More spiteful cack in today’s Mail, with the headline: What will Katy say? After his wife adds yet more tour dates, Russell Brand reaches out to a pretty crew member on set The piece, unnecessarily and harshly written, contains phrases like: reformed lothario Russell Brand will raise more than a few eyebrows with these shots of him holding a pretty girl's hand But the fact that the pair of them were holding in hands today in a manner normally reserved for romantic couples is striking. The pair are even have even put their L.A home in trendy Los Feliz on the market, with friends reporting it is empty most of the time. (We haven’t spoiled that sentence, that’s the infantile way they wrote it) In fairness, there ...

80s pop-pimp Mike Stock has opened his face hole to bollock modern pop stars for producing what he calls "soft-core pornography". He is, of course, complaining about the half-nuddy dancing on The X Factor and the brand new trend of songs featuring raunchy lyrics. First off, his X-Factor moan. This is what he has to say: Pop stars Christina Aguilera and Rihanna's X-rated routines at the 2010 X Factor final - and Ofcom's shameful report on the matter, which infamously concluded that the dance routines were 'at the limit' of acceptability for a programme broadcast before the 9pm watershed - caused a public outcry, and rightly so. Here's the Guardian's discussion of the same Ofcom report: Ofcom received about 2,868 complaints about the ITV1 ...

According to Wikipedia, the definition of a slut is a ‘pejorative term applied to an individual who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous’. It is a word almost solely used against women by, in general, puritans who seemingly wish to implement 1920s attitudes to sex, where men gallivant in speak-easies with ‘harlots’ and ‘floosies’, whilst their wife is at home looking after the offspring. We’ve had the hippy movement, we’ve had punk, we’ve even had Duran Duran; people, both male and female, are going to have sex with each other. Deal with it. But I digress, the point being that it’s a horrible word used by horrible people. In an attempt to ‘reclaim’ the word, ...

Weekly chav-bait magazine Pick Me Up likes to believe in a bit of the supernatural, ghosts, spirits, fairies and all that gumf. One of their most popular features is the resident psychic, a typically middle-aged, female liar, who pretends that she can talk to the dead. Rather than achieving world fame, riches and a Nobel prize, they decide to peddle their gift via a £1.50 a minute hotline, and in the back of a magazine. What worthy causes does the Photo Psychic throw her weight behind? Solving a murder? Nope, she's dabbling in the property market: I've had my house on the market since last summer. Lots of people have seen it, and said really nice things, but no-one's made an offer. Can ...

My dad is bloody ace. Your dad probably is too, unless you're a Fritzl or a West. Luckily, my dad, er, didn't abuse me. Okay, that's not going so well. My dad did teach me sodding loads though - he showed me how to read and write, dammit! I still have the hardback copy of The Hobbit that he bought me when I was 9. I know I do, because I've just finished reading it. Again. I can ride a bike and drive a car because of him. I'm sarcastic and get hayfever because of him. He's tolerated my teenage drinking experiments ("Beer's too expensive to not keep it down you"), and is vaguely aware of ...

I watched… The Fairy Jobmother, C4 ‘There are jobs out there,’ begins employment expert Hayley Taylor as she opens the first meeting of the Hartlepool Work Club, ‘they’re just really, really rubbish jobs.’ The unemployed stare back at her nervously, as she writes a number of Daily Mail sponsored statistics on her lecture pad. ‘The only reason you don’t have jobs,’ Hayley continues, ‘is because you’re lazy. If you don’t get jobs, you’ll lose your benefits, which you don’t deserve anyway, and your children will starve. And when I say get a job, I mean any old rubbish, soul destroying job you can find. Don’t worry about your self respect, you don’t have any. Self respect is for people like me.’ The door bursts ...

Thirty years after it stopped being the home of newspapers, Fleet Street is still seen as the, er, home of newspapers. The teams head there to be given this week's task. They'll be making free (or to the sods in the industry, "Freemium") magazines, and flogging ad space. They're given generic advice by a guru, and set off to create the next Pick Me Up. "Miss your deadlines and the printing presses will run without you" Logic's PM Natasha decides to create a lads' mag. Tom writes "boobs" and "nacked girls" on the whiteboard, proving that he's got 95% of the content wrapped up already. For the other 5%, they just need to steal some jokes off Twitter, and they're set. To ...

What the does the headline “Shark-hit Cornish town is just like film Jaws” imply? Well, you’d rightly remember that in the film Jaws, a monstrous Great White shark terrorises American beach town Amity, at the start of their summer season. Ol’ Sharp Teeth noms down on a drunk female swimmer, a child, a man in a silly small boat, some guy’s dog and eventually, one of men charged with stopping it. Pretty terrifying stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree. And so, St Ives is similarly terrorised? Are Cornish skinny-dippers and pre-teen boys being turned into delicious food like some kind of water-based buffet? Are St Ives’ beaches turning red with the guts of dozens of innocent holiday-makers? Well, let’s go to the story ...

On our whistlestop tour of the world of prostitute reviews, we've stopped by for a look at the lovely ladies, and where they live. Our third and final part is a look at the defining part of any transaction, the customer service on offer.

More interested in drinking the Lambrusco and Fanta she brought with her.

Off with the hood and some heavy o without, too heavy as she caught my head with a tooth and drew blood. Basically finished with a hand jon cos of the blood, and painful it was

I came pretty quickly, partly natural nerves and partly because I am a busy man.

She lubed up, sat on top of ...

