How desperate would you have to be to use Jeremy Kyle as your "Phone a Friend"? Unless the question was "Who is my real dad?" or What are you looking at?" we imagine that he'd be as useful as a thing in a situation where it would be useless. Kyle's inherent dislikeability hasn't deterred ITV1, who have popped out the unexpectedly complicated High Stakes, a prime-time Jeremy Kyle quiz vehicle that is orders of magnitude more complicated than the dismal Red or Black. A contestant is given a row of eight consecutive numbers, and must avoid the arbitrarily selected WRONG NUMBER, which Jeremy refers to as a "trap", like he's trying to pick out the right Thai prostitute. Johnny Punter must pick ...

Tim Ward is off sick, so we punished him with Jeremy Kyle. Jeremy 'Jezza' Kyle has fronted his show since it was forged from the tormented souls of the dead a millennium ago to rival the much better Jerry Springer Show.  As you know, toothless simpletons bicker over which poor sod was foolish enough to orgasm within a terrible globe of a woman is a staple for the show. This particular episode is titled YOU DISOWNED OUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE WASN'T THE SON YOU WANTED! so I awaiting Henry VIII with bated breath. Sadly, it seems our former King is not going to be featured this morning. Kyle sneers a welcome to Nadine who has a 22 month daughter, but Ste, the father, denies he's ...