Disclaimer: what the hell are we going to do when this series has finished? Episode 19/Day 21 Here are today’s headlines: The end is in sight! I get sick of mountages montages The TV producers are really, really really shit The show begins – IT FUCKING BEGINS – with a fucking bastard montage. ITV set the standard for televisual excellence, for this show, firmly in the dunny. I’m already looking forward to the first use of the word ‘journey’. I reckon Ant will be the first person to use it. I’m also betting it’ll be used four times. Meanwhile, down in the jungle, it is still raining. Ant or Dec introduce the show, most of the rejected slebs sit on benches behind them. ...

Disclaimer: absolutely no shit was hurt during the watching of this show Episode 18/Day 20 Here are today’s headlines: We’re nearly out of the jungle too! Jenny is an ex-junglist The TV producers are really, really shit It’s the penultimate show of 2010. Penfuckingultimate! Not even the last but one. That was a joke, obv. We start with a recap of yesterday’s evictions. This is because the producers think have lost all ability to think for ourselves and that we have the attention span of a dim-witted, partially senile, partially-chewed, half-Moroccan, half-Abyssinian maggot. Get used to it kids, from the contents of tonight’s show, I think we past the high point of directorial and editorial values earlier this week. We are treated to many a ...

Disclaimer: it continues to rain in the jungle, webbed feet, fungus and Ant or Dec... it’s not pretty Episode 17/Day 19 Here are today’s headlines: Double eviction Team challenge (everyone gets moist) Kidding leads to subterfuge As we begin the final sprint for the finish line, the producer realises he needs to be out of the jungle in time for the second Ashes test, so we get a double eviction night. Yay! Or maybe boo! I’m going to miss our gang. Shaun’s taciturn facade (yes, facade, because we all know that underneath his Mancterior he’s a warm and fluffy guy); Dom’s lightening wit; Stacey’s personality and figure; Kayla’s erm; Jenny’s weird combination of honest affability. Yep, I’m going to miss them all. Except Aggro, obv. The first ...

Disclaimer: When I was thinking I'd like to see Stacey wet, I didn't have rain in mind... Episode 16/Day 18 Here are today’s headlines: There’s a tea-leaf in the camp Shaun’s moobs are enormous It’s still raining in Oz Merde, il pleut. Dom shouts at the rain in a hitherto untested attempt to get the stuff to stop falling down. If you get just a frisson of enjoyment from the discomfort of others, this is hilarious. The weariness in Dom's voice makes it even funnier. After a night of full-on pleuting, the outback inhabitants look wonderfully pissed off. If you ever need something to pick you up after a shit day at work, this is it. If you have recorded the first 15 minutes, do not delete it. Ever. From a non-meteorological point of view, ...

Disclaimer: Dear Mr Bin Laden. Thank you for your email. We would like to apologise that we reminded you that Dom went to the same school. Please can you take that gun away now? Episode 15/Day 17 Here are today’s headlines: Shaun was a naughty boy at school Kayla looks fantastic in her swimming costume But she needs to have something in her mouth, because her voice is starting to grate It’s the aftermath of Gillian’s eviction (which Shaun celebrated by shouting ‘Good choice, public!’). As her camp colleagues (that still looks wrong) followed Gillian down to the bridge - to make sure she really did leave, obv - the slebs were already discussing how their lives would improve in her absence. That's just cruel. Later, over ...

Disclaimer: it wasn't me that did the poo, just sayin'. Episode 14/Day 16 Here are today’s headlines: The digger returns (digger, geddit? It’s an Australian refer… oh, forget it) We see Stacey’s underwear Stacey and Jenny go to bed together. Yowsa! The show starts with Ant or Dec making me laugh. Dom doesn’t, but we’re only 8 minutes in and I have high hopes of Dominic John Romulus Joly, as his mum named him. What a bitch she must have been. Today sees the return of the Digger Challenge (still nothing to do with Cockney rhyming slang). Jenny nominates herself because she thinks it’s going to be like Bob the Builder. Dom says that Jenny will do better with the digger than Gillian, just by stepping in to ...

