WHEN tragic turps-nudger Steve Bass was told he could visit the family home for the first time in 10 years - for Father's Day — the first thing he needed was a good wash. Alas, in his booze-soaked befuddlement, the 52-year-old clambered. naked into an industrial CARWASH and was horrifically mangled in its high-powered machinery. And on Friday, poor Steve succumbed to his ghastly injuries. Last night, estranged wife Valerie said: "It was his last chance. He'd not been seen shouting at Blackpool Tower for weeks and so I thought he could come in the house for the day. "With the Father's Day coming, I says to him when sees him at the social, 'come for your tea on Father's Day'. "His wee eyes welled ...

POLICE are hunting a pervert thought to be responsible for DOZENS of sex attacks on BUS SHELTERS! The drooling fiend has been spotted having what is described by Wítnesses as "energetic sex" with shelters on routes heading towards Islington, north London. Shoppers, commuters and even THE BLIND have reported coming into contact with the "intimate mess" left behind by the warped maniac. Police are reluctant to cause panic on the busy public transport routes by sounding a full-scale alert, but are keen to nab the man dubbed the "Shelter Shagger" before the summer holidays. A source at the Met said: "London's tourist trade is still very shaky and the last thing we want is visitors worried they may sit in the residue of someone ...

GERI CHEEKY! ARSE lovers were ready to high­five God last week after His freak gust of wind resulted in this glorious snap of Geri Halliwell's pert bottom. The man upstairs was clearly in a fun-loving mood sending this cheeky bit of weather to lift up the Spice Girl's skirt. And it gave onlookers a tantalising glimpse of Geri's firm buttocks as she took her dog for a walk in London. A source close to the singer, 38, said: "Geri was just talking to pals when the next thing she knew her, frock was up around her waist. "Even other pet pooch looked a bit stunned." Geri recently admitted that she'd taken to wearing Bridget Jones-style pants to keep her tummy tucked in. ...

Golfer teed off after fox clubbing A CRUEL golfer has been fined £750 and banned from his local club after battering a fox with his driving iron - because it was trying to steal his chocolate biscuit. Donald Forbes became enraged when he caught the animal trying to snatch the Tunnocks Wafer from his golf bag. The 55-year-old ran at the fox screaming and struck it on the head with his club. Forbes, a self-employed contract consultant in the oil industry, lives close to the plush Peterculter Golf Club, in Aberdeen, where he's been a member for 12 years. On September 10 last year he was playing with friend Graham Duthie, also 55, when they saw the fox. Forbes, told the city's ...

Dog bonks drunk man in street HERE'S why it's a bad idea to get falling down drunk - you could get BUMMED by a dog. Patrick Flanagan, 32, took a tumble while walking home with pals after a lunchtime session in Ely, Cambs. Within seconds, the freelance garden power tool relocation operative found himself the object of hot pooch lust. And rather than rushing to their stricken pal's assistance, his companions filmed the scene and posted it on the internet. Red­faced Patrick said last night: 'I've been scandalised, so I have. The womenfolk won't look at me, so they won't. Not even my sister."

A FUMING bride DECKED her kilt-wearing hubby when he sat on her knee at the reception and left a SKIDMARK on her wedding dress! Like all true Scotsmen, Angus McClure, 26, didn't wear pants under his kilt when he married sweetheart Sarah Grant in Greenock, Renfrewshire. But his traditionalism led to uproar when he perched his poorly-wiped backside on 24-year-old Sarah's pristine frock, leaving an unsightly smear. After Sarah swiped at Angus, the well-refreshed McClure and Grant clans led the reception into bloody mayhem. A police source said: "I've been a police officer in Greenock for nearly 20 years and so I've seen a lot of wedding parties turn nasty but this was something else." In total, seven people were arrested ...

Corrie's Mad Mary is top TILF CORONATION Street psycho Mad Mary Taylor has topped a poll of tubby soap babes Brit men secretly want to bonk, The nutter (above), played by Patti Clarke, shot to fame as the serial stalker who lusts after Weatherfield's Norris Cole, played by actor Malcolm Hebden. And despite her reputation as a fruitcake Mad Mary has been named the No. 1 "Soap TILF" - or "Tubster I'd Like to F***" A spokesman for BritishTotty.com, who carried out the poll of viewers, said: "She might be a bit mental, but a lot of male viewers still thought she was fit. "It just goes to show that blokes like women who have a bit of an edge." Second in the list was Emmerdale's ...

Gypsy killed by lucky heather GATHERING heather was UNLUCKY for gypsy Assumpta Delaney ... the popular moorland plant KILLED her! Assumpta, 63, was plucking heather near Glossop, Derbyshire, when she pricked her finger on the spiny plant. Her middle finger swelled up like a pumpkin but she refused to go to a doctor and died on Thursday of septicaemia. Son Declan, 49, said: "She put a rabbit's arse poultice on her finger like her mammy had done for the heather bites. "But it was obviously her time to be taken."

Matthews in scrap over farting game KAREN Matthews ended up in a prison cat fight after she was accused of CHEATING in armpit-farting competition. The redhead, 35, traded blows with a fellow lag following a contest Where both jailbirds had to recreate a popular TV theme-tune. Matthews, who is currently serving eight years in Peterborough jail for the kidnap of her own daughter Shannon, "nailed" the music of BBC comedy Dad's Army. An unnamed female lag then daringly attempted the tune of hospital drama Casualty but failed after hitting a few bum notes. A Sunday Sport mole said: "Karen was the clear winner but her opponent was a sore loser and accused her of cheating by using a whoopee cushion. "A huge fight ensued but, ...

