If you’re having fun over the festive period, then you probably haven’t given much thought to whether your partner is cheating on you.  In the world of Pick Me Up, if you don’t think your “man is doing the dirty”, then you’re just not looking hard enough. They’ve got in touch with a Private Investigator, who offers his top ten ways to catch a Christmas Cheat.  And honestly, they are absolutely mental.  They’re clearly not aimed at people who are, er, even a bit normal; it’s for thick scumbags who can’t work out why their fella goes out every night without explanation, or why gets anxious every time his phone beeps, or why he no longer demands sex every night.  These ...

Weekly chav-bait magazine Pick Me Up likes to believe in a bit of the supernatural, ghosts, spirits, fairies and all that gumf. One of their most popular features is the resident psychic, a typically middle-aged, female liar, who pretends that she can talk to the dead. Rather than achieving world fame, riches and a Nobel prize, they decide to peddle their gift via a £1.50 a minute hotline, and in the back of a magazine. What worthy causes does the Photo Psychic throw her weight behind? Solving a murder? Nope, she's dabbling in the property market: I've had my house on the market since last summer. Lots of people have seen it, and said really nice things, but no-one's made an offer. Can ...

Inexplicably, the weekly horror mags - Pick Me Up, Love It, etc - present the idea of ghosts as though they were as real as cheese or despair.  And so, every week, there's a mad article about someone who co-incidentally predicted a car accident, or saw the spirit of their dead nan knitting and stinking of piss in the corner of the room. This week's Pick Me Up (it was an emergency purchase to read on the train; don't judge me) is no different.  It features the story of Nathan Wakefield, and his thick mum Dawn, who reckon that he can communicate with the dead.  Can he?  No, of course not. And what evidence is there?  " 'Grandad's here,' he'd say to ...

Pick Me Up magazine, one of the nation's favourite compendia of people's horrible lives, is on Facebook. They asked: "How dramatic was Corrie last night? What's the most exciting thing that's happened in your street? " Unfortunately, most of their readers live on streets that are paved with used needles rather than the cobbles of Corrie (is that right? We watched it for the first time the other night when that tram crashed, and didn't really know what was going on). Their stories are less "Coronation Street" and more "Oh god, just move out of your street"... These are some of our favourites... "I've been asked a question, so I must answer it...": nothing they are mostly older people living in this street. x the most ...

Pick Me Up magazine, under the unlikely heading of “Real spooky”, have offered their top three tips on how to avoid purchasing a haunted house. They should be, of course: Grow up and have some fucking sense Grow up and have some fucking sense Grow up and have some fucking sense But no, they genuinely paid someone to sit down and offer hints. Somewhere out there, a middle aged lollipop lady is flicking over them, scanning through and thinking, “ooh, that’s interesting”. It’s not interesting, Doris, you mad old bitch, it’s fucking made up, fictional and has no basis in the real world. I hate you, and I hope your husband is cheating on you. With someone who doesn’t believe in sodding ghosts. 1. First, ...

It’s 4.30am. I’m writing this because last night, I got bollocked for being tired early and wanting to go to bed, and not stay up all night watching Paris Hilton movies on DVD. This evening, I drank Coke. Lots of Coke. At least three litres of Cherry sodding Coke. And now I’m awake. Guess where my other half is? Asleep, that’s right. Where she’s been for hours. As I’ve gained a few extra hours of unexpected life, I’d normally be sure to use them to their fullest. Finally getting round to finishing Great Expectations; replacing the lightbulbs in the kitchen that have been sat around blown for weeks; Bothering to watch The Wire. Instead, like everyone else who has any free ...