Watching the Peep Show team attempt to make a fully-fledged movie is a lot like watching one of your best friends attempt to act in a play (someone my friends had to do for me, once). You really don't want them to be a letdown and be forever tainted with the stink of failure, like I did when I accidentally skipped four pages of the script up on the University of Reading stage, thus depriving the audience  of a scene where a dream woman saunters across the stage in negligee to seduce our protagonist. You think anyone has forgiven me for that, even now? You think I don't lie in bed every night shaking and weeping, wondering what life might have been like had ...

Ahhh, Paris. What a place it is, eh? Despite my hatred for the French, I’ll happily admit that there’s something mesmerising about good old “Gay Paree”. From du Louvre to the climax of the Tour de France; from the Eiffel Tower to Before Sunset; from the Arc de Triomphe to Thierry Henry; the French capital has certainly given us an awful lot over the years. Add to that the fact that it’s always thought of as the most romantic city in the world and you realise that ballsing up a film entitled Love in Paris would take some doing. Quite frankly, it is the cinematic equivalent of an open goal, yet its IMDb rating of 2.5/10 suggests ...

Take Me Out - visually and verbally assaulting your Saturday nights in its own special way. Once again, our bevvy of beauties are paraded out; notable presences include Charlie, Gracie, Charlotte, Lucy's Breasts and Lucy. But did any of them find love? And how does one win the heart of a Take Me Out lady? Well, if it's Nicki dnt txt 2 much, or use txt spk lyk this. She h8s it. lol. Our first man was Generic Looking Lad #34, Michael from Liverpool. Being a young lad from Liverpool he's a bit of a "cheeky chappy." Jade strokes his head. Sorry if that sounds like I've skipped to next week's date update, but it happened. Michael is a cash machine engineer ...

Original vs. Remake: Let the Right One In and Let Me In. Let The Right One In (2008) Dir. Tomas Alfredson vs. Let Me In (2010) Dir. Matt Reeves The battle begins. Let the Right One In, which we will be shortened to SWEDISH ONE and Let Me In, which I will refer to as AMERICA DOES FILM. I watched SWEDISH ONE first, as a bunch of my friends were banging on about it. Since they were fans of “world cinema” and attended “independent screenings”, I assumed they knew what they were talking about. “Oh. Vampires,” I sighed. I wasn’t about to sit back and accept this. I remember when vampires were cool. Well, not cool. Just y’know… they weren’t pansies that ...

Sun, Sex and Epic Privacy Invasion Parents – there comes a time in your child's life when you just have to let go. Is your child nineteen? Are you still calling him Munchkin? That time is now. Or, alternatively, you could follow him to Ibiza with a BBC Three film crew to spy on them during their first holiday abroad. Ollie, or Munchkin as his mum Lynn likes to refer to him, is finally breaking away from his ancient parents and going abroad for the first time. Ollie wants his Mum to see him as a man, and probably to stop calling him Munchkin. I think she might end up seeing him as a bit too much of a man. Ollie's dad, Harry, ...

If – like most Hard Working Brits™ - you work hard and draw a wage, you'll no doubt be OUTRAGED by the Royal Mail's UNPRECEDENTED plans to assist poor people at Christmas.  For those on benefits (who, depending on which paper you read, are either the most vulnerable people in society, or SCROUNGING BASTARDS), the 2012 stamp price rise will be waived over Christmas. That's it; a small gesture to make life easier for people on disability allowance or pension credits.  So, how do the Mail frame this? Outrage over Royal Mail plan to offer cheaper stamps to five million claiming benefits Ah, okay.  So who is outraged?  That'd be Tory MP Nadhim Zahawi. The former entrepreneur said: “How are they going to do ...

