Yes, we’re a month or two late. What of it?

Bender more like!

Footballers come inside the box!

C'mon, non-descript fooballers!

Grr, bloke.

We are not here to judge those who make their money from having sex on camera. If we were in a position to be surrounded by beautiful, naked people constantly, we’d probably go ahead with it.

While we’ve made every attempt to make this article safe for work, it’s at your own risk, obviously.

When you are naked on film, every single inch of your body is out there for people to see, comment on and critique. A squeezable spot. A stray hair. A weird bum. These people don’t have the same crippling insecurities as us, and are too in need of money or drugs to care.

In fact, some of them will make it worse for themselves by getting a tattoo. The worst tattoo I ever saw in real life was a guy with Bart Simpson on his leg. Bart Simpson naked. Bart Simpson with an erection. I hated him, and I hope he is sued by Fox and has to have his leg amputated.

Here are five porn performers that don’t care what people think of their tattoos. They’ve made an ill-advised decision and they’re going to stick with it, right up until the point that laser surgery becomes an affordable option.

Whoa! Her stockings are really skin-tight and see through. Hold on a minute – what a jape! They’re not stockings at all! They’re her legs!

Lucky Fiona. To be reminded time and time again that this chap is deeply in love with you. Brilliantly, the tattoo is placed where it can only be seen when he’s naked, so you only get the full benefit when he’s sticking it in someone. Presumably not Fiona.

Let’s fast forward forty years. This girl is now a grandmother, and one of the grandkids catches sight of a wee bit of writing on her back. “What does that say, nana?” The little boy asks. And she is brought back in time to 2010, when she was bent over a bed with a disgusting old guy who smells faintly of cigarettes taking her from behind while shouting, “yeah, who’s daddy’s little girl now, bitch?” And she realises an important lesson: It’s not the amount of time it takes to perform the act, it’s the amount of time it takes to forget.

Pictures of bullets! How hard he must be! If only he had some sort of meat gun… oh, very clever! Shame the gun is smaller than the bullets. It’s blanked out here, obviously, but trust us. We’ve seen it. As a bonus, this guy is so stupid that he doesn’t realise his job is being paid to fuck, and is now serving life imprisonment for rape. What a fucking idiot.

This is amazing: A Lord of the Rings fan, as this says “One ring to rule them all”. In Elvish. Around her ringpiece. We have nothing to add, we’re in awe.

If there’s one thing that drives folk on the Internet, it’s pettiness. Being right matters, dammit. This is why IMDB’s Goofs section is a terrible, terrible idea. The idea of a list of goofs in general is appealing – despite the horrible American name, only slightly better than “blooper”.

The stamp used by the parole hearings people in 1947 prints in the Helvetica font, which was not invented until 1957.

We love XKCD

What constitutes an actual goof or mistake? We’re going with mistake, because it’s a normal word used by normal people. We also considered “fucking cunt up”, as an old boss used to say, but we never liked him anyway.

When C-3PO and R2-D2 are in the control room of the Death Star, the storm troopers barge in, and one hits his head on the door.

That’s interesting, amusing and something to look out for when you’re watching Star Wars. All in all, a perfect thing to list. Even if you already knew it. Stop looking so smug.

In the opening sequence, we see that the Griswalds live at 8805 Skyline Drive, Chicago IL. There is no Skyline Drive in Chicago, IL. There is a Skyline Drive in Justice, IL (a very small southern suburb), but it does not run nearly long enough to have an 8800 block.

I mean. Really. Someone was actually bothered enough to think about this moment in 85 “comedy” “hit” European Vacation. The street doesn’t exist where they say it does, and there’s a similar street that’s smaller. Well fuck me. Is this really the route they want to go down? Similarly, the film centres around a man called Clark Griswold, and after checking the electoral register (the American version, obviously), it turns out that this “Clark” didn’t exist at all, and didn’t go on any vacation, to Europe or otherwise. Because it’s a work of bloody fiction. You massive, massive arsehole.

The Shawshank Redemption is listed as IMDB’s top-rated movie of all time. This doesn’t stop the nitpicks coming in thicker and faster than the Essex Grand Prix. It’s just churlish and rude to sit and point at where they’ve made the most minor of mistakes.

During the warden’s “Inside Out” speech, a CP-16R camera with new style magazine is visible. Additionally, a Pentax k1000 SLR still camera is visible, which was produced in 1975-1997.

