I predict something is going to happen to someone

Here’s a bold prediction: Something is going to happen. Want more specific? How about: You will be hit by a car. That seems mildly threatening, so let’s go a bit nicer: You will find money in an old coat pocket. Let’s cover a few more eventualities, and dress it up in a bit of intrigue: Fortune appears unexpectedly from your past.

Now to cope with the inconvenient part, which is that it might not actually happen. Printing it in something popular like a newspaper or a magazine will mean it’s going to be lining the cages of pets up and down the country, but before that, may well be read by up to a million people.

A million people? Brilliant! That means that even if I come up with something wacky, something with a one in a million chance of coming true, then it’ll probably happen to at least someone. They’ll be delighted and astounded that I predicted their future and I’ll end up rich, somehow.

Except I can’t just come out with a vague prediction and hope that they all read it, it needs to be dressed up in bullshit, intrigue and mystique. By pretending that it’s related to when you were born. Not the day or anything, just some arbitrary dates within the month. Applicable to a twelfth of the world’s population. Almost 7 billion people.

My horoscope for today:

Your subconscious mind is working overtime today, but that’s not such a bad thing. If you feel worn out for no good reason, you just need a time-out to process all the weird ideas bubbling up from down deep.

astrology.com

You may find yourself moving against the normal or average flow of events just now. Everything will work in your favor if you take on the position of observer. In other words, watch and observe the events of today and make this be a learning day. One can learn quite a lot by observing the activities and surroundings.

dailyhoroscopes.com

News regarding a relative’s affairs isn’t unexpected but is nevertheless not what you wanted to hear. Now fast thinking is required. Thanks to your personal network it might not be necessary to pay over the odds for advice. There’s also the question of where valuable family items should be stored – and their associated insurance.

horoscopes.co.uk

Three different horoscopes all saying completely different things. So even better than one vague guess, you get to make loads and loads of them, and hope that just a little bit of one comes true for one person.

And that’s what I love about astrology. Not only is it bollocks, but it’s unashamed bollocks. They’re not even trying to convince you that it’s true. Jonathan Cainer, who writes for the Daily Mail says:

Is there any scientific rationale to astrology?
Paul Arthurs, London
Some say there is a scientific rationale and some say there isn’t. I say who cares? It works. What else matters?

I’ll leave it to Charlie Brooker’s inimitable retort:

I mean, what is science anyway? Only a rigorously-tested, peer-reviewed, continually evolving system of knowledge about the way our world works, built up over centuries – that’s all.

Actually, the whole interview is brilliant. You know on Jeremy Kyle or in murder trials when all the evidence points towards one obvious conclusion, but they have a crap, unlikely reply to everything? That’s what he’s like. Sensible questions that just get badly batted away LIKE THE ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM. Yeah, I went there. He might as well not have done the interview, the £200 or whatever he got can hardly have been worth essentially admitting he’s a fucking liar.

It’s obviously made up and I have just one question: How can the stars say “weird ideas” to someone, like astrology.com reckon? It can’t, someone made it up.