Aaron Bell appeared on Deal or No Deal in 2006.  He walked away with £25,000 of the Banker's money. 80% of my reason for applying for Deal or No Deal was the money.  At the time my quiz show career had consisted mostly of near-misses and chokes (runners-up on University Challenge, losing my last life on 15-to-1 on the penultimate question of the 40) and a show with a guaranteed prize was appealing.  It was also a big hit in the trading room at Ladbrokes where I was working, for the obvious gambling-related reasons, so that was another part of it.  Once I got into the application process, the whole "adventure" element of going off for a couple of weeks had ...

I woke up with a strange feeling; not the unexpected-boner kind of strange feeling, which would indeed be strange as I don’t have a penis. No, I just knew that my morning was going to be odd. I started it by watching YouTube videos of hipsters attempting to sing, which got me fairly angry, but nothing on the usual 10am anger scale. I then happened to start watching people shit themselves in hot tubs, which actually improved my morning quite a bit. Then: women farting. ‘Sexy farting’. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on at this point and my happiness was suddenly shrouded with confusion. Now with a mix of anger, happiness and bewilderment festering in my broken body, I ...

It's back to gay-stereotype land (otherwise known as Spain) for another episode of awkwardness and completely absent sexual tension. That's right- it's Playing it Straight! Last week Cara sent Andrei home. This was unfortunate as he was straight, but also fortunate as he was creepy. This week's episode comes to us from 'the gayest beach in the world', according to Alan Carr (for budget reasons, this is also in Spain). The first challenge involves the boys standing on a podium as the locals inspect them and decide, entirely based on looks, whether they are gay or straight. This is of course very scientific. Everyone on the beach seems to enjoy it though, which is the main thing. 'I definitely think Sven is ...

Richard Madeley is one of those rare creatures - an almost likeable dickhead. Although the other members of the ever-expanding Shouting at Cows Dickhead List (buried in concrete beneath Cows towers) are proper dickheads, none of them have any appeal at all. No novelty quotes or hilarious hijinx - just straight up dickheadedness. Step forward, Richard Madeley, to plug the gap of "lovable dickhead". He is the closest thing we have to a real life Alan Partridge. Think about it, Partridge is an enormous dickhead - ignorant, rude, and arrogant - Madeley is all this and more, plus, he's actually real. Madeley is, of course, the cock-carrying member of the first couple of daytime TV, Richard and Judy. They rose to fame ...

Back in 2010, The Mail’s Funmaster-in-Chief, Christopher Tookey reviewed the film Kick Ass.  He gave it one star, summarised it as “evil”, and warned that it should “disturb us all”.  Particularly high on his laundry list of tedious grievances was the apparent sexualisation of eleven-year-old star Chloe Moretz. “It deliberately sells a perniciously sexualised view of children”, he trumpets.  “The movie's writers want us to see Hit-Girl not only as cool, but also sexy, like an even younger version of the baby- faced Oriental assassin in Tarantino's Kill Bill 1. Paedophiles are going to adore her.” Once he’s got it into his head that he wants to fuck Moretz, he can’t help but blame the film: “One of the film's creepiest ...

This film confuses me on so many levels.  Mostly, if this film takes place in the year 3000, then we shouldn't expect too much in the way of technological advancements over the next thousand years. I've had to consult the Wikipedia page to prepare myself for this review as I came away from the film baffled about what the fuck was going on. Thankfully the introductory paragraph has gone a long way to explaining a couple of my overarching befuddlements. I had thought that a sci-fi battle film, starring John Travolta and Forrest Whittaker would, at the very least, be a big-budget special effects monster like something Michael Bay puked up. You might understand why I raised an eyebrow when I saw that the ...