This requires specialist knowledge of Pentax cameras; which may or may not even exist for all we know, but while the greatest film of all time is showing, some fella has nudged his wife and said, “that camera wasn’t bloody around then”. He’s rewound the tape, checked it out, dug out a catalogue, and then fired an e-mail off to IMDB, revelling in his mastery.

When Andy’s climbing out of the hole, just before he’s going into the sewer, you see him with his old shoes. But just before that he had put them in the warden’s shoebox and replaced them with the warden’s. However, at that point, Andy had been in prison for nearly 20 years and enjoyed special privileges. It’s possible he had an extra pair of prison issue shoes in his cell, and took the warden’s off before making his escape. This makes sense considering that when Andy entered the bank the next day, the shoes were still polished, and clearly had not been worn while wading through a sewage pipe.

Spoiler alert, in the previous paragraph. Really, a tremendous conversation as to whether something that may or may not be a mistake is or isn’t a mistake. Really. Someone had multiple thoughts about his shoes, and wrote them ALL down.

Obviously, you’re saying to yourself, “well.. stop reading the page if it winds you up that much. It’s a list of mistakes on the Internet, people being people, they’ll report any old shit to see their words up in e-lights.” And you’d be right, I don’t hold it against these people for having the free time to check whether Duck Crossing signs existed in 1963:

During their road trip on the bus, they pass a “DUCK XING” road sign. Those did not exist in 1963.
(One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)

It’s IMDB’s fault for printing such banal garbage and encouraging the never-ending stream of movie-botherers to continue sending their shit observations. On the bright side, every day that passes is a day closer to the day that someone invents a “punch people through the Internet” machine.

Q. FORMERLY KNOWN AS A COMLECH, WHAT NAME DERIVED FROM
THE CELTIC IS USED FOR A NEOLITHIC MONUMENT COMPRISED OF
TWO OR MORE LARGE UPRIGHT STONES, TOPPED BY A SINGLE
HORIZONTAL SLAB?

We’re not a completely stupid bunch here, despite all evidence that suggests otherwise. We have proper jobs and can read maps, work out the tip in a restaurant (£80 plus 0% tip = £80!) and other stuff. We even vaguely remember trigonometry.

TV quiz shows aren’t beyond our reach: We’ve screamed at the criminally dense on Wheel of Fortune, almost broken a TV over a terrible Weakest Linker and despaired at the numpties that struggle when faced with the Eggheads.

Perversely though, our favourite quiz show is the one that makes us feel the most stupid.

University Challenge.

The Corpse of Tony Christie

These kids are younger than us – far younger, in some cases – yet have a width and breadth of knowledge that is as scary as it is absolutely useless.

Like you, we were forced to study Shakespeare at school, and also like you, the extent of our extra-curricular activities has been limited to watching that weird Romeo and Juliet remake with Leo Di Caprio, before he got fat.

These kids though, they’re familiar with the most obscure characters from the most obscure plays. And for what reason? To try and, albeit briefly, impress Paxman with their pronunciation of an old Italian name.

And while this should all be so hateful; two rows of smug faces queuing up to buzz in and say “Die Entführung aus dem Serail” with a smile, it isn’t.

It’s bloody charming.

The show's sex symbol

Because yes, these are the nerds. They have speech impediments and greasy hair. Their clothes don’t quite work and they say their name awkwardly, like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard it and they’re reading it aloud, unsure of the pronunciation.

They’re harmless, spending their evenings reciting the winners of the Best Picture Oscar to each other, rather than getting wasted and putting their foot through a travel agent’s window. They don’t know about Pound a Pint night in the Student Union, and have never indulged in 25p shots of the nastiest vodka known to man in a grotty provincial nightclub.

We’ll answer a couple of questions correctly, but the nerds are relentless, marching on and on with their obscure knowledge. Racking up the points, arguing with Paxman over a technicality. All the things we wish we could do. Instead, we sit slackjawed, in awe as Carruthers, Edinburgh, jumps to attention and recites University Challenge in Morse Code.

University nerds, we salute you.

All pictures are courtesy of the worryingly comprehensive CNNObservationsDOTCOM. All of them can be clicked on to get the full-size wallpaper for your very own desktop. We don’t know why, either.

