What is Soup? (Baby don’t hurt me, no more)

If 90s dance act “Haddaway” had really thought about their song “What is Love?” then they’d realise that it’s a fleeting emotion and stuff. What they should really have been bothered about is the far more pressing question: “What is Soup?”

Specifically, what is the act of consuming soup called? Do you eat it, or drink it?

There’s strong arguments for both sides, which have been debated at great lengths by myself and unwilling friends. On the one hand, you can consume soup through a straw, therefore it is a drink. But, it could be argued, given a large enough straw and powerful enough suction device, even steak could be consumed through a straw. Probably. And thick milkshake is a drink, and that’s a pain in the balls to drink.

Soup is a meal, albeit a shit one, which by definition makes it a food. Especially if it’s got bits in it, for example, chicken. Clearly the chicken will be eaten, but just the act of placing food into a drink doesn’t render the drink a food. You can’t throw a Pepperami into a can of Irn Bru and claim the Irn Bru is now food.

In addition, the issue of the vessel of consumption has also been raised. If you have soup in a bowl, it’s a food – soup in a cup is a drink. This must be rejected as silly, as clearly Coke can be consumed, inconveniently, from a plate, and that doesn’t change what it is.

As you can tell, this has been occupying WAY too much of my time, so I e-mailled off to the professionals, to find out what they had to say.

Good Afternoon

Thank you for your email.

I’m happy to confirm that you are both technically correct:

A chunky soup is EATEN
A thinner broth type soup is DRUNK

Hope this helps to resolve your dispute.

Kind Regards

Debbie Bonnington
Customer Relations
New Covent Garden Food Company

Debbie has fallen into the trap of claiming that the content of the soup can change the nature of the soup itself. REJECTED.

There is no set way to consumer our soup, some people prefer to drink it from a mug and some to eat it from a dish.

Heinz called me “Ms”, which is a disappointment after years of being blokey. But does explain the tits. They also tell us nothing, only that people enjoy soup in different ways. The consumption vessel argument has also been REJECTED.

This is an important question indeed, well raised.

In a fully conclusive survey of one person (me), we can categorically say that, well, we don’t know.

In fact, the mere act of trying to work out which it is has exhausted us.

I wish I could be of more help, but I think I need to lie down.

Good luck on your quest – please, if you find out the answer, do let me know.

All the best,

Joe

Joe from Innocent is my fucking hero, and tells us what we wanted to hear: Even the professionals don’t know. They don’t know what they’re making. This should shock you to the core, at least for 0.00001 of a second. Did you feel that? Was it like a sneeze only better?

Next week: What is yoghurt? And are soggy cornflakes technically a drink?

Does anyone actually know what soup is?

I don’t even like soup that much.

NOTE – The wonderful Hayley has pointed out that it should really be “What is Soup? (Baby don’t slurp me, no more)”. I’m not changing it though, as that’d be an admission that she’s funnier than me.