This is a guest post from the brilliantly named @dailyexpresslol The Daily Express prides itself on being the self proclaimed "World's Greatest Newspaper", with its motto clearly a self-parody. Its front pages sound like a stereotypical old people's home daily conversation, focussing on just eight themes: The EU (42 times this year as a headline) Holidays (12 times) Health (52! times this year) Royalty (22 times) Death (36 times - 8 just on Maddie) Weather (21 times) ‘Scroungers’ (25 times) Money (85 times, with 33 being just on pensions) These eight topics represent 95% of the total front pages this year! The formulaic approach to these headlines is similar in language and style as well as the content. What they have in common though is that they prey on people's insecurities, right ...

Drawing a picture is literally impossible, and anyone who can do it is some kind of magician.  Making pencil marks look like a real thing is a skill so far beyond me that I accompany any scribbles with an explanation that it was actually drawn by a 7 year old.  It's plausible, at least. However, not being able to draw isn't a problem if you have any of the approximately 7,000 careers that don't require you to pick up a crayon.  For example, a fireman or presenter of Eggheads.  We've found one job that requires the ability to draw, and no other discernible skill whatsoever:  Resident cartoonist at the Daily Express. Their current cartoonist, Paul Thomas, is proclaimed proudly as "The Political ...

Big Brother feels like it could have been back for days, weeks or even a month now. In fact, it could even have finished weeks ago, quietly put out of its misery while nobody was looking. With Richard Desmond having no problems with showing off his ownership of both Channel 5 and The Express & Star newspapers, he has given himself a distinct media advantage – both papers will report on anything Big Brother related as though it were a meeting of the fucking UN.  But what effect does this have on the other media - will they report on the show or ignore it, as though it had never been resurrected? The Daily Star in particular can’t help but run article ...

The Daily Express isn’t known for its insightful news reporting. At the time of writing, their website has front page stories concerning Penelope Cruz’s dress, graffiti about Pippa Middleton’s arse and the breaking story that ITV’s Taggart has been cancelled (I’ve still got the VHS box sets. They can’t take that away from me). The obsession with celebrity culture permeates every section of the newspaper. If a story isn’t involving someone half-famous, it isn’t news. So to take this to the next level, rather than employ journalists to report the news, they employ middle-England appeasing celebs to pontificate to its dullard readership. Meaning that whatever happens, it’s in a tedious way linked to a sycophantic public figure! Hooray! The associated writers ...

The Daily Express have a somewhat deserved reputation for taking the piss with their front covers: From a conspiracy theory about Princess Diana every Monday and printing any titbit about Missing Maddie every day for six months, through to their ongoing "us vs. them" screeching at the EU, Muslims and the world at large, there's not a great deal of respect for the paper at Cows Towers. So today's front page is a little bit surprising, and then deeply saddening. It says this: SALT BANNED IN CHIP SHOPS There's no fucking about there. Salt. Banned. In chip shops. Not many ways to read that, other than to assume that salt has indeed been banned in chip shops. Spoiler ...

The Daily Express cares about YOUR rights. And by YOUR, I mean; Middle-Englanders who’s rights aren’t remotely compromised. As Britons we love to moan, but the problem is, we don’t really have anything to moan about. In general, we get it pretty good in Ing-ger-land. Even with planned state-sector cuts, rising student fees, rising unemployment; in the grand scheme of things globally, we’re the lucky ones. This however isn’t enough to perturb the Daily Express. They want to make it quite clear that YOU Britons are the real heroes. And by YOU, I mean average folk who have led rather uneventful lives, and done nothing heroic. They love Britons so much that they’ve dedicated a whole section to the ongoing ...