Rubbish Talents #1: Impressionists

As Britain’s Got Talent testified, “talent” can be pretty diverse, and doesn’t just encompass “good things” like singing, dancing and turning somersaults. Terrifying and bullying a dog into standing on two legs and ballroom dancing doesn’t take talent, it takes a sadistic streak. Plate spinning too is spectacularly pointless.

I’m not trying to piss on the dreams of people who do these things, well, I am a little bit, but since my discernable talents are, in order of impressiveness: 1) being able to fit my entire fist into my mouth 2) being rude and sarcastic about stuff over the internet and 3) juggling three balls, I’ve not really got a leg to stand on.

The only time I have a problem with rubbish talents is when a big deal is made out of them – like Uri Gellar pretending to bend a spoon and being a bit odd for the last 20 years. The absolute shittest talent to have loads of series has to be impressionism.

Not the 19th century French painting movement, but sounding a bit like a celebrity. I don’t understand why that’s entertaining. We know what Gary Linekar sounds like. I can imagine it’d be funny if he came out on Match of the Day and said “tonight we’ve got highlights of Manchester United away at Chelsea, but first let me remind you that I’m a massive jug-eared twat” and then did a little dance. But it’s just not funny when Jon Culshaw does it.

Whenever one of them – McGowan, Culshaw, Bremner – go on any sort of talk or panel show, they can’t just be themselves and talk properly. The stock answer seems to be “well, if you asked Tony Blair that, then he might say… ” and launch into a barely related answer employing Tony’s hilarious mannerisms and speech. Over and over and sodding over.

Whenever I don’t like something popular, I assume that I’m wrong because lots of people must be right, and then I remember that people are idiots, so everything is okay.

In this case, it’s just someone standing there saying “wouldn’t it be funny if Russell Brand said…” and then doing it. I’m sure it’s quite difficult to do, which is why not many people do it, but reciting the first 5,000 digits of Pi is quite hard and just as entertaining.

And Alistair McGowan has a weird pointy face.