Week two, and task two is a generic “design a product, and pitch it” effort, set up to force the apprentices into an unfamiliar situation, and then laugh at them for doing it wrong. Tonight, they’re sorting out a whole new baby product. Who needs massive companies with enormous research and design budgets, when a handful of spotty little sods can make you millions overnight? The teams, still boys vs. girls, are given a pep talk on babies, and what a ballache they are to look after. It seems vaguely irrelevant to the task, and only there to stop them rutting as soon as the cameras are off. Lewis takes over as the boys’ PM, instilling his ...

It's emotional D-Day for Gavin; there are just TWO GIRLS left. It seems hard to believe that one of these girls will be his wife. Gavin has two dates left, and rather than having to make up his mind his has drafted in his family to tell him what to do. God knows what his family think of girls who would go on a reality TV show to meet a boyfriend. This is in no way awkward. Leila is first to meet the family. 'Can you have children?' Gavin's Dad asks Leila, as his Mum and Sister look on appalled. 'Well, we've got to find these things out now,' he retorts, 'Wales needs boys.' The family's meeting with Carianne doesn't ...

Kirstie's Home-made Britain, Channel 4 If you ever had any doubts that Kirstie Allsopp lives in a different world from the rest of us, this will finally remove them. Not content with showing us houses and fancy holidays that we can't afford, she is now attempting to convince us that everyone in Britain is secretly visiting country shows to look at fancy chickens. Last week Kirstie managed to win the Devon Show Afternoon Tea competition, but now she has to try her hand at paper crafts at the Royal Welsh Show. Paper crafts are MASSIVELY COMPETITIVE, and Kirstie will up against a shadowy collective of crafters, like Dilys Morgan, who is so old she's won 'best in show' multiple times. In ...

So last night was supposed to be rock and was more small pebble caught in your shoe that really hurts but you can’t quite seem to get it out. Who was so gut wrenchingly awful though that they simply have to go? Clearly the answer to that is Frankie but we’ll have to wait and see. Kelly’s put her BOOOOOOOOOBS away this week, which is a bit of a shame. They were one of the best bits last week. Anyway, there’s three “star” guests this week which means no room for a group Sing-Song-Mime-A-Long. Boooo! They’re the only thing to make the results show watchable. Look though, it’s Kelly Clarkson! Remember her? She won American Idol and had that song that was amazing ...

So last week Louis said swagger, Johnny scared Gary and Nu Vibe were awful enough to be sent home. Apparently it was a RATINGS DISASTER so the producers think that re-introducing Rock Week is totes the right way to fix this. Erm..... Gary’s got into the spirit of Rock Week in the only way he knows how – faux leather jacket and carefully crafted stubble. Dermot is so excited he can’t even wait for the X to part before he bounds through wearing... A SUIT THAT FITS! Praise be Dermot! Praise be indeed! Singing Hairdresser Marcus is up first. Because they learnt that no one likes sob stories, they’ve all been saved for the finalists to trickle out like grey matter in ...

Lord Sugar is back, and he's been trawling high schools and community colleges for 12 of Britain's best businesskids. As always, the series opens with the candidates offering unrealistic appraisals of themselves and alienating the viewers from their first sociopathic words. Sugs calls them into the boardroom and tells them: "I love you lot". Here we go. He's confused by two of them being called "Harry", and inventively calls them Harry M and Harry H. Their task tonight is to sell a "frozen treat" (i.e. ice cream), that they've branded themselves. First though, is team names. The girls suggest "Sixth Sense", which is rejected for being "odd", and go with Kinetic. The boys choose ...

It's the penultimate episode of The Bachelor, and only three remain; Layla, April and Carianne (bitch-face). They have flown to the island paradise of St Lucia for more misunderstandings and in-fighting. Let the ENFORCED romance begin! Gavin has had a bit of break from finding a wife to do some rugby training, but now it's back to daily grind of drinking champagne and baring his orange chest. As there are less girls, it means more time alone with Gavin for the remaining three. This in turn means there is more chance things could go wrong. The first date of the round is with April at an exclusive spa. Unfortunately both Gavin and April are shy, and we can only hope that ...

Last night we had some good, some bad and some indifferent singing. Tonight, we have the results of the public vote and so this is the first proper results show. One of the things that was wrong with last week was the lack of an actual singing star and a GROUP SING-SONG-MIME-A-LONG! This week we have both. And The Wanted. The first notable thing is KELLY’S BOOOOOOOOBS. Girl has had them done and isn’t afraid to show them off. Good for her. They are a very POW! Never mind them though. It’s time for Auto Tune Heaven in the form of the Group Sing-Song-Mime-A-Long. They do That Song With The Tennis Playing Video. Except they have phone boxes. Because this is the first ...

How desperate would you have to be to use Jeremy Kyle as your "Phone a Friend"? Unless the question was "Who is my real dad?" or What are you looking at?" we imagine that he'd be as useful as a thing in a situation where it would be useless. Kyle's inherent dislikeability hasn't deterred ITV1, who have popped out the unexpectedly complicated High Stakes, a prime-time Jeremy Kyle quiz vehicle that is orders of magnitude more complicated than the dismal Red or Black. A contestant is given a row of eight consecutive numbers, and must avoid the arbitrarily selected WRONG NUMBER, which Jeremy refers to as a "trap", like he's trying to pick out the right Thai prostitute. Johnny Punter must pick ...

So last week was almost like an extension of Judges’ Houses when the judges had to send home one of their own acts instead of there being a public vote. That makes this week the first week proper of live shows in that case as people can actually vote and as we’ve learnt before, that can mean anything. Someone’s discovered the vintage effect on their editing software. Lovely. Dermot’s back to wearing suits that don’t quite fit him properly, Gary is still forsaking ties and chest hair, Tulisa is still insisting on showing us her chavtastic tattoo, Louis is still grinning like an inane fool and so order is restored. The theme this week is Love and Heartbreak, which means that ...

