This is a guest post by Patrick, who usually dumps his words here Let us sit back and enjoy the event which will conclusively prove that Britain doesn't have any talent whatsoever... We start off with Ant and Dec being introduced to the CRAZY crowd by professional voiceover man and dickwad Peter Dickson. Surprisingly, Amanda Holden looks nice, but unsurprisingly she's seemingly incapable of conveying any emotion in her rigid face whatsoever. The judges are seated – there's a bit of oi oi banta to fill the time, and now we get to it. Act #1... STEVEN HALL – I mean....I'm sorry. What? WHAT is this?! Is this it? The sum total of this nations talent? And there was me thinking that the ...

Because I'm such a ruddy nice guy, I’m watching Britain’s Got Talent tonight for you lovely readers of the greatest website on the planet. This is the first time I’ve ever seen it, so have stocked up on a healthy supply of wine, morphine and a strong and secure noose. Just in case it's as bad as everyone makes out… Tonight is the last of the auditions, and we all hope that they’ve saved the biggest nutters ’til last. The appeal of this programme is nothing more than of a modern day Victorian freak show, and the bigwigs at ITV know that borderline psychopaths playing Mister Mister covers on a French horn is what’s going to pull the viewers in. After tonight only forty acts will remain, ...

So, episode six of Britain Must Be Stopped. Let’s sit back and relax, razor blades in hand, and pray that the rapture turns out to be true. If the previous weeks are anything to go by, we’ll be treated to an hour of deluded, mentally unstable individuals with zero talent... and some contestants. Let’s get to it. Up first: Magicians! And without Simon “I FEAR MAGIC” Cowell – are they in with a chance? Some twats in top hats fail to impress, so it’s up to David and Karen, whose act is called, er, "David and Karen", to save the Magic Circle. They promise something new and exciting. They dance around a bit, and Dave gets in a box with his hand sticking ...

It's Saturday night, it's 8pm, and I'm the only person in the country watching Britain’s Got Talent, the show abandoned by Simon Cowell as soon as he realised that children and dogs weren't going to make him any money. You know what else isn't going to make anyone any money? A man who can fit 20 bricks in a hod. Nobody else in the world can do what John does. He is diabetic and only has one eye, he proudly tells Amanda while leering at her. The Hoff looks visibly excited, and then confused, as John proceeds to balance a pile of yellow buckets on his head, while beating on his stomach. There is no sign of any bricks. Unfortunately it's ...

This week's BGT opens with a terrifying troupe of dancers in leotards. Hasselhoff is inexplicably taken by them. They dance and mix in fire eating, cleavage, angle grinding, a snake and the splits. Macintyre gets all coy and calls them "naughty", but they make it through. The Queen will no doubt be impressed with their bums. Tonight's theme is Hasselhoff getting aroused, as a lady in a bra plays the violin, and a singer's mum gets a kiss, and an invite to his hotel room. Another bum performs acrobatics, and he's almost humping the desk in frustration. His sexual restraint is pushed to the limit as a dog on the brink of death attempts a cutesy dance. It's all very gentle, even ...

Week three, and as the BGT coaches take a trip past a series of predictable landmarks, we can vaguely safely guess that tonight, they're in London. Hasslehoff is having the week off to make a personal appearance at a provincial nightspot, so Louis Walsh (who was desperate and available at the last minute) shows up - giving the judging panel a real B Team feel. A seven year old girl, Olivia, is first on stage to meet the approval of strangers. Healthy stuff for any child. She recites a harrowing poem about man's destruction of animals, with a snake around her neck. Misery and sliminess: It's like Piers Morgan never left. It's that awful "awwww" factor that the ...

I must confess, I’ve never watched Britain’s Got Talent before for many, many reasons. For one, "variety acts" make me want to renounce my nationality and gouge my eyes out, and also because I could never take any show seriously that had Amanda Holden on as a judge of talent. Though I guess it takes talent to stay married to Les Dennis for more than a day. So, my introduction into the bawdy world of variety and "talent" is with a man who does one fingered push ups on a nail. Basically, his talent is being double jointed in one finger. It manages to make everyone look for the nearest sick bag. Don’t think The Queen would be any different. Then we ...

Watching the new judges - Michael McIntyre and student union favourite David Hasselhoff - posing alongside Amanda Holden in the obligatory arms-crossed-smoke-billowing pose at the start of Britain's Got Talent seems like a mad parody of the real thing (by which we mean Simon Cowell). The first auditionee is Mary, pictured reading a book on The Queen('s) Mother. She thinks Amanda Holden is Joanna Lumley, recognises Hasselhoff, and has no idea who McIntyre is. Oh good: a lunatic. Her act is tunelessly breathing into a mouthorgan while punching her own wellies. Hysterical stuff so far. A middle-aged cowboy camps about with a lasso. Mo Mowlam does some terrible observational humour, which gets buzzed off pretty quickly - ...