DISCLAIMER: I haven't actually watched any of this series so far. But then, who has? Anyway, I can't imagine it'll be too hard to grasp what's going on. Brian Dowling wanders into shot. Hasn't he done well for himself? He's no Davina though. Bobby, Darren, Lucien and Tara are up for eviction this week. I only know who one of those people is, which, when I think about it, is pretty impressive. I'm doing well. Now it's time for a recap. This week Jedward have been forced to dress as babies, and the house-mates have been subjected to a garlic eating challenge. Kerry and Lucien keep kissing, not put off by the garlic. SERIOUSLY though, who is Lucien?'You need to go and ...

Apparently it's the day of the second eviction, and after a blood-ritual, it falls on me to report it. Out comes Brian Dowling - physically, not, oh nevermind - talking like a gay robot who informs us that up for eviction is Pamela Bach-Dusseldorf or someone and Darryn Lyons. It's literally a "who's that?" of the world of celebrity. The tossers in audience boo both potential evictees for arbitrary reasons. They lived with no hot water and we see Jedward  filling a bath with kettles, Kerry and Paddy mumbling incoherent nonsense and HOLY SHIT TARA REID'S FACE. Sorry, that just shocked me. Can you remember American Pie? What has happened? Jesus? Wow. Amy Childs is talking to a Jedward about literally nothing. Nothing is happening. ...

Hi, it's Stuart here from the Movie Review section. I haven't watched Big Brother in about 7 years, including any of this season, but I thought - how difficult can it be? It's a handful of nobodies in a house - I'll pick this up in no time. The show begins with Brian Dowling telling us that the eviction is between 'Bad Boy' Bobby (one of the ones I don't recognise), Squeaky Clean Sally (Bercow) and Kerry Katona. I am saved from not knowing what's going on, when we are given a highlights reel of the week so far: The Week So Far Okay, so apparently at the beginning of the week, Mohammad Al-Fayed turned up, dressed as a Pharaoh for some reason. This isn't ...

Less than a year after Big Brother bit the dust – and less than six years after it stopped being relevant – Channel 5 have dipped into its grave, and pulled it, kicking and screaming, onto the Forgotten Channel. We’re live, we’re watching Channel 5 for the first time, and it’s Big Brother! We’re playing a fun game of spotting which bits of the show Channel 5 have bothered to pay the licensing costs for, and it’s actually quite impressive. The music remains, the Geordie voiceover chap remains, and Davina has thankfully moved on (“Davina McCall is a MILFO - Mum I'd Like To Fuck Off.” - @squidyuk) to be replaced with former winner Brian Dowling. Wikipedia at the ready, it’s time ...