Anderson Cooper is... pensive

Campbell Brown is... desperate for you to think she's not boss eyed

Drew Griffin is... not as suave as he thinks

Candy Crowley is... afraid of you

Stan Grant is... uncomfortable

This is exactly what London 2012 will look like

“When stroke victim Robert Whatley, 70, was pulled over in his Range Rover, he expected a brief discussion with the officers.” That’s understandable. I mean, he was driving without a seatbelt, a quiet word and then he can get on with his day. But the policemen “jumped on to the bonnet and kicked his windscreen while another repeatedly attacked the window with a baton.”

This is a mental story! Absolutely fucking outrageous! How dare they do that to a frail old man?

“It [the tape] also apparently captures the officer hitting the side window 15 times before it smashes and shows a policeman climbing onto the bonnet before Mr Whatley is dragged out of his car.”

Poor old Whatters, the daft old sod probably just forgot to put his seatbelt on and made a mistake. This sort of reaction is disgusting.

A joke about a fat girl's arse

Just a quick overview of how sympathetic the Daily Mail is to this silver-top:

• Stroke victim
• Disabled driver
• Retired businessman
• The elderly man, who has a heart condition…

You get the picture. In his “£60,000 Range Rover”, he’s some sort of middle class hero. Sticking it to those bastard coppers. Why aren’t they fixing our drunken yobs, the ones fucking up Broken Britain? Nothing better to do than harass a middle-class, doddery old fella while he’s out for a drive. Disgraceful. I’ll be writing to my MP.

But first, I’ll read the rest of the article.

The elderly man, who has a heart condition, was initially pulled over for not wearing a seat belt as he drove through the country lanes of South Wales.

Officers tried to issue him with a fixed penalty notice but Mr Whatley drove off.

He probably didn’t realise they still wanted him. See:

‘I thought he had finished with me. I just drove off coolly and calmly and not off at speed.’

He said he thought that the blue lights and siren of the pursuing car meant the officer was giving him a police escort home.

A police escort. As they normally do after getting halfway through a bollocking. It’s fine.

Two Gwent police officers followed him along eight miles of country lanes for 17 minutes before trying to stop the £60,000 Range Rover with a stinger device.

But Mr Whatley pulled over again and waited for them to approach.

He was later charged with a series of motoring offences.

Awright babe

He was found guilty of not wearing a seatbelt, failing to stop for a police officer and having tinted car windows which did not conform to legal requirements but cleared of failing to stop after an accident. He also admitted having a registration plate which did not adhere to regulations.

Should the police have let him go? What the fuck do the Daily Mail want? At least there’ll be some sense in the comments, nobody will bleat on about “proper” criminals or ignore the fact that he ran away from the old bill.

Is it because these sub-human idiots are unable to catch real criminals that they pick on the frail and defenceless??

So says the top rated comment. And we all feel a little sadder inside.

Credit to the second top rated comment, which says “Why is it that traffic police attracts bullies and gun hoes.”

And bottom of the pile? Worst rated?

This man was running from the police so what did he expect?

Personally I cant see these police officers did any wrong

Obviously.

“Are you my daddy?” were the words a friend sleepily heard as he dozed at a one night stand’s house. He wasn’t, and he never saw the girl – or her curious and confused son – again.

The term MILF first came into popular usage through late 90s teen-comedy American Pie, and as you all know, stands for Mom I’d Like to Fuck. MILTF doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily. In the film, one of the teenage characters has a hot mother, which causes two guys to fall into a trance and chant “MILF” over and over.

It was the spark for a couple of songs where young guys pretended to want to screw old women: Busted’s “What I Go To School For” and Fountains Of Wayne’s “Stacy’s Mom” to name the only two we can remember.

My issue with the term MILF is that people are taking it too literally.

We are gonna call him WKD

Oh Britney you are so lovely and mental

Britney Spears isn’t a MILF. I mean, I’d happily take her home and disappoint her, but she’s young and hot and everything. Just because she’s popped a couple of babies out, that doesn’t change anything. Does it? Oh God, does it? She’s more of a Yummy Mummy, an expression that only exists because it rhymes. Nothing else gets called yummy.

How about Helen Mirren. Pretty foxy for her age, but she never bothered to pop out a baby. Is she less of a MILF than Britters?

So many questions, but here are, definitively, the MILF rules.

1. She must be old enough to be your mother
2. She must be at least 40
3. You must want to fuck her

Autism factory Wikipedia has a helpful list of the multitude of words for relationships that cross the generational boundary. Jesus, that sounds creepy. Almost all of them are, inevitably, bollocks. Nobody is saying “yeah, he’s such a manther.” (“A what? Is that short for Samantha?”)

