Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months. 7th January 2012 was the first episode of this series and I'd wager it lasted far longer than anyone's New Year Resolutions. But now here we are, at the end. But not before Sir Paddy McGuinness guided us through a mammoth 90 minute blow out spectacular. Did all the girls leave their lights on for the whole show for a free hol? Did Lucy finally fix her plinth and get her light working? Did those two twins have a fight, as they've done sod-all up to now? Let's find out. The ladies came out looking ravenous with looks of determination - determination to find dates. Lucy is just waiting for that perfect guy to come ...

Last week, the weight of Maria's eyehadow meant that she fell asleep in cars and so she was fired. This week, the remaining fools have to make a condiment to sell to people with no tastebuds. Gloopy. Lord Sugartits tells them this at a dock for reasons that are so tenuous that they don't even exist. He's bladdy bored of the boys winning all the time so he mixes it up a bit by sending Quiet Katie to flutter her eyelashes at the boys and Duane and Nick to deal with the idiot girls. Fruit and veg man Adam introduces Katie to the boys even though she's been living with them for three weeks and so would presumably know who they ...

Game of Thrones, Sky Atlantic I've been excited for the second series of Game of Thrones for, like, ever. Since the last season ended, definitely. I don't think I was able to thoroughly enjoy Christmas because of that persistent, niggling feeling that something was missing from my life. Bearded men with swords, mainly, but I've also felt bereft of the presence of incest, dwarves, dragons and medieval types shagging each other rotten on my television screen. You could hear the glee in the announcer's voice when he warned us that the following programme would contain 'bad language, scenes of extreme violence, plentiful nudity and explicit sexual behaviour'. Man, this programme is such a box-ticker. In order to compensate us for the absence ...

Despite the usual tasteless Channel 4 marketing blitz, and the unpalatable title, The Undateables was a surprisingly charming and often moving show. There was nothing undateable about the three people featured in episode one, and apart from a slightly patronising voiceover gasping about 'first ever dates' at the beginning, they could have been any single people struggling to find love with the help of a dating agency. Dating agency Searchmate is enouraging people with disabilities to join up, and they visit clients at home to assess their needs. 37 year old Richard has Aspergers, which means he finds it hard to connect with people and has only ever had one date. Richard has a close bond with his mum Liz, who ...

When I mention this show, which stars my future husband Charlie Day/Kelly, people often look at me in confused bemusement. The excitement of discussing it would usually leaves me poised in a gravity-defying stance, frothing at my mouth with inverted eyeballs. Don’t worry, it’s anime excitement. There are five main fabulous characters: Dennis, the vain one; Dee, the girl; Mac, the stupid one; Charlie, the loud one; and Frank, the Danny De Vito. These people are absurd megalomaniacs with the intention to serve only themselves. They hurt, attack and destroy other people solely to be more comfortable. There’s no one that makes me happier. They have restored my faith in humanity. The beautiful bastards. They work in an Irish-themed bar ...

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind, that letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new life." Now, I'm not saying that the end of the series of Take Me Out is the same as the end of the world. But it might as well be. We have but one more show this series, and then that's our Saturdays ruined - to be filled with a relentlessly sob-story-filled deluge of rent-a-cruise performers judged by a parade of smarmy, condescending, something rotate-a-chair toss baskets. Or something. So let's cherish what we have. Here, we go. Our first fella was Dickensian Viscount Accused of Murdering ...

Oh, Doctor Christian Jessen. Don’t you just love him? He’s the nice fellow with the teenage boy hairstyle, killer abs and angular jawline who prods and pokes people’s naughty bits for a living. When he’s not writing in his column for the Evening Standard, replying to sarcastic tweets about homeopathic medicine and presumably, you know, being a doctor, he can be found gracing your TV screens on Monday and Tuesday nights on Embarrassing Bodies and Supersize vs. Superskinny respectively. Embarrassing Bodies seems to divide viewers’ opinions; people like my other half cannot stand to watch it and can’t fathom why people would come on national telly to show their spotty winky, or crusty foo-foo, and why indeed anyone would want to ...

Lord Sugartits still isn't looking for a friend or a dog or Lord Lucan. Though to be fair he'd have a better chance of finding Lucan than the amazing BLADDY BIZNISS mind that he seems to think he's going to find. Anyway, last week, Bilyana managed to talk her way out of a job and got fired. 5.30am is apparently a thing not that any of this lot seem to know. They've been summoned to the Victoria and Albert Museum. The girls are busy bitching about how the boys think they're better than them. Well, they are so far because they won last week. After a brief history lesson from Lord Sugartits, he reveals that the task this week is to ...

I'll have to admit, last week I perhaps went off a little too soon. I thought we had reached the sticky climax of Take Me Out. But it seems I was wrong. Saturday's latest instalment was merely the penultimate penultimate episode. And I was more excited than ever for the late 9.20 kick off, hoping for swearing, gratuitous nudity and perhaps some violence. All the single ladies seemed more sparkly than usual and there was one new girl that had a story to tell. Lucy G once kissed her sister's ex-boyfriend. "Oooooooh," said the crowd in a judgemental hum. "I also once tried to kiss my sister's current boyfriend." revealed Lucy G "Trollop!" yelled the audience, in the bits edited out, I assume. Our first ...

Touch, Sky 1 The tricky thing about Kiefer Sutherland is that once you notice his earlobes are completely attached to his head, it's very difficult to forget this fact and pay attention to whatever programme he's in.  In addition to this, it's a bit of a struggle getting used to him in this new role as the single father of an eleven year old boy, Jake, who doesn't speak, has a bit of a thing about numbers and, oh I dunno, controls the world through his notepad or something. Kiefer's not meant to be a dad, tied down with relentless childcare arrangements, he's meant to be striding along the open roads, alone, armed only with his man-bag, shades and the ability ...