Tim Ward is off sick, so we punished him with Jeremy Kyle. Jeremy 'Jezza' Kyle has fronted his show since it was forged from the tormented souls of the dead a millennium ago to rival the much better Jerry Springer Show.  As you know, toothless simpletons bicker over which poor sod was foolish enough to orgasm within a terrible globe of a woman is a staple for the show. This particular episode is titled YOU DISOWNED OUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE WASN'T THE SON YOU WANTED! so I awaiting Henry VIII with bated breath. Sadly, it seems our former King is not going to be featured this morning. Kyle sneers a welcome to Nadine who has a 22 month daughter, but Ste, the father, denies he's ...

GAVIN IS DOWN TO HIS FINAL FIVE! One of these girls is going to be Gavin's girlfriend, possibly even his WIFE! This week there will be no luxury dates, and instead Gavin will be travelling the country to meet the families of his possible brides. Two girls will be voted off, and the remaining three will travel to St. Lucia with Gavin. I'll be very surprised if Carianne isn't one of those girls. Gavin has been looking forward to meeting the girl's families. Apparently if you have a good relationship with your parents it makes you a good person, like Gavin. Oh to inhabit the simplistic world of Gavin Henson. Gavin's journey begins in the West Midlands, where he's come to meet Leila ...

Gok Wan's Clothes Roadshow, C4 ANOTHER GOK WAN ROADSHOW. This is a known fact. He's always touring up and down the country, poking around in women's knicker draws and shrieking about capsule wardrobes and haberdasheries. I have no time for him, and will probably find it necessary to turn to drink at some point during this. Or have a Cornetto or something. Gok begins his latest road show by informing us that women want to look nice for no money. As a result, they all currently look like shit. Probably. The best way to rectify this is to find three women who look totally fine and force them to wear heels and fifties style dresses. Apparent frump Jane is forced into a purple ...

Katie Price is a multi-millionaire business woman; she is a glamour model, author, and will flog absolutely anything. Including actual flesh. Having exhausted her own flesh, now well into it's thirties and past it's prime, Price appears on screen like a malevolent orange cloud to woodenly announcing that she's moving into talent management. I think I can understand why she's never tried acting. The winner of the competition will be offered a calender, a celebrity perfume, and trips around the world. Helping Katie in her search, which will take place in such metropolis' as Bristol, are Bayo Furlong and Glen Middleham. Despite sounding like he might be a character from The Hobbit, Bayo knows what hot. What is hot is definitely ...

So, we sat through a lifetime’s worth of X Factor in order to sit through another lifetime’s worth of results show. I’m watching it on catch up though so I can fast forward through all the adverts and Matt Cardle. Just in case you had some kind of episode following the sheer relentlessness of the live show, we’re handily reminded of who everyone is. Dermot’s still sticking with that suit thing instead of the hipster sailor look. Gary seems to have an aversion to ties. Then we have to sit through a recap of what happened last night. Except I don’t. It’s too much too soon. Then they try to make Matt Cardle sound exciting except then he sings that dire song ...

You don’t have any plans between now and Christmas do you? Of course not. Not with THREE AND A HALF HOURS of X Factor dramarama to get through. I did have plans – well, I was working – so I’m watching it ALL IN ONE GO. Hold me. We’re at the live show stage. We’re promised BIG TWISTS – which aren’t big because we all knew about them last week. We do get snazzy new titles and a remix of the theme tune. So let’s get on it. Dermot’s forsaken his hipster sailor look in favour of some sharp tailoring. The themes are still reassuringly broad and vague – this week UK v US – which could mean LITERALLY ANY SONG could ...

Gavin's quest for love rumbles on, engulfing Venice in an orange cloud. There are just SEVEN girls left now, and it's getting harder for our Romeo to chose. Gavin kicks things off by inviting a very nervous April on a romantic lunch/solo date, to a restaurant with plastic chairs. April struggles with her confidence, but Gavin likes that in a girl. Back at the house,the girls speculate that April will have to do something really bad to not be awarded the rose and sent home. Luckily, April doesn't mess up, and wins the rose, and obligatory snog, 'We kissed, it wasn't a full on kiss, I could feel that she was reserved like that, and I respect that,' Gain reveals in ...

Mary Queen of Frocks, C4 'IT'S TIME TO PUT MY MONEY WHERE MY MOUTH IS', declares Mary Portas as her new series retail themed begins. This time, instead of tearing rubbish shops to shreds, she is going to open one. She can't resist a little bit of slagging off the competition though, and storms around pointing angrily at beige dresses and tiny crop tops, 'I'm 51 on Wednesday, and I don't want to look like a whore. Or a Granny.' Mary wants to dress 40+ women in a simple classic way, citing Kirsten Scott-Thomas and Julienne Moore as inspiration. I'm twenty-six, and I'd quite like to look like Julienne Moore. I don't think she's found a gap in the market, so much as ...

This week, the internet was darkened by what the Daily Mail likes to call a 'twitterstorm' after The Wright Stuff featured a segment in response to the Knox/Sollecito verdict entitled, 'Foxy Knoxy: Would Ya?' I think we can all agree that this is a tremendously disgraceful way to frame a debate set in the aftermath of a young woman's murder, but if Sachsgate has taught us anything, it's best to investigate the show for ourselves before marching down to Channel 5 with torches and pickaxes. After all, how many people up in arms about The Wright Stuff had actually seen that episode? So, let's have a look at, then. Matthew Wright has said that he always hated that the media used the nickname 'Foxy Knoxy' to ...