It's Saturday night, so once again we enter the dating coliseum: JLS blasts out as the endless stream of blurred-into-one girls shimmies down the stairs, Wonderbras and hair extensions flying. Gracie explains that she wants a man with flab to blow raspberries on. Jade’s never left her light on, because she wants a skinhead. Fingers crossed for a member of the BNP leaping out of the love lift, crying “no whitey, no likey”. Our first man picks a generic club banger as his entrance music, proving he has zero personality. Ah, Tony of Essex. With your designer stubble and tight white jeans, you’ve kept all thirty lights on. Jade, our skinhead fan, has left her light on, in the hope that she ...

Women Behind Bars opens with some men committing a diamond heist on a boat, but one of the heiststers screws the others over, killing them. Their death yells are everything you'd expect from extras in a low budget 1970s exploitation flick. When this double-crossing villain gets to his girlfriend's house, she kills him. In a flap, she phones the police to confess all, and ends up in prison. All this happens within the first five minutes, and the excitement completely outweighs that of the rest of the entire film. An insurance broker for the diamond company is convinced that Shirley, the girlfriend, stitched her boyfriend up and stole the jewels herself. He sets out to spy on her (in prison) and find ...

How old is Big Willie? How old was he during Fresh Prince? Fuck me, he’s been around for ages. Fresh Prince began airing in 1990. In 1990 I was 6 years old. Will was 22 years old. TWENTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD. WUT. HE OLD. That means he’s now 43 years old. I’m 27. Basically, what do you guys think? Am I too young for him? Would he be up for it? Mull it over, let me know. My favourite Will Smith is mid-90s. When he’s got the fancy buzz cut, snazzy suits and you’re-all-fucking-ridiculous attitude, so the three films I’ll be writing about will be from that fabulous time. Also, who’s seen I Am Legend? That scene when he’s working out, and ...

This is a guest post from the Internet's Katie Taylor.  She Twitters here, and blogs at The Secret Little Portobello Mushroom. "Do I look like I carry a pencil?" Jason Statham is a man of few characters. What he can do is jump, kick, hit things, mistime one-liners and occasionally wear a nice article of knitwear should the mood take him. In Blitz, all of these talents are taken into consideration and used to their fullest potential, in what I’d like to say is a fast-paced, gritty, urban British thriller, but what is, in fact, a great excuse to see Paddy Considine in a slim-fitting suit with some action sequences involving various household implements. What needs to be understood here is that Blitz ...

Hello I am Brig Bother (not my real name, obviously), and I write ‘will-this-do?’ game show gossip and opinion site Bother’s Bar and wrote loads of the encyclopaedic UKGameshow Page. I’ve been writing about the genre online for over fifteen years and, like most thirty-year-olds, don’t dare to re-read any of the stuff I came up with more than about three years ago. Shouting at Cows has asked if I would like to write a piece on “brilliantly terrible game show conceits”. At this juncture it may help to have a brief history of the genre. Basically, pre-1998, game shows were fun happy affairs where hosts always wore spangly jackets and the theme tunes were always created by Simon Etchell. The best person ...

Welcome, fellow reality TV voyeurs, to episode three of Playing it Straight. This week at the villa the boys will be tested on their straightness by their ability to unfasten a lady's bra. A test, perhaps, that would leave quite a few members of the male population fumbling all over the place. That's right! It's sex week! The boys have to de-bra four ladies in the quickest time while wearing goggles. 'I know about these bras,' shouts Andrei in one of the girl's faces as he claws at her back, 'they're stupid.' Luckily, unlike Sven, he doesn't punch one of the girls in the stomach. The winner of the contest is Dean, proving that he is possibly the most sexually experienced of the boys. ...

Antony Worrall Thompson.  His name alone is irritating. Worrall?  Is that a first name or a surname?  Worrall.  It sounds like Cilla Black being sick. AWT is best known as a celebrity chef, a tedious non-job that involves what, cooking sausages on the telly?  Well done, mate.  In fairness to him, he has opened a series of actual restaurants, where people pay over the odds in the hope that he, personally, has cooked their food.  His first restaurant was called "Ménage à Trois", and it's kind of upsetting that he even knows what one of them is.  Look at him, peering out at you like Gimli from Lord of the Rings, chuckling at his sexy little threesome joke. His Greyhound restaurant in Oxford received ...

