Footballers, eh. They can’t do anything without the tabloids rushing to write as many words as possible and create the worst puns. Wayne Rooney is particularly lucky, as “Roo” rhymes with “You”, and “Roo Beauty” works in just about any situation. Like if you’ve had sex with an aged prostitute. Other sports only exist...
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Archive for August, 2009
Ashes to Ashes
TV Review: Young, Dumb And Living Off Mum
“Who is your daddy, and what does he do?” asked Arnold Schwarznegger in improbable 90s action film Kindergarten Cop. If the bumstains on Young, Dumb and Living off Mum were to answer, they’d say “daddy is the best, he does what I tell him”, and then run off to cry because their new Porsche...
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…and a Happy New Year
It’s August, and with the first signs of darkness getting earlier, along comes the first mentions of the C word. Not ‘cunt’, ‘cancer’ or ‘Clarkson’, but the other pain in the arse: Christmas. Even though we’re already living in the future, those utter bastards in marketing departments across the country are desperate for you...
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Ding Dong the Queen is Dead (not yet, but inevitably)
Prince Charles may be a jug eared old cunt, but he hasn’t always got the best time of it. While he inexplicably traded in his hot wife for Rod Hull, it’s his day job that should really earn your sympathy. His job is, basically, waiting for his mum to die. Just sitting around being...
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Freecycling – Recycling for Winners
Despite the rubbish pun in the name, Freecycling is brilliant. Since we’ve all got crap in our house, things we’ve bought and looking back must have been absolutely high to have even considered purchasing. In a cupboard somewhere, I have a Lego robot that I purchased as a fully grown adult, because you can...
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For One Night Only
Here are some stories of those dirty short-term friendships that happen to the young, foolish and plastered. All of them came via Twitter people. Feel free to speculate. “Take off your pants – oh, you have.” In a corridor with a man so hairy it was like he was wearing a jumper. Made me...
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Come on my Facebook
Facebook has added this whole new level of awkwardness in friendships and relationships. Kids everywhere are jumping out of windows over the fear of whether to set their relationship status as “single” or “it’s complicated”. The trouble with Facebook is that everything is so up-front: You’re in a relationship, or you’re not. You’re tagged...
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