for FOUR HOURS of X Factor Final action. Are we ready? I’m not sure. The final’s between 46 year old Amelia Lily, singing hairdresser Marcus and Little Mix, who Tulisa keeps trying to insist on calling Little Muffins which is surely not the way to go when they’re so sensitive about their weight. So yeah, any of them could win and no one really cares. Because no one’s been watching this year, there’s no big duets going on. Instead, the finalists have to duet with their mentors. This has only happened because Louis has no acts left and they’ve spent all their money hiring out Wembley for the weekend. Let’s get on it then. Poor Dermot’s dance ...

Last night we saw horrors, mediocrity and Louis talking sense. It was that bizarre. Twee Janet from The Field Of Despairing Loneliness is surely odds on to go seeing as she forgot the words to ‘Mmbop’ and claimed she was so alternative for liking the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Tonight we get treated to Olly Murs and Jessie J. Sorry, did I say treated to? I meant tortured by. Oh and we get to see the charity single from the finalists. Which also features JLS and Wand Erection because they simply aren’t good enough this year to be left on their own. Ooh look, judges. I don’t know what Tulisa is wearing but it is not a good look. Louis has taken ...

So last week Biscuit Boy Craig got to leave Gary’s Vortex Of Joylessness and stuff his face with as many custard creams as he wants after he lost the first deadlock of the series against 46 year old Amelia Lily. This week we apparently have guilty pleasures and all contestants singing two songs each. Blimey. This week Poor Dermot has to come out doing some weird punchy dancey thing. The only saving grace is that his soundtrack is ‘Holding Out For A Hero’ which is the second greatest song Bonnie Tyler ever did. For some reason, the judges get to come out to the Star Wars theme. Tulisa’s showing us two arms now. Who knows what she’s advertising now. Dermot is busy hoping ...

Results show! Recaps! Rebecca Ferguson! RHHHHHIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAANNNNA! Lovely. Dermot doesn’t have to do the dancing on the results show which is a blessing in many ways. Here are the judges. Kelly’s BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS are back representin’ y’all. Or something. Anyway, they’re there. Sing-Song-Mime-Along time! They’re doing ‘When You’re Gone’ by Bryan Adams and Scouse Spice. I don’t know why they didn’t do the Sing-Song-Mime-Along from the start. It is gloriously awful. Janet is making no effort with this tawdry pop song. Misha looks like she’s come as one of Salt’n’Pepa. Oh but wait! Actual Bryan Adams! Doing Guitar Miming but Actual Singing. Amaze. Oh. It turns out he’s only here because he’s got a tour and Greatest Hits to promote. His advice is to ...

So before we start on this week’s debacle, a quick word about last week. The astute amongst you will have noticed that there were no words from me on the subject. That’s because I was super busy last week and simply didn’t get round to watching it. And you know what? I didn’t particularly care. I called it that Amelia Lily would be back and I could’ve called it that Kitty would be gone. I didn’t need to see it. That’s one of the things wrong with X Factor this year. Anyway, this week and it’s Movie Theme night which means LITERALLY any song that’s ever been committed to a soundtrack could be sung. Dermot comes out doing his awkward dancing with ...

The X-Factor has always, always been mental. The overly dramatic music, the faux-sob stories, the awful parade of deluded lunatics in the auditions - and as everyone knows, they've already to see Cowell and Co. Well, this year they have pushed the boundaries of fuck-ups. From beginning to end, the 'singing' has been a distraction from all the other shite that's been going on. Shall we explore what exactly the ruddy heck has been going on? Laughing at the mentally deficient Serial auditionee Ceri Rees is at best deluded, at worse mentally deranged. She has auditioned every year since 2006 and cannot sing. At all. She has no musical talent. At all. And yet, year after year, rather than the X-Factor producers thinking "you know ...

So last night was fairly average. It’s a good job they have a ridiculously long catch up as I can barely remember what happened. This doesn’t bode well for the two acts who have to go home, does it? It’s ok though, we’ve got JLS and Florence and her machines to stomp all over the place like some kind of marauding Decpticons. The judges are all holding hands as they come out because they all get on, right? RIGHT? Ok. Group sing-song-mime-a-long time! They’re doing ‘Price Tag’ by Jessie J. They’re endearingly awful at miming. It’s brilliant. Almost as brilliant as watching Janet trying to act pleased about singing such a song. She’s too angsty and angry for such pop frivolity. Kitty ...

Last week consisted of so much scripted DRAMZ it was almost impossible. Oh and Alexandra Burke. This week promises FIREWORKS (it’s Bonfire Night see? SEE THE LINK DAMMIT!) and Kelly’s back y’all to put everyone down in either a metaphorical or a literal sense, who knows. This week’s theme is Club Classics and is in no way designed to appeal to the kind of person who listens to Club Classics on Heart while they’re getting ready to neck Bacardi Breezers on a night out. No. Not at all. Dermot’s trying to tell us that there’s not going to be any ballads. Don’t be so sure Dermot, don’t be so sure. Oh and there’s a double elimination because Simon’s panicking a bit. As ...

Last night, Louis told Sophie that she sounded like a secretary who sings at weekends, we all had to go to the clap clinic after watching Frankie and Alexandra Burke managed to annoy everyone. Tonight we get Cher Lloyd and Nicole Schersunderererhotzingertowerburger. Oh STOP! You’re spoiling us! Oh wait, they’re not offering us Ferrero Rocher but mediocre pop puppets. Kelly’s still “ill” so Alexandra "Ok.com babe" is back. Deep joy. At least she doesn’t have to offer much opinion tonight. Tulisa’s back to doing that annoying arm thing. Stop it. Stop it now. No matter. There’s a Group Sing-Song-Mime-A-Long! Hurrah! They’re doing that bright light city song by Cee-Lo Green. He was on a couple of weeks ago, remember? No, me neither. ...

