Dear Auntie Internet… #1
Do you have problems? Of course you do. But what should you do about them? The obvious advice is to ignore them and keep drinking until you can’t remember your name, let alone whatever was making you miserable. Some people genuinely believe that old saying about a problem shared being a problem halved, when actually a problem shared is a boring story.
We’ve picked out some lucky readers to have their problems fixed by the cream of agony auntery. By which we mean some people with Twitter accounts and a bit of spare time.
My partner used to get violent with me, and now he’s in jail for beating up an ex. But he has written to say he’s dumping me as he no longer trusts me. How could he do this? He promised me another chance.
Robyn Wilder: My god, what’s the matter with you? How ultimately unlovable must you be if such a man – a man whose only requisite in a partner is their inherent punchability – has rejected you?
What could you have DONE? Perhaps he didn’t like the way you arranged his full English breakfast into a smiley face on his plate. Or he got annoyed when you asked why that funny spinny-legged cross was tattooed on his arm.
Either way I should put it behind you now and find someone worthy of you and your anthropomorphic cuisine. I hear there are lots of nice American men on death row looking for pen-wives, and their attentions are faithful (if short-lived). And if you miss the old hitting you can always give your fingers a nice iron.
iamhewhoisiam: It’s time to move on. Your ex has clearly found the joys of big house buggery so it is in no way a judgement on your character. I would recommend a change in jobs would help your issues no end. Consider employment as a Traffic Warden, Fast Food Restaurant Mascot, Big Brother Contestant, Disney Store Greeter or Radio 1 Presenter and you will soon find you have an abundance of people wanting to be violent towards you.
Stuart Heritage: You have my sympathies. Tracking down Mr Right can be downright impossible these days. You can spend years searching for a man who’ll tick all of your boxes – tall, solvent, a compulsive propensity to smash 15 different shades of shit out of any woman he finds himself romantically entangled with, kind eyes – and he ends up having trust issues. My advice would be to dump this man before his jealousy tears you apart. True, you might not find another fella as magical as this one, but don’t give up hope – who knows, your next boyfriend might enjoy pushing you down the stairs when he gets drunk. Fingers crossed!!!
I split with my husband four years ago, and recently, a friend persuaded me to join an Internet dating site. Four months on and I haven’t had a single reply. I never thought I’d find a man this way but to not have heard anything has knocked my confidence.
Robyn: That’s not an Internet dating site, Grandma, that’s Hotmail. Perhaps you should try *sending* some emails first, *then* waiting for replies.
Matthew Laidlow: You said you split with your husband four years ago, are you not in denial? Are you sure it’s not the other way round? Did he not realise one day that after four years of rubbish sex and looking at your triple chins he wanted out? Any man with a working penis would have done the same thing, it’s a shame you’re just realising this now.
Amazingly, there are men out there who get turned on by the larger lady. Not my boyfriend though, he loves my perfect figure. Simply take some shots of yourself naked and slap them up on the Internet. The more curious guys out there will be up for subscribing to your website for a monthly fee. Why not cash in? There is a recession after all and chocolate isn’t cheap for you fatties.
Stuart: You haven’t been able to find love? On the Internet? Not even on the Internet? Christ, how ugly ARE you? This is the Internet we’re talking about – even John Merrick would be able to get a date on the Internet with a five-year-old photo and a few embellishments about his athletic accomplishments. And you’re a WOMAN! You’re supposed to be the picky gender! You’re the gender that’s supposed to sign up to an Internet dating site not because you’re looking for love, but because you hate men and you just want to sneer at all the balding, wet-mouthed Dereks who reply to you for having ideas above their station. And you can’t even do that bit properly, can you? What’s my advice? Dunno, a zoo?
iamhewhoisiam: You have 0 replies to this letter.
My 18-year-old son has been smoking marijuana for a year and his behaviour has become really erratic. I even found scribbled notes of nonsense in his jeans the other day. I’ve heard drugs can affect your mind. Is this what’s happening? I’m so scared.
Robyn: Obviously by ‘scribbled notes of nonsense’ you mean ‘faeces’ and by ‘mind’ you mean ‘small intestine’, you’re just too polite to say. Well, the answer sadly is ‘yes’ and the solution is rubber sheeting and a diet filled with bowel-cloggers like pizza and cheese straws.
Incidentally, I am impressed that you’re so right-on that you know your son has been toking for a year. Perhaps you should hold a surprise ‘HAPPY BONGDAY’ party for him, and invite your parents and all their friends. He’d like that. Well, either he’d like it or it would scare him straight, thus solving all your problems.
iamhewhoisiam: Paranoia, anxiety and mild dyslexia are all proven symptoms of marijuana abuse. It sounds to me like you have been abusing this substance for a lot longer than a year and are simply transferring your delusions on to your son. Put the hash-pipe down, Cheech.
Part two will appear very soon!
The aunts causing agony today have been…
Robyn Wilder writes and edits at www.dollymix.tv, www.domesticsluttery.com and her personal blog of wonderful, orbyn.blogspot.com.
Stuart Heritage spends his days bothering celebrities at the fantastic Hecklerspray.com
Matthew Laidlow is, like Rocky, a bum. Pester him about getting a website on Twitter.
iamhewhoisiam doesn’t have a real name, but does have a real website at www.scunt.co.uk