The nightmare is almost over; the horrifying conclusion is upon us. Which epic loser will Cara risk £50,000 on? By this point in proceedings it is fairly obvious that it's all about the money, as there is zero chemistry between any of them. Except, perhaps, finalists Dean and Danny. So far, Cara has thrown out five gays and four straights, suggesting that the finalists should be half and half. The finalists are Danny, Dean, Sam and the charming Sven. The morning following the last eviction Cara and the finalists gather to eat the breakfast of champions, which Jameela Jamil ruins by turning up to remind everyone that someone is gay. For the first challenge of the final the boys have to ...

This guy is an utter bastard. You’ve all heard the sound clip from when he screamed at a light technician on the set of Terminator 4? Yeah, you all know. He’s a stuck up Welsh bastard with delusions of American grandeur. Despite being a bellend, he is a brilliant actor. These three films are examples of true brilliance in his career. The Machinist (2004) Dir. Brad Anderson Bale often goes to extremes to prepare for roles and The Machinist is by far his biggest transformation; he lost 63lbs in a matter of months for this part. His body is terrifying, a lot of the time depicting a skeletal figure - the skeleton of a man he once was. Bale plays Reznik, a tortured ...

As Franz Ferdinand (the band not the Archduke) once said, 'Take Me Out'. So, er, let's Take Me Out. Or something. The lasses were brought out by Mr Guinness - all legs, cleavage and dreams of finding Mr Right; we've only a handful of episodes left, so they really need to bag themselves some kind of man soon. Any man. Just a man. Maybe Lad One is a "man" or some kind? Lee from Belfast is the most Northern Irish sounding contestant yet on this series and he certainly charmed our lasses and kept all 30 lights, including Bubbly Stephanie who still hasn't taken a breath yet this series. Lee is a physio and a semi-professional footballer. As is traditional for Take Me Out, ...

Becoming a vegetarian or vegan is seen by some as an assumed caveat of being, quite simply, lovely. It has the tacit implication amongst large swathes of mainstream society that you’d be a bleeding heart liberal who cares about poor people, equality and stopping nuclear proliferation. Because, after all, vegetarianism is lovely, isn’t it? Stopping the slaughter of animals is just one step away from placing daffodils in the ends of army rifles, right? Well, I'll tell you who was a famous vegetarian - Hitler. And he loved a good scrap and was a PROPER arsehole. So how’s that for your crass generalisation, society? Another famous group of veggies under the cosh this week is PETA. Everyone knows PETA as the ...

Mardi Gras Massacre opens in what appears to be a Yates’s, but is actually a bar for hookers to hang out in. A man asks for the most evil prostitute, and is pointed in the direction of Shirley; upsettingly, we’re not told what she’s actually done. She strips naked, while he dresses up in a poncho and mask. She doesn’t ask why, and lets him tie her up, in the most long-winded build up to an obvious death we’ve ever seen. It’s a sacrifice because she’s “one of their kind” - whatever that means, other than slicing open an unconvincing rubber replica of her torso and waving her heart or stomach or something at a statue. The police get on the ...

I was aware of this film briefly, but was not intrigued enough to watch it myself until someone forced it on me. Thank God for those people. I need more of you in my life. Can someone come round and force something on me? Ha ha. Yeah. Get it? I’m talking about cock. Anyway, this film is fabulous. It’s a political satire with A LOT of swearing. Brilliant. Short-arsed Minister for International Development Simon Foster makes a phenomenal cock-up and decides to have a public opinion on the threat of war in the Middle East by describing it as ‘unforeseeable’. His new advisor, Toby (played by Chris Addison), and the Prime Minister’s Director of Communications Malcolm Tucker (played by the brilliant Peter ...

Full of pancakes and ready to party, it’s time for this year’s exciting BRIT Awards. I say “exciting”, but Ed Sheeran is involved, so my hopes aren’t sky high. The show is hosted again by James Corden, but the blow of seeing his face is somewhat softened by a musical intro from Coldplay. There are colours and lasers and the band on a stage. It’s like one of those glow-stick parties where the deodorant marks on your black top get highlighted in bright UV white for all to see. Mr Corden arrives to big up the show in his typical irritating style, as he shows off the stupid-looking BRIT award itself. Whitney Houston died, so we’re going to remember her for ...