Disclaimer: when Kayla said she was ‘gonna give it my all’, she didn’t mean what you think she meant. Episode 13/Day 15 Here are today’s headlines: Argos does something that approximates to a rap. If you've never heard rap before Gillian shows her human side In an usual show, Ant or Dec almost have the best of the laughs. If it wasn’t for the Secret Squirrel Club, with Dom acting as a capable ring-leader, none of the chuckles would have been from the campfire area. Gillian makes a stoic but transparent attempt to befriend Shaun. She tells us that she was grumpy yesterday because she’s on the blob. This is a bit peculiar because two days ago she was telling her comrades she was pregnant. I ...

Disclaimer: The slebs don’t know how lucky they are: no x-factor! Episode 12/Day 14 We’re back in the jungle with the creepies, crawlies, reptiles and Gillian McKeith. Woohoo! For some reason my head is full of The Smiths titles. I really don’t know why and hope it won’t influence this recap. The bottom two in tonight’s vote will go forward to a head-to-head. The loser will get chucked out on their arse. But who will it be? Heaven Knows. Today’s individual Bushtucker Trial is called ‘Creepy Crawlie’. There’s a bit of an inquest around the campfire about who should do it. Dom gets stuck in by asking who hasn’t actually done a trial yet. Bigmouth Strikes Again. The answer is Britt and ...

Disclaimer: no Goodies were hurt during the watching of this show Episode 11/Day 13 It’s eviction night. Again. It’s raining in the outback. Again. And it’s Bushtucker Challenge time. Again. Britt is excluded from the challenge on the grounds of being Swedish. With a minimum of pushing from Dom, Allison and Jenny go forwards to Starbucks Starbugs. The challenge is to drink a variety of smoothied Australian wildlife. The girls from Bridge Street, Sydney will be v.nervous! The goodies that were on offer included: turkey innards and water maggots mealworm and water vomit fruit and water (‘I’ve had worse,’ said Jenny, which was exactly what Shaun said when he had to eat vomit fruit a week ago) blended pig and fish eyes raw ostrich ...

Disclaimer: Gillian's underwear must be kept on a lead at all times Episode 10/Day 12 As if an enforced night away from this show hasn't been bad enough, we’re welcomed to the first eviction of the series by one of the worst fashion faux pas of the century. Ant or Dec in double denim. Jesus, it’s horrible. Down in the camp, Gillian says she’s gutted she’s not facing a trial today. And she’s smiling. And being happy. Is she sucking up to the voters or just trying to piss them off? Dom eases a couple of the prison bars apart and Gillian legs it. She wanders around the camp, then nips off in to the outback for a walkabout. See what I did ...

Disclaimer: My brain died. Episode 9b/Day 11 (audio cue: funeral music) Sadly there’s no Ant or Dec show today because of a previously unseen rounders game on ITV1 or The Apprentice on BBC2 or something. So I had a quick dip in to ITV2’s offering ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. NOW!’. Our host – Caroline Something – is wearing another ridiculous outfit. Perhaps that’s all the budget of this show extends to? There’s a panel. Woo! On the panel is: Max (who?) from 1Extra (what?) Someone McLaine (Caroline Something gabbled her name quicker than the human brain could recognise and also didn’t tell us what she does. I only hope she isn’t Holly, wife of John, because if she is I might get ...

Disclaimer: We don't need disclaimers where we're going! Episode 9/Day 10 We’re welcomed to the Aussie outback by a smirking Ant or Dec. Smirking’s been done boys, it’s so yesterday. After a very brief introduction we are gleefully zoomed back to last night in the prison where, with the predictability of the discovery of her first grey pubic hair, something is annoying the hell out of Gillian. Shaun snorez. She is unable to sleep. So she wakes him up to complain about the noise. And then she has a go at him. Gillian’s selfishness sets the tone for much of today’s show. The producer is in danger of making IACGMOOH all about Gillian McKeith, which is pretty much what my Twitter stream is ...

Disclaimer: Sorry love, the disclaimers are off. Episode 8/Day 9 Concentrating on the glossy titles at the start of the show, I notice that Gillian McKeith scrubs up well. I feel dirty for the rest of the programme. Here are the headlines: Linford relives his superstar success at retrieving, erm, superstars Nigel has walked, and there’s a chance the next will be a double eviction. I get as excited as my cousin Cletus. Gillian’s *cough* fainting fit of yesterday is put under the microscope. Although we are left to our own decision as to what really occurred, up close and in HD-land, it's impossible not to notice that Gillian displays a highly unusual amount of colour for a person who is supposed to have fainted. Her Austenesque ‘fall’ ...

