If you thought Deal or no Deal was too complicated, that Justin Lee Collins’ Heads or Tails wasn’t long-winded enough, or that The X Factor didn’t have enough Simon Cowell contracted artists on it, then ITV are on the case. Welcome Red or Black?, a week-long £15m gamestravaganza, inevitably and effortlessly hosted by Ant and Dec.  An arenaful of people are asked to guess the answer to a 50/50 question, around ...

When the writing team at National Lampoon were first approached to make a movie starring Paris Hilton, they were clearly aware of her acting limitations and so wrote the character of Victoria English to be, well, her. The result is Pledge This!, the annoyingly-punctuated comedy movie that IMDB readers have voted the 11th worst movie EVER.  Worse than The Tony Blair Witch Project and Fat Slags.  We're going in.  We should ...

DISCLAIMER: I haven't actually watched any of this series so far. But then, who has? Anyway, I can't imagine it'll be too hard to grasp what's going on. Brian Dowling wanders into shot. Hasn't he done well for himself? He's no Davina though. Bobby, Darren, Lucien and Tara are up for eviction this week. I only know who one of those people is, which, when I think about it, is pretty ...

Ladies, the love child of Zoolander and a 1960s Ken doll walks amongst us, and it is right that we worship him. I speak, of course, of Gavin Henson. It is week three, and Gavin is no closer to finding a soul-mate to clasp against his plastic chest. Time for more pointless dates. There is just time for some stock footage of Gavin doing topless press-ups on the beach, as Carianne ...

Transfer Deadline Day, Sky Sports News It's not often we talk about football here at Shouting at Cows for fear of alienated people who don't enjoy watching overpaid morons running and kicking a leather ball around a field. But on 31st August every year the world of football goes a bit mental. This, ladies and gentlemen, is transfer deadline day - the last chance clubs get to sign new players until January. Despite having since June to ...

This is a guest post by Jenny MacDonald, who describes herself as a CDWM expert, and blogs about her life here. I was not in a very good place back in early 2007.  I’m still not quite sure what happened but at some point I turned on the television and was confronted by a group of folk from Swansea, one of whom was the host of that particular show, Ernie.  Apparently he ...

Apparently it's the day of the second eviction, and after a blood-ritual, it falls on me to report it. Out comes Brian Dowling - physically, not, oh nevermind - talking like a gay robot who informs us that up for eviction is Pamela Bach-Dusseldorf or someone and Darryn Lyons. It's literally a "who's that?" of the world of celebrity. The tossers in audience boo both potential evictees for arbitrary reasons. They lived with no ...

And so, week 2 of X Factor dawns with excitable shouting and potential dead dads. Firstly we meet Johnny Robinson. Johnny it is fair to say, in fact he says it himself, is not the best looking bloke in the world. He’s the campest council looking bloke you’ll ever encounter and adorable. No one would expect anything from him. Except for the fact he is dragtastically fantastic. But will Boss Eyed ...

Vernon Kay is a buffoon.  A gangly tit, lacking the self-awareness gene that stops most people from making a scene of themselves.  A sparkling, gaudy stack of nothingness, an empty shell groomed to perfection.  Perfection on a budget.  A walking Matalan catalogue with shiny teeth.A vapid hole in the nation's culture, Kay is a perfect fit for the spangly-but-brainless ITV light-entertainment line-up on a Saturday night.  Fronting the laughably named ...

Last Week, we watched The Room and we wondered how it was possible to make a film so incoherently awful. Having watched Birdemic: Shock and Terror, I now have a new-found respect for how much effort went in to making The Room as good at it was. I'd suggest any bidding young film makers to watch Birdemic, as there is no clearer lesson in the pitfalls to avoid when making your first movie.   Birdemic: Shock ...

We're back in the South of France with Gavin Henson, woman's ultimate prize. There are fifteen girls left, and they are moving into a luxury villa on the Mediterranean. The girls will be living side by side as they compete for Gavin. Let the bitching begin. The episode kicks off with eight girls being selected for a date on a luxury catamaran cruise organised by Gavin. (Gavin has not organised this.) ...

Hi, it's Stuart here from the Movie Review section. I haven't watched Big Brother in about 7 years, including any of this season, but I thought - how difficult can it be? It's a handful of nobodies in a house - I'll pick this up in no time. The show begins with Brian Dowling telling us that the eviction is between 'Bad Boy' Bobby (one of the ones I don't recognise), ...