It's the Playing it Straight semi-final; the nightmare is almost over.  Cara came to Spain to find her perfect man, and so far she has only found a bunch of fools. Tonight, she has to decide which of these fools she will take through to the finale. This week, the boys will be tested on their metrosexuality, which apparently involves all the qualities that a modern man should possess, such as hair care and the planning of dinner parties. Cara splits the boys into two teams and despatches them to the local market where they encounter problems with not understanding Spanish, numbers or how to do shopping. Once back, the teams set out their meals and get dressed up all smart. ...

If there’s one thing that destroys everything you hold dear more than anything else, it’s ageing musicians who shun their original rock ‘n’ roll values later in life. Punk icon Johnny Rotten doing Country Life Butter adverts was bad. Iggy Pop endorsing car insurance was terrible. Everything Paul McCartney has done post-1990 is utterly disconcerting. But perhaps worst of all is Alex James, and his fucking cheese. As a child who discovered music during Britpop’s pomp in the mid-90s, my (just about) favourite band of the decade was Blur. I was obsessed with them. And bass player Alex James was someone I had a particular fondness for. With his art school looks, edgy despondence to society and rock star lifestyle - to an ...

You'd imagine that rat-faced soap-botherer Dean Gaffney has acted in a series of low-budget, low-rent Sky 1 shows since departing EastEnders.  Perhaps a small part in a film or two.  You'd be wrong.  As an adult, Dean's two acting roles have been an episode of the Bill and an episode of a CBBC drama called M.I. High.  The sort of desperate additions to a CV that an aspiring actor on the way up might dream about. Where Dean excels (as much as Dean can excel) is when playing "Dean Gaffney", appearing on anything and everything that'll have him.  Fortunately, that's quite a limited list. Tedious clips-and-cunts talking-heads shows like "How Soaps Changed the World" and "Jordan: You Don't Even Know Me" ...

Part one of this story can be found here. I will never forget this. There were five people in the surgery room: the surgeon (obviously), his wife (a surgeon who just stood there), another surgeon to look over the procedure, and two of the receptionist fools. They had just put some black antibiotic liquid in my eyes that burnt, so I was unable to see anything as I was guided in. I lay on the operating table and was manhandled into position by the two fools. The surgeon sitting behind me, discussing his next holiday, looked down at me while carrying on his conversation. Suspended above me was the machine that would potentially be the cause of my demise. “Alright,” he said. “Don’t ...

Bolton's favourite son, Paddy McGuinness, kicked off another episode of Take Me Out by chatting to some of the lovely ladies - including Stephanie, who would definitely describe herself as 'bubbly' if she ever took out a lonely hearts ad. Stephanie, as well as being a paramedic and a farmer, is also a barmaid, and if she had to date a drink it'd be "a pint of Buttcome". Buttcome? Butt. Come. Let's move on, rapidly. Our first lad was Liam who swaggered himself out like Jagger to that song by Maroon 5, er, Jagger something. Liam has caught Stephanie's eye and he'd love to go to her farm to "try out a couple of tractors". I assumed this was slang for ...

Love Camp 7, rather than being the light-hearted Woodstock-esque party palace that it sounds like, is actually the name of a Nazi women's concentration camp, filled with potential prostitutes.  A fictional version of the real life Joy Division.  A brilliant German-Jewish lady-scientist has been thrown in there for predictably Nazi reasons, and Our Boys want to get in touch with her to find out about a German war-plane.  Their foolproof plan is to send two of Our Girls into the camp to act as undercover whores for a week, before being busted out. Inside the camp, a woman is punished for having big boobs, in a move that would disappoint David Brent.  It's supposed to be harrowing, but the cod-German accents screaming ...