Disclaimer: Despite agreeing with my mother-in-law on everything that’s happened this week, these remain my own opinions. Episode 7/Day 8 Nigel’s in a grumpy mood. He's so grumpy that Dom describes it as ‘existential despair’. I’m not sure it’s that serious, but the brief glimpses the producer allows us to have of Nigel not participating in the social activities do indicate he’s near the end of his road. Discussions of his forthcoming doing panto in Birmingham may be taken as either a threat or a promise. Stacey’s innocent conversation about how much she loves riding a bike visibly contributes to Nigel’s thickening mood, quicker than congealing gravy on a plate of roast beef. Can the person who bet me £20 that I couldn’t get ...

Disclaimer: any feelings of fondness towards gillian mckeith displayed yesterday were a temporary glitch. normal service has been resumed Episode 6/Day 7 The weekend has arrived in the Aussie Outback, and to celebrate... it rains. Because we're all imbeciles, the producers want us to remember Shaun’s dip, which occurred when Allison entered the camp yesterday. When I say entered the camp I don’t mean in a ‘partially-sharpened stick up the anus’ kind of way. To drag our five-seconds of attention-span brains to the correct place, we’re shown a montage of Shaun saying there were too many people in the jungle, as he stalked around the camp with a face darker than Linford’s bumcrack on a wintry December evening. But that was yesterday. After a ...

Disclaimer: the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain and the australian jungle Episode 5/Day 6 You know those days when you feel just a little off-balance? Something is not quite right, and the whole day is a bit peculiar? That’s how it is in the jungle today. I think the producers are trying to run too quickly by messing with the contestants. You’ll see what I mean. It is raining in the Australian outback. Shitting it down, as they say in parts of the UK. The sound of the heavily-downpouring, rainforesty rain is almost drowned out by a deeply rhythmical, rumbling, animalish outbacky noise. Shaun is snoring for Australia. This is probably the most rest Shaun’s had for months. The rain floods ...

Disclaimer: absolutely no disclaimers were harmed during the watching of this show Episode 4/Day 5 We join the boys as they wait for the girls to arrive. Christ, this sounds like a Famous Five party. I wonder if Timmy will be there? That’s a Famous Five reference. Oh do keep up. Anyway, the boys are brushing their teeth and sprucing up the camp. Except for Shaun, who sits on a log in front of the fire, smoking fags. Speaking of logs, I have a question. Who is the Keeper of the Toilet Paper? I can’t recall any toilet paper action in this series. Are they just not dumping, or is this more heavily edited than previous series? Anyway. The girls arrive to hugs. Gillian starts whining ...

Disclaimer: Argh!!! Episode 3b/Day 4 Because the ITV programme schedulers failed to understand that ITV would *want* to show the third play-off of the Lithuanian second-division women’s netball semi-final (southern region) on ITV1, I was forced to endure the pain of watching ITV2s IACGMOOH offering (called ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! NOW!’) for you. And you owe me for this. You owe me big time. The lead presenter is Caroline Flack. She was wearing... Well, frankly, I don't know what she was wearing. It was the most bizarre outfit ever; a purpley/pinkly one-piece shorts/short-sleeved top that might have come from… Ah fuckit, I haven’t the faintest idea where that outfit came from, except ‘out of a tortured mind’, that’s a ...

Absolutely no onions were harmed during the watching of this show. Episode 3/Day 3 The show begins with the news that Camp Sheila is to be decommissioned and the prisoners occupants are to make the long journey to Camp Bruce. Ant or Dec reinforce their continued gender stereotyping by taking the piss out of the girls only having half an hour to pack. Later they take the piss out of the girls by doing the ‘farting and snoring’ gag. Ah, predictability, thy name is Geordie Shor-tasses. Meanwhile in Camp Bruce, Lembit is using the camp's only knife to sharpen a stick. This is a great strategy, instead of having one really sharp thing and one really blunt thing, the camp will now have two ...