Ah look. London Town in all its HD glory. Lush. Striding in to ruin the view, though, is this year's bunch of cretinous muppets trying to trick Lord Sugartits into starting up a BLADDY BIZNISS with them. It's 8am in the boardroom and there is a frightening array of eyebrows and over-highlighted faces ready for the first task. First though, they have to listen to Lord Sugartits running through a random list of people who had partnerships. Also, he isn't looking for a dog which is completely irrelevant but good to know all the same. In an effort to gee them up a bit, he gets a bit bolshy and claims he'd win his own bladdy "process" if he was on ...

So we’ve met the girls. Now let’s meet the boys because, frankly, they’re always better value for money when it comes to TV gold. THE BOYS Adam Corbally, 32 Adam is a market trader. No, not that sort. He actually deals in fruit and veg. It's almost a step up from stocking the bread aisle in Co-op. He used to do that. Not caring about the rest of Richard Branson's empire, Adam wishes he'd thought of Virgin Galactic. Never mind, at least he's the brains behind his local Christmas lights switch-on. Branson wishes he had that power. He says: "I get too excited but that shows my passion, it shows my drive and it shows my ability." We say: "It shows you shouldn't have too much ...

BLADDY BIZNISS! Yes, that’s right, Lord Sugartits is back with another bunch of eager beavers bluffing and bungling their way to a dirty stack of cash that fell off the back of a van. But who are these cretins? Let’s find out shall we? THE GIRLS Soon to be known to you as Team Destiny or something equally ridiculous, this lot represent the cutting edge of female business brains. Weep for our future, sisters. Bilyana Apostolova, 25 Bilyana already wins a prize for the name that Lord Sugartits is going to mangle the most. She sold snails when she was a kid in what passes for some sort of go-getting enterprise in Bulgaria. She’s a “risk analyst” but is training to be a “wealth ...

Once you get over the weirdness of middle-aged internet innocents delving into web slang without a safety net, The Anti-Social Network is an interesting and quite disturbing insight into the horrors of the bowels of cyberspace. Personally, I tend to abide by the ancient proverb, “Only read the top half of the internet” as it's abundantly clear that letting every Tom, Dick and Sally mind-vomit all over the comments section of web is one of the true monstrosities of our age. Step forward, Richard Bacon. He wants to explore “trolling”, which, for the purposes of this programme, has been narrowly defined as “being an abusive shit online” (with the more general definition being “internet tomfoolery”). Bacon has his own personal troll who, across ...

Saturday was St Patrick's Day and as such, the national welcomed its own St Paddy into their homes with his own Paddy's Parade...of women that is! Oh ha ha ha. Honestly, you'll miss these intros when the series ends. Our first lad was Generic Topman Fella #375, Mikey from Wrexham with a voice like a children's TV presenter desperately clinging onto his job. He did easily cling onto all 30 lights and seems genuinely embarrassed about that. He received compliments about his knees - you know what they say... er... knees. Our Mikey is a scuba diving instructor in the Bahamas, which might make dating some lass from Yorkshire a bit awkward. However, he is only there for six weeks at a time, which got our ...

Mary's Bottom Line, Channel 4 Mary's remit has increased over the years; the kind of woman who can pull off altitude-sickness-inducing shoulder pads whilst ripping the anchors off ships to use as accessories doesn't want to bother herself with saving one measly business, she wants to save a whole industry. Or even the nation, maybe - starting with our knickers.  90% of our clothing is imported and the idea is to create products not only designed in Britain, but made here too, using British products.  A quick street survey of girls’ undies (Channel 4 just can't help themselves sometimes) shows that everyone is wearing pants from China and Bangladesh whilst moaning on that of course they'd much prefer to buy scanties ...

Dating shows, eh? Aren’t they a lark? You know what would make a good one? Getting that bloke off of the radio and that X Factor bird off of the Iceland adverts to present one. They’re well sexy and love-spirational aren’t they? And how about you have a revolving platform of blokes or girls and have someone pick someone to go on a date with, based purely on looks. Yeah. That’s the premise of Love Machine (“Let’s name it after a Girls Aloud song from 2004!”). Has your brain flung itself out of your ears yet? Just be thankful you didn’t watch it. Here’s Chris Moyles – yeah, Chris Moyles – trying to get some sort of sense from Amy from ...

There’s a recession on, in case you haven’t noticed. If you’re a lady and you’ve found yourself unemployed, why not turn to phone sex? Don’t fancy it? Actually, sorry, there are no other jobs for women. It’s phone sex or benefits for you, ladies. Sexy sexy phone sex. Except, is it really that sexy from the woman’s end? Do they really spend all day lounging on leopard skin throws in lingerie, waiting for lonely men to pant down the phone to them? Who even are these women? Thanks to Channel 4, and some hard hitting investigative journalism, we can now find the truth. Marni Diamond has a LUXURY apartment which costs over £600 a month; money she earns exclusively from phone ...

As Confucius once said: “Take Me Out is on”, so let’s get to it. Was the first lad out of Paddy’s Love Lift good enough for our 30 ladies? We find out as back-flipping-face-of-a-ten-year-old Ben from Leeds introduces himself. He initially only loses four lights, but kept the attention of bubbly Stephanie and new girl Alex – who thinks that being able to do a backflip should be enough for a career as a child’s entertainer “dressed up like a little clown”. Ben is a tumbler for Team GB which does go down well with some of the girls who are nothing if not stringently anti-Olympics. Ben loves jumping about. Constantly. And he also dances like, well, someone who can't dance. Jude ...