Train-ing Day

For some reason, actually for a specific reason, I spend a lot of time on trains. The reason being, of course, that things are far apart. The best bit about trains, apart from the crippling coldness and hilarious attitude to punctuality, is that it’s a great opportunity to watch other people and check out what they’re up to. Not in a creepy, stalkeresque way, although it’s definitely going to come across that way.

Here’s just three people that I met (and by ‘met’, I mean ‘stared at’) on a journey into London and back.

Exhibit 1, Cool Kid

Cool Kid is Cool. We can see lots of evidence for that, notably the can of lager in his hand. It’s a Tuesday night, he doesn’t need to wait until he gets home before he has a beer. Nah, he can pull a can out JUST LIKE THAT and chill out, relaxing all cool, with a beer. Just the way he rolls. Drinking in public at 6pm. He’s the MAN.

Do you like his trainers? Do you? They’re white, very white, and that’s because he’s just bought them, as he enjoyed telling his mate. In minute detail. LOOK HOW WHITE THEY ARE. They’re the sort of shoes the BNP would be proud of. Only £60, too. Because he’s pretending to be modest about his money, cos he earns billions of pounds and usually spend a million quid PER SHOE. Plus he’s still wearing his backpack, like a spastic.

Exhibit 2, Sergei

“Tonight, we march on London.” I love the hat. Literally, love it, want to take it home and put it up my bum because JUST LOOK AT IT. He’s all stern and everything, silently contemplating the sacrifices made by his comrades. How can a beard be serious? Who knows, but that is one seriously serious beard.

Exhibit 3, Sighing Business Guy

As everyone knows, the best way to look busy when you aren’t is to sigh a lot. Business Guy here (note the MI5esque way I took his photo), he was definitely busy doing his crossword, because he was sighing. A LOT. That must have been one tough crossword, like those cryptic Sunday Times ones that say things like “A St. Bernard on Wednesday, perhaps?” that don’t make any sense at all.

Despite looking like Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, he hasn’t let this hold him back, as he made a theatrical show to everyone else in the carriage about his fucking crossword. A delighted little noise when he got to scribble something down.

But all that work tired him out (insert a sad face here) and he fell asleep, or possibly passed out because it was SO FUCKING COLD. This photo was less stealthy, so I have no idea what I’d have said if he’d woken up (“Sorry, I was fascinated with your antics in that 80s comedy film, and subsequent crosswording.”)

He got off before me and left the newspaper behind. I stole it.

He was shit at it, and he wasn’t even doing the cryptic clues!