Dear Auntie Internet… #2

Are you still complaining? Really? You’ve really got something wrong with you? Oh, bloody hell, go on then. Let’s hear it.

I went to have my tarot cards read the other day, and the reader told me my relationship was due to go through a troubled time, which it might not recover from. I’m happily married but I’m scared something is going to go wrong soon. I wish I’d never had it done now as I can’t relax.

Robyn: Now this is serious. Did the tarot reader say that you may travel over water in the future and that you might actually be quite psychic yourself? I’m afraid to break it to you that someone has CURSED you. With gullibility. The only solution is to repeat the chant ‘Iko iko an nay, Jockomo feena ah na nay’ into a mirror at midnight, sleep with a curl of your pubic hair under your pillow, and email me your bank details. Go on, do it now! Before the curse makes you EVEN MORE GULLIBLE.

Matthew: How much did you pay the gypsy who carried out the tarot reading? If it was more than £15 then you should be ok, the smelly peasant is just trying to scare you so you pay more for a love potion. Although anything under £15 may result in your husband tragically leaving you. Either through death or for your mother. A tough pill to swallow, but you should never fuck with gypsies.

Stuart: Relax. Tarot cards are figurative, and any number of meanings can be read into them. The reader’s assumption that your relationship is due to go through a troubled time was nothing more than their subjective interpretation of a random selection of cards. Now, on the other hand, if the sacred oracle commands your Kau Cim sticks to reveal something similar, then you’re fucked. You hear me? FUCKED.

I’m a nurse and I’ve recently been promoted. I’ve worked really hard and I deserved it. But my boyfriend clearly doesn’t agree. He makes fun of my job in front of our friends and asks me if I enjoy ‘wiping people’s bums’. Why is he like this? Is he bitter that I’m doing so much better than him?

Robyn: No, he wants you to bum him with a latex-gloved finger. Isn’t it obvious? Pah, and you call yourself a DOCTOR.

Matthew: I imagine your boyfriend is a high flying stock broker and receives a salary that would take you ten years to earn. Of course he’ll see you as inferior person. Think about it, he had to study at hard at university and sleep with a few people he’d rather forget to get his job. All so he can buy you a bloody pony and keep you happy. He is a success and everyone loves him.

You on the other hand, well what can we say? You wipe people’s arses for a living. What qualifications do you need to do that? You’ll have had years of experience cleaning your own. It isn’t a special skill that takes years of perfecting, like flying an aeroplane or becoming a lawyer. For all he knows, you could simply strap on a nappy to the elderly folk you supposedly care for. Making you a cheat and unworthy of having a promotion.

It isn’t wrong for your partner to mock you. You should be public ally shamed for doing such a job and be forced to wear a sign saying “I wipe people’s arses for a living because I am a social reject incapable of carrying out a basic task.”

iamhewhoisiam: Listen, I know a couple of blokes who work part-time for my Uncle. Their official title is ‘Financial Recuperation Agents’ but they have been known to do other jobs on the side at his request. Basically, for an undisclosed fee, these gentlemen will pay your boyfriend a visit and break his arms. Nothing too serious, just a plaster cast job.

Then let’s see how funny he thinks it is to have someone wipe his arse for him.

Stuart: Leave your boyfriend. He doesn’t understand you, as his factually incorrect statement helpfully proves. Promoted nurses don’t have to wipe people’s bums any more – from now on your life is going to be a never-ending fairytale of mopping up septic penis wounds and scowling at people who come to visit sick relatives as if their mere presence is the worst kind of personal insult available to them. In fact, no, don’t dump your boyfriend – if you’re a nurse then statistically you’re likely to weigh 20 stone and have a face like a bulldog licking piss of a stinging nettle. Use these physical traits to intimidate him instead.

The wrongs of the world have been fixed up by

Robyn Wilder has a blog too! There’s a cunning anagram of her name! Look: orbyn.blogspot.com.

Stuart Heritage owns a tiny condom and told Hecklerspray.com

Matthew Laidlow is great, but still can’t set up a blog.

iamhewhoisiam is an absolute scunt

YOU! YES YOU!

Do you have a problem you’d like fixing by the power of the internet? E-mail us! sortmyfuckinglifeout@shoutingatco.ws!