Egg white is racist! KITCHEN staff at a local council are fuming after being told they must not refer to egg white - as it is RACIST! Dinner ladies and canteen workers at Postle and Wold Council in South Yorks have been ordered to use the expression "egg albumen". Union convenor Frank Sythe said: "Ae a union obviously against all forms of racism but this is just sheer stupidity." In 2002 the council caused a storm when it renamed the 14th century road Darkee Street "Nelson Mandela Way".

SHOCKED medics watched a crying man limp into A&E with his testicles trapped inside a Mrs Potato Head. The weirdo, said to be in his had filled the kids' toy with with jelly and had been using it to pleasure himself when his bollocks jammed in the hatch at the back. Mrs Potato Head, the female companion of popular 195Os chlldren's toy Mr Potato Head which featured in the hit Toy Story movies, has an opening back for the attachable pieces to be kept. The toy fetishist was in agony when he entered Darlington Memorial Hospital, where it took staff minutes to release his gonads using medical lubricant. Sunday Sport's hospital mole said: "We see this kind of thing all the time. ...

A DISTRAUGHT wife outed her husband on Facebook after his phone’s predictive text mistook “sudoku” for “sodomy”. Hapless Eric Ferguson was supposed to send a message to his missus Olivia saying: “Loving a bit of sudoku with Big Mark from work. He’s shown me how to do it and I am ashamed to admit that I really enjoy it.” But the factory manager's iPhone inserted the word “sodomy” instead, prompting heartbroken 34-year-old Olivia to attack him on the Internet social networking website, branding him a closet homosexual. Speaking now that the mistake has been corrected, relieved Eric, from Bridlington, North Yorks, said: “I had some explaining to do when I got home. l like newspaper puzzles, not other men's bumholes” ...

A MISSING kitten was killed after vandals doctored posters to read “Wanted: Dead or Alive”. Tragic Mr Tickles (above) was gunned down with an air rifle by a concerned resident who feared the moggy posed a threat to the local community. The six-month-old pet’s bloodied corpse was left on distraught owner Chris Beard's step after the tragic misunderstanding. IT worker Chris, 35, of Stockport, Cheshire, said: “Mr Tickles had the sweetest nature and wouldn't have hurt, a fly “I put up several posters saying ‘Wanted’ but not offering a reward and some callous bastard doctored them, bringing about Mr Tickles’ untimely death.” Sobbing Chris added: “I’ll never be able to replace my beloved kitten but, hopefully, other people with missing ...

MUTANT superchickens first bred on the orders of Hitler are behind the German poison egg scare that has seen Products swept from UK supermarkets, it was claimed last night. The contamination had been blamed on a mix up which saw dioxin-laden oil destined for fuel being used in poultry feeds. But a leading scientist says *that the cancer-causing eggs probably from genetically-modified superhens - called uberhuhn - bred by the SS during the War. Professor Clifton Byrne shuddered: “Hitler dreamed of pure chickens that could lay monstrous eggs. “However the chickens were genetically unstable and literally shat out toxic eggs. Towards the end of the war, the programme was being wound down. “But Germany was starving in 1945 and some people stole some of the condemned superchickens ...

MEDDLING EU bureaucrats want to ban snowball fights in yet another example of the killjoy continental obsession with health and safety. Last year across Europe, 12 people were left deaf in one ear after being hit by snowballs - but everyone in Britain was fine. Now namby-pamby foreigners are using that statistic to push through a barmy new law which will stop us enjoying one of the highlights of winter. Anti-EU campaigner Brian Lionheart said: “It’s no wonder this country’s going to Hell in a handcart when we’re being dictated to by Brussels.”

POLICE were called to a department store in Chicago, USA, when a monkey dressed as an elf outside Santa’s grotto shat into its hand and threw the mess at a customer!

A MOTHER has blasted producers of The X Factor after last Weekend's raunchy routines drove her son to have SEX with the family DOG! More than 3,000 people complained to ITV and OFCOM after singers Rihanna and Christina Aguilera cavorted in X-rated in routines during the teatime final. But they got off lightly compared to Doreen Brockett, who caught 17-year-old son Darren nuts deep in the the famìly’s four- year-old Pekingese. Divorced legal secretary Doreen (above with son) of Crewe, Cheshire said “No parent should have to catch their son f***ing a dog. X Factor drove him to it.” An ITV spokesperson said: “We’re confident the performances given by our guest artistes were appropriate for the show.”

‘Miniature reindeer’ were small dogs TRADING standards officers have warned Christmas shoppers to beware of hawkers selling “miniature reindeer” - which are actually DOGS! Four disgruntled punters in Wiltshire have reported buying the festive beasts, only to find that they are dogs with plastic antlers glued on. Piers Vascome-Bright of the Swindon-based Association of Trades Standards said: “This makes a mockery of the whole spirit of Xmas. “These miniature reindeer were bought in pubs by people the worse for drink. You should never buy anything from ‘a bloke in a pub’. “The tap room hawker or pedlar seldom adheres to consumer legislation. Miniature reindeer indeed!”

    All of these were taken from Sunday's Sunday Sport. We're sure you're as outraged as we are.