Last week saw Brassy Sami booted out by Louis who didn’t want her there anyway, Tulisa and Kelly totally fell out and Persistent Girl Botherer Frankie is inexplicably still there. This week? Well, Kelly has phoned in sick, which in International Popstar language means flown back home to the US. Is Tulisa really that bad? Simon’s apparently told Louis that his job is safe and well. Oh and Ashley left The Risk so they drafted in someone from Nu Vibe. Totes engineered dramz. If Kelly’s ill though who will replace her? Simon? Katy Perry? Nicole Schersunderererhotzingertowerburger? No. Alexandra Burke. Right. Yeah. Disappointing. It all kicks off with Dermot emerging with dancers in pvc and dancing. It’s Halloween see? Tulisa understands Halloween better ...

So last night was supposed to be rock and was more small pebble caught in your shoe that really hurts but you can’t quite seem to get it out. Who was so gut wrenchingly awful though that they simply have to go? Clearly the answer to that is Frankie but we’ll have to wait and see. Kelly’s put her BOOOOOOOOOBS away this week, which is a bit of a shame. They were one of the best bits last week. Anyway, there’s three “star” guests this week which means no room for a group Sing-Song-Mime-A-Long. Boooo! They’re the only thing to make the results show watchable. Look though, it’s Kelly Clarkson! Remember her? She won American Idol and had that song that was amazing ...

So last week Louis said swagger, Johnny scared Gary and Nu Vibe were awful enough to be sent home. Apparently it was a RATINGS DISASTER so the producers think that re-introducing Rock Week is totes the right way to fix this. Erm..... Gary’s got into the spirit of Rock Week in the only way he knows how – faux leather jacket and carefully crafted stubble. Dermot is so excited he can’t even wait for the X to part before he bounds through wearing... A SUIT THAT FITS! Praise be Dermot! Praise be indeed! Singing Hairdresser Marcus is up first. Because they learnt that no one likes sob stories, they’ve all been saved for the finalists to trickle out like grey matter in ...

Last night we had some good, some bad and some indifferent singing. Tonight, we have the results of the public vote and so this is the first proper results show. One of the things that was wrong with last week was the lack of an actual singing star and a GROUP SING-SONG-MIME-A-LONG! This week we have both. And The Wanted. The first notable thing is KELLY’S BOOOOOOOOBS. Girl has had them done and isn’t afraid to show them off. Good for her. They are a very POW! Never mind them though. It’s time for Auto Tune Heaven in the form of the Group Sing-Song-Mime-A-Long. They do That Song With The Tennis Playing Video. Except they have phone boxes. Because this is the first ...

So last week was almost like an extension of Judges’ Houses when the judges had to send home one of their own acts instead of there being a public vote. That makes this week the first week proper of live shows in that case as people can actually vote and as we’ve learnt before, that can mean anything. Someone’s discovered the vintage effect on their editing software. Lovely. Dermot’s back to wearing suits that don’t quite fit him properly, Gary is still forsaking ties and chest hair, Tulisa is still insisting on showing us her chavtastic tattoo, Louis is still grinning like an inane fool and so order is restored. The theme this week is Love and Heartbreak, which means that ...

So, we sat through a lifetime’s worth of X Factor in order to sit through another lifetime’s worth of results show. I’m watching it on catch up though so I can fast forward through all the adverts and Matt Cardle. Just in case you had some kind of episode following the sheer relentlessness of the live show, we’re handily reminded of who everyone is. Dermot’s still sticking with that suit thing instead of the hipster sailor look. Gary seems to have an aversion to ties. Then we have to sit through a recap of what happened last night. Except I don’t. It’s too much too soon. Then they try to make Matt Cardle sound exciting except then he sings that dire song ...

You don’t have any plans between now and Christmas do you? Of course not. Not with THREE AND A HALF HOURS of X Factor dramarama to get through. I did have plans – well, I was working – so I’m watching it ALL IN ONE GO. Hold me. We’re at the live show stage. We’re promised BIG TWISTS – which aren’t big because we all knew about them last week. We do get snazzy new titles and a remix of the theme tune. So let’s get on it. Dermot’s forsaken his hipster sailor look in favour of some sharp tailoring. The themes are still reassuringly broad and vague – this week UK v US – which could mean LITERALLY ANY SONG could ...

Having sufficiently recovered from the previous lot of drama, it’s now time for the crazy drawn out tension of Decision Time. In LA, the boys are busy saying how much it means to them and how a few little words from Gary will change their lives forever. Blah, blah, blah. Cue slo-mo walk of death montage. Face Licker Luke, Biscuit Boy Craig and Singing Hairdresser Marcus are the first to have their fates decided. As predicted Luke is out. He will be back next year though. Biscuit Boy Craig is apparently Gary’s secret weapon and is through to the live shows. As is Singing Hairdresser Marcus. Next up are Squirrel Max, Aidenesque Joe and Persistent Hat Botherer James. Gary wheels out platitudes of ...

It’s the Battle Royale of X Factor this week! Judges Houses! We’re international this weekend seeing as even Louis has realised that going to a castle in Ireland is a little bit rubbish. There’s already drama as someone called Sian who I can’t remember is replaced by someone else I can’t remember. Oh. First to Greece and Tulisa facing the worst choice ever as she has to pick her final four groups. There is no JLS or Wand Erection in this motley bunch. You know this when you start thinking Two Shoes are serious contenders. Oh look, she’s got Jessie J to help her choose. That’s better than touring with Katy Perry isn’t it, Jessie? Oh. Where’s better than Greece? Miami. Yes. Kelly ...