Cake? You haven't given him any cake.

Pretty much if you’re going out with someone who’s not a similar age to you, it’s kind of creepy. Especially shit like this couple. What the hell did they talk about or even slightly have in common? Of course, the Anna Nicole material has been done to death (much like Anna Nicole herself), but the point stands: Don’t be creepy. Especially about MILFs.

The application

I saw this job advertised. The first draft also said something about delivering massages, but I hadn’t taken a screenshot. I took this screenshot in case they change it again. The typo in quickly amused me. I’m easily amused.

I applied for the job:

I can write quicky, but it causes probems with acuracy. Is tht ok?

I wasn’t expecting a reply. I got a reply:

No poblem!

If I were a copywriter in Sunderland, I’d definitely want to work at Sun FM. I’m not, so I don’t. Well done to their hiring manager for having a sense of humour. It’s more than I’ve got.

Despite living in the most technologically advanced era ever, and having access to more information and places than ever before, it’s still pretty much expected that Sundays will be spent bored shitless. Or worse, in a pub, where the people either side of you are talking to someone else and you sit and idly check Twitter on your phone, wishing you could be anywhere else in the world.

On those occasions, the only thing to really do is fiddle with yourself (and let’s not pretend that it’s an amusing euphemism for masturbation; get that out of your systems now.) Unfortunately, most fiddles hurt a little bit, but not really enough to put you off completely.

Here’s our top 5 ways of fiddling with yourself. And not wanking.

1) Pulling out a nose hair

The Queen, yesterday

But what are you going to do? Leave them there, hanging out of your nose-end, giving you the appearance of an old man? Yeah, right. A hair like that turning up is an invitation to pinch it and pull it out, no matter what the side effects.

2) Cutting off circulation to a finger

Bits of string turn up on occasion, usually retrieved from a sleeve that’s come apart, and you know you’re not supposed to pull on it because it’ll end up ripping the shirt, but then you pull it and OH GOD THERE’S SO MUCH STRING.

Once you have the string, you’ll probably end up fiddling with it for a bit, straightening it out, maybe tying a bunch of knots. The best bit is tightening it around your finger, wrapping it round and round until the end goes purple and you panic as you unwrap, just in case it falls off. Elastic bands can also be used, as they provide the extra thrill of being incredibly difficult to remove.

3) Holding your finger over a flame

Great fun. Everyone knows that if you move your hand through a flame quick enough, you won’t burn yourself. The fun is to do it slower and slower until you get a layer of fingersoot. Or dipping your finger into the wax and picking the ensuing crust off. Candles are all round brilliant for fiddling with, until the inevitable happens and you get hurt, or more likely, put the thing out and have to quietly clear the pub table of excess wax.

4) Biting / cutting nails too short

A genuine spot

The real enjoyment comes from trying to skim off every single bit of nail that can possibly be removed. Not through nervousness, but through a crippling need to be doing something, fidgeting in some way, 24 hours a day.

5) Picking spots (and your nose)

Amazing little sacs of pus that sit under your skin, somehow growing overnight to a wonderful head that you can squeeze. Massive amounts of fun can be had by picking, squeezing and squidging the things until little balls of yellowy white pus comes storming out – sometimes hitting the mirror with enough force to kill a small child.

Nose picking is, let’s face it, the king of body fiddles. What are bogeys? What do they want? Who drops them in your nose? Pulling them out and playing with them – and I bet some of you absent mindedly chew on them as well – is a joy like no other. They’re like your own little nose children that you don’t have to bother caring about, and throw on the floor afterwards.

I drive through town on the way to work, and there’s a lollipop lady that hovers by the pedestrian traffic lights. She wanders out into the middle of the road as though nobody knows what a red fucking light is for, and watches the kids and mums cross. Then she goes back and presses the stop-traffic button immediately. Over and bloody over.

STOP PRESSING IT. YOUR PRESENCE IS NOT WORTH IT. People on both sides, pedestrians and motorists can operate a set of traffic lights without you watching intently and making sure that no wee kiddies are run over. Also, stop pressing the button. You’re holding me and everyone else up, causing bottlenecks further down the road and ballsing traffic up for the people going to work and funding your pension.

That’s right, I’m annoyed at a pensioner that gets up early every morning and helps kids get to school safely for no money, cos she makes me late. Sorry for the self-indulgent rant, normal service will be resumed soon.