Rubbish Talents #2: Ventriloquists

Once you get past the age of two, there are few occasions where it’s difficult to talk. In a brain-meltingly loud nightclub, after undergoing throat surgery or being mauled by a Rottweiler are three obvious times, in increasing order of preference.

Standing in front of people and talking to them is easy but unimpressive. It’s more interesting if they can tell jokes or be otherwise witty, but for everyone else, it’s a challenge to be interesting. Imagine someone incredibly dull standing up and trying to entertain you. And failing.

As with every rubbish talent, talking needs to be spiced up a bit. Like how juggling is just throwing and catching, but spicing it up by juggling chainsaws or fire adds that necessary threat of instant death to proceedings. Talking with fire doesn’t really have the same edge to it, so the next best thing is to not move your lips. And add a puppet.

Ventriloquism is bizarre – intentionally handicapping yourself so that it looks like a puppet is talking to you. And the worst thing about it is that nobody is any good at it. You need to move your lips to talk properly, so by not doing it, they’re left with half the alphabet missing. No “P”, “B” or “D”, all coming out as slightly strained “G”s. Congratualtions, it’s a creepy talent that nobody can do. Made even creepier by the pretend child sat on your lap.

The dummy is a strange, if understandable, addition, ranging from cute and cuddly to nightmare-inducingly freaky, and sits lifelessly staring into your soul. Is that something we should encourage? Really?

What next? Going for a wee while tucking your bits behind you? Brushing your teeth with one eye closed? Eating crisps while spinning really fast in a circle? NEXT!