Guest Post: How To Pick Up Chicks

This is a guest blog clearly not written by me, entirely for your benefit. Aren’t you lucky.

Hi! I’m Leviathan Jones, guest blogging to tell you the best ways to pick up chicks. After I earned my first million, I found it so easy to talk to ladies that I thought – hey, I pity all those ugly dudes in the nightclubs, drunkenly fumbling for a way to get the courage to talk to some minger. When I roll in, the whole room stops to look at me, and the women are basically pushing each other out of the way in a fight to suck me off.

Exclusively for you, here’s the top 5 things you can do to make women want you when you’re rolling into a club with your crew.

1) Clothes

You want to get your bell end dipped, then you have to be wearing the coolest shit. None of your cheap shirts or anything, only the best. Women notice, and a well placed Ralph Lauren logo is guaranteed to get them wetter than a bedroom in the Titanic. Since I spend most of my time at invitation only parties, especially down at G’s, those girls already know I’m at the top of the money tree, you just have to let them know that even in the exclusive parties, I’m way richer than most of those dudes. So yeah, expensive clothes. You’ll look great.

2) Attitude

Those women should be privileged that you’re even considering letting them near your majestic manhood. Remember that, and you’re set. I remember the first time I let a lingerie model go down on me, I stopped her half-way through and sent her home. Not because she was rubbish (a bit too tooth-happy, 7/10) but because I knew she’d tell her friends and they’d all be desperate to show me an even better time. And you know what, it worked. Now I always get models desperate to prove they’re even better. Treat those bitches mean, you’ve got nothing to prove.

3) Keeping the right company

When you roll in, you have to make an entrance. You want everyone to be looking at you, and not laughing because you’re with someone ugly – or worse, fat. I once beat the crap out of a good friend because he persisted in bringing his chubby girlfriend with him to our exclusive parties, and totally lowering the tone of the place. Way out of line, dude. Needless to say, I don’t bother with him any more. Shouldn’t have to stand for that.

Here’s the sneaky pro-tip for you: I invite more people than I plan on going out with, and when they’re drinking pre-party spritzers at my beach-view mansion, I let the top 5 know they’re allowed to come along with me to whichever exclusive party I’m invited to. The rest can stay and have my staff provide them with drinks, while I show that I only accept the best of the best at my table.

4) Conversation

Hey, you’re the best. That’s the way I see it, anyway, so when it comes to bitches, the best topic of conversation is me. They love to sit there looking all hot, waiting for the next insightful, hilarious comment to come out of my mouth. I tell them how they can improve themselves, and make the world a better place for everyone. They just love it when I point out a fat thigh or a flat chest, and while I’d normally never lower my impeccable standards, I might just for them.

5) Money

Obviously, all women can be bought, so all you have to do is splash a bit of dollar around. That’s easy for me, I love it when they see me tipping the doorman a fifty when he parks whichever car I take – usually the Porsche, but the Lambo goes better with the gold suit. Keep the cash on show all the time, light cigars with fifties – or even better, write yourself a cheque for like a million and use that to spark up. Awesome.

In no time you’ll have them queueing up to do disgusting things. Sometimes, two, three at once. I’m too good to you.

So, er, there you have it guys. I hope that was useful and not just incredibly offensive. If you really want, you can e-mail leviathanjones@shoutingatco.ws