Last week saw break ups, bounders coming a cropper and holiday plans being hatched. We haven’t seen Bitchface Amber for a while. Her shiny moon face is bitchfacing with Stirrer Rosie. Of course Caggie and Millie happen to be in the same shop and they of course have to reveal that they’re prancing off somewhere with Douchelord Spencer and Bounder Hugo. Totes awkward, yah? Rosie’s totes fine with it apparently though her Wide Eyes Of Doom say otherwise. Francis Boulle CEO is still trying to make this sporting thing happen and is fencing with “Model” Fredrik. Fredrik manages to stab Francis and cause bleeding. No one gets cut in fencing, seriously Francis, give it up. Fredrik thinks Francis is jealous of him ...

Upsettingly trawling its way through yet another series, Mock the Week is the poor man's Eight Out of Ten Cats, which in itself is the poor man's Have I Got News For You. It's political satire for Nuts readers. We've avoided MTW for some time, out of a vague sense of pride in how we spend our time, but took a tentative leap back in to find out whether or not they've bothered to improve it. In traditional panel show format, two teams sit at desks while the host - in this case, the too-good-for-this-and-he-knows-it Dara Ó Briain - asks vague questions as a jumping off point for hilarity. Or, in this case, "hilarity". One of the worst rounds ...

This is a guest post from the wonderful Stuart Taylor who runs Chain Bear, which can accurately be described as a website on the Internet. You may have heard that Honey 2 is the 'dance movie event of the decade', so I sat myself in front of the original dance epic to prepare us all for the road ahead. My wife tells me that Honey is one of the original street dance movies, before they became passé, so my fears going into this film could well be unfounded. We open over the New York City skyline, while a rap song informs us that this is 'New York City', so I'm starting to feel that this film may be set in New York ...

With more and more emphasis placed on spending money in the UK (with ‘Buy British’ campaigns being all the rage right now), UK tourism is an industry that has been devastated by the availability of cheap and easy holidays abroad; whether it’s a classy city break for a discerning couple, or a 7 day piss up in I-Beef-Ah (which is nothing more than a glorified game of ‘STI Bingo’, if we’re honest). Just look at the state of seaside hotpots of yester year; Southend is now a point of ridicule, Morecambe is simply known as ‘that place that the funny man came from’ and Blackpool is like a ghost town. However, at Shouting at Cows we like to ...

This week I watched… New Look Style the Nation, T4 Back in 2009, when I watched Young Butcher of the Year, I realised something bad was happening. Already saturated with people with singing dreams, people with dancing dreams and people with business dreams, television was looking elsewhere for willing flesh to fill its reality- based ambition shows, extending its slimy tentacles out on to our high street. Now it’s the turn of those twenty-something girls who work in Topshop, and wear vintage. It’s not quite the X Factor auditions as presenter Nick Grimshaw kicks off this series in a shopping centre in London. A handful of potential candidates mill around, anxious to win the top prize of a year’s styling content with New ...

POLICE are hunting a pervert thought to be responsible for DOZENS of sex attacks on BUS SHELTERS! The drooling fiend has been spotted having what is described by Wítnesses as "energetic sex" with shelters on routes heading towards Islington, north London. Shoppers, commuters and even THE BLIND have reported coming into contact with the "intimate mess" left behind by the warped maniac. Police are reluctant to cause panic on the busy public transport routes by sounding a full-scale alert, but are keen to nab the man dubbed the "Shelter Shagger" before the summer holidays. A source at the Met said: "London's tourist trade is still very shaky and the last thing we want is visitors worried they may sit in the residue of someone ...

We're on week six, ten businessdicks remain, and Helen is still yet to do actually do anything memorable. The teams are sent out in hi-viz jackets to Smuggler's Way, which isn't quite the Enid Blyton adventure it sounds. It's a rubbish distribution centre, meaning that they distribute rubbish, rather than being City Link. They're given a truck each, and two days to clear out as much waste as possible. They can sell off any valuable bits they find, like City Wombles. We won't bother with the "selling rubbish comes naturally to Alan Sugar" line. Venture bicker over who'll be PM, while Logic's newest member, Helen, immediately volunteers to head up their team. Tom's the first to benefit from her ...

Last week, we took at look at the disturbing homes of hookers ("The sitting room was strewn with toys and rubbish"). Tonight, we'll be checking out the lovely ladies themselves. Warning: It's pretty unpleasant.

Early 40's - fat (not nicely like a BBW but ugly fat), poor teeth and a crooked eye

She stripped off to reveal a very skinny body, prominent veins and a srawny arse - not too bonny. I went down on her for a while, then tried to suck her toes and she lost it - 'Oh for f*** sake hurry up!'. She then tore open a sachet of lube and rammed it up her fanny, snapped a condom on me ...

Last week saw totes expected revelations and the most inappropriate uses of an intern since Clinton was introduced to Lewinsky. This week Francis Boulle CEO, Douchelord Spencer and, er, Hugo pretended to be men of the people and play pool. Francis is shit at pool too. He should just give up any sporting endeavours now. He does however seem to think he is a ladies’ man and proffers advice on the power of suggestion to Spencer and Hugo. It’s as awkward as you’d expect. Especially when he claims to have “been there” with both Millie and Rosie. We don’t know what “been there” is. Maybe it means “in the same room”. Stirrer Rosie totes didn’t know that Hugo and Millie had some ...

 

At Shouting at Cows, we have a morbid obsession with pop culture. With TV reviews for the likes of Made in Chelsea, Hotter Than My Daughter and a number of shows starring ‘actor’ Will Mellor; we’ve watched more B-list TV vehicles than you’ve had hot dinners. Had we used that time productively, we could have…I dunno…built……something. I guess. Anyway, we know it’s dirge and instantly forgettable, and most of our reviews tend to be acerbic rants full of swearing, but when it’s early evening and there’s nothing else on the box except Tool Acadamy re-runs, what else are you going to do with yourself? Talk to people? Interact with the outside world? Pfft, yeah alright, mate. However, some people ...