Movie trailers are a curious thing - they need to show enough of the good bits of a film to entice the audience to watch, without giving away too many of the plot turns or twists. Hence, they are normally only a minute or two long. There is one movie trailer however that disagrees. The trailer for 1987 action film, Deadly Prey, is nearly seven minutes long and appears to be the drafts of three different trailers spliced together. We start with a limping and bleeding man running through the woods yelling "Son of a bitch! They're gonna kill me!" and sure enough, "they" do - shooting the poor sod. What a start - I'm hooked. “Dammit! We've got a bunch of damn ...

It was a week where I don't think there was any Take Me Out news in the tabloids, so we cracked straight on with Paddy McGuiness curiously starting the show with a vague football theme. I was half expecting the girls to all come out wearing football kits, which would be undeniably attractive, but they didn't. Paddy kicked off the show with Olly from Manchester who had arms like trees and justifiably retained all thirty lights. The girls were practically drooling over lucky Olly, before madcap Bainsey launched an astonishingly awkward chat up technique. "Olly, what time is it?" "Er, it's, er... " "It's time I got to know you better!" Good Lord, Bainsey, no wonder you're single. Olly's video package shows that he's a personal ...

As a first impression, a movie's title can be all-important.  When it comes to Zombie Flesh Eaters, director Lucio Fulci took no chances, calling it six different things: Zombie, Island of the Living Dead, Zombie Island, Zombie Flesh Eaters, Woodoo and Zombi 2.  Zombi 2 is our favourite, as the original, unrelated, Zombi is the Italian title for Dawn of the Dead. The opening is centred on a boat that mysteriously rolls into New York harbour.  The cops march on board, only to be attacked by an unconvincing zombie / guy in a fat-suit.  The boat's owner is missing, so his daughter Ann and a tenacious reporter (that's right - tenacious) discover that he's ill on a mysterious tropical island. Enlisting the ...

‘Oh Pea Bo, you can’t do a top 6 list! What’s wrong with you?! THAT’S MENTAL. STOP IT. NO. NOO! NOT THE CHILDREN. OH GOD NOT THE CHILDREN!’ – how people reacted to me hovering over a child with a list. They said I couldn’t do it, and look at me now. Doing it. Hard. So anyway, a TOP sex sexiest sex scenes in the sexy films I’ve seen so far that I can remember and are my favourite sexy moments because my sex memory is bad. (What are YOUR favourite sex scenes then? Stop judging me.)   6) The Specialist (1994) Dir. Luis Llosa Did you know what Sharon Stone isn’t just a massive vagina holding an ice pick? That’s right, she’s a ...

If you haven’t already picked up the first issue of Transmetropolitan and instantly fallen in love with every inch of every page then you are mentally unstable and should probably be put down via fist to face. Now who wants that? Who really wants to be known as a sexually infected whore who murders babies? Exactly. You should read it. All of it. Scrawled eloquently by Warren Ellis and with the colorful intricate art of Darick Robertson, Transmetropolitan is the union of these two and their twisted obscure imaginations. Each character is perfectly written, each moment is perfectly constructed, each new drug or technological advance is perfectly beautiful. I find it difficult to express how terrifying and stunning Ellis and Robertson’s vision ...

There are nine possigays left, and Cara faces another week of inane challenges and faux romance. True to form the group immediately head off to a sausage museum to celebrate 'Spanish Week.' 'I love sausage,' declares Cara with not a hint of irony, 'what's your favourite sausage?' Dean, to whom that latter remark was directed, tries to show as little enthusiasm for sausages as possible. Back at the villa the boys split into teams and battle to make their own gourmet sausage while Cara observes. Presumably the rationale behind this madness is to see who is the most adapt at sausage handling. 'You are very good at this,' Cara accuses Danny, 'have you done this before?' She then goes on to accuse others ...