OMG! Made In Chelsea is TOTES back, yah! Previously there was hair and douchery and bitchface and stirring and fluffed lines and failed sporting endeavours. I’m expecting more of the same. Spencer’s got himself a new haircut. It is still as douchelordy as his previous one, if not more so. Especially as he seems to be making East London hipster douches his new inspiration. He’s at the airport. Is he meeting Caggie? Is he?! No. She’s still “in New York”. He’s there to meet a new character, sorry REAL LIFE FRIEND, Jamie. Jamie is horrified that he had to fly on a budget airline and sit next to a fat girl. He’s going to be a TREAT. Ollie is hanging out with ...

DARLINGS! We’ve got two weeks to catch up on seeing as I jetted off to Cannes last week. Ok, ok, got the slow coach to Grimsby but y’know, same difference. RIGHT? So, to last week and Binky Cheshka and Ollie are excited about a masquerade ball and being able to find well fit dudes. Except as Ollie points out they’ll be wearing masks so you won’t be able to see if they are gorgeous. Cheshka is only interested in height as an indicator. And Ollie invites Needy Gabriella along which Binky and Cheshka totes think is a good plan yah. Meanwhile Douchelord Spencer seems to think the best way to win Caggie’s affection now is to be aloof and ignore her. Hugo ...

Last week saw break ups, bounders coming a cropper and holiday plans being hatched. We haven’t seen Bitchface Amber for a while. Her shiny moon face is bitchfacing with Stirrer Rosie. Of course Caggie and Millie happen to be in the same shop and they of course have to reveal that they’re prancing off somewhere with Douchelord Spencer and Bounder Hugo. Totes awkward, yah? Rosie’s totes fine with it apparently though her Wide Eyes Of Doom say otherwise. Francis Boulle CEO is still trying to make this sporting thing happen and is fencing with “Model” Fredrik. Fredrik manages to stab Francis and cause bleeding. No one gets cut in fencing, seriously Francis, give it up. Fredrik thinks Francis is jealous of him ...

Last week saw totes expected revelations and the most inappropriate uses of an intern since Clinton was introduced to Lewinsky. This week Francis Boulle CEO, Douchelord Spencer and, er, Hugo pretended to be men of the people and play pool. Francis is shit at pool too. He should just give up any sporting endeavours now. He does however seem to think he is a ladies’ man and proffers advice on the power of suggestion to Spencer and Hugo. It’s as awkward as you’d expect. Especially when he claims to have “been there” with both Millie and Rosie. We don’t know what “been there” is. Maybe it means “in the same room”. Stirrer Rosie totes didn’t know that Hugo and Millie had some ...

So last week we had public break ups, shooting and more awkwardness than an ill-judged joke about the bride in a best man’s speech. The aftermath of Millie getting drunk and buying Hugo from under Bitchface Stirrer Rosie’s nose meant continued awkwardness between them over drinks. That would be to ignore the main story of Caggie fighting with douchelord Spencer. Oh but what’s this? Funda? Invited to drinks with them. Oh well contrived, producers. Well contrived. Awkwardness abounds as she prattles on about being a man and dressing up as Wonder Woman. Of course. In another attempt to prove how posh he is, Francis is playing polo with “model” Fredrik. He hasn’t fallen off the horse so this may mean he might ...

Previously there was skiing, shrieking, douchelords and more yahs than you can shake a Mulberry Alexa at. We get another excellent business lesson from Francis Boulle CEO who teaches us that it is totes appropriate to be getting a massage in the office while your hot blonde intern reads out your diary for the week. He then demands that she finds him a pet penguin. And some kippers. It sounds like the kind of demented shopping list LordSurAlan dishes out so maybe that’s exactly how you do business. Someone called CJ whom we may or may not have met already (seriously, if you think the girls are indistinguishable, the boys are a shower of chinless wonders) has organised a shooting party. Pew! ...

So last week we met lots of posh people with horse mane hair and ridiculous names. Thankfully for us they’re still being posh and ridiculous. LOVE. Anyway, remember Bitchface Amber and her friend, slightly ugly stirrer Bitchface Rosie? Well, they’re out and about in Notting Hill, natch, shopping for outfits for Rosie’s dinner party. Well, a party that Rosie is hosting where a team of minions will provide the actual dinner. Hugo, Millie and Caggie are handily hanging out at Hugo’s “office” to confirm their attendance, along with douchelord Spencer and his girlfriend, Funda. Millie Googles Funda to find out what she looks like. The verdict is cleavage-y, which is Posh for skanky ho. At the party, Hugo is busy stalking Amber ...

Do you know what there’s not enough of on TV at the moment? Fabricated reality shows. I can hear you screeching about The Only Way Is Essex and Jersey Shore but please, we all know that the undisputed leader of this genre we never knew we wanted is The Hills – pretty, rich people larking about in pretty, rich locations. You don’t get that in Essex or New Jersey. You do get it in Chelsea, though, which is handy as E4 decided that’s where they’d base their foray into this maelstrom of mediocrity. Apparently we may have heard of Chelsea as being full of royals and playboys and being an exclusive world. Errr.... it’s not that exclusive, I’ve been there. Anyway, ...