Kissed off with saying Hello

Meeting a male friend is easy. Quick handshake, a “how’s it going?” and we’re set, regardless of whether we’ve known each other all our lives, or met once on a hazy night out.

Nice simple, straightforward rules.

With women, it used to be quite simple – just an awkward wave hello and a smile. Again, only an idiot could get that wrong.

And now, all of a sudden, the rules have changed and this bloody kissing on the cheek thing has shown up.

Nobody ever explained the rules of the kiss hello to me, it’s just started happening out of nowhere. And I can’t cope.

There’s so many questions brought up, before we even find out who imported this awful bloody custom into this country, hunting them down and kissing them on both cheeks. With a shotgun.

The first issue is the lean. Meet a kisser and they’ll lean in towards you, their face getting bigger and closer like a juggernaut with lipstick. Which way do you lean for the kiss? You must have seen two strangers in the street doing that dance where they dodge side to side trying to avoid each other but inadvertently go the same way? What if you do that during the lean? They’re moving towards you, and you accidentally headbutt them. No kiss, but a broken nose. (The lovely alexsheppard tells me always lean left. Phew.)

After successfully negotiating the lean, it’s the actual kiss. Are you supposed to kiss on the cheek, or just an air-kiss nearby? How nearby? Are there different rules depending on how well you know the person? Can you get it wrong? It’s a bit weird actually kissing someone’s face if you don’t know them that well. And is it always male kissing female? Can’t imagine that kissing a beard is all that much fun (based purely on a relationship with a girl who kept it natural downstairs) and it’s just uncomfortable for everyone.

Then there’s the optional second kiss, the double whammy effort, where both cheeks are kissed. This is a whole new world of awkward, as even though you no longer have to negotiate the original headbutt problem, there’s a tangle of hair and shifting round to contend with. Does the kisser then become the kissee? Is kissee a word? What if one of you is only expecting a singe kiss, while the other wants two. Or worse: Three. Where does the madness end? It’s like the way razors end up with more and more blades. Some people won’t be satisfied until it’s seventeen kisses in a row.

It should end here, with everyone agreeing never to kiss like that again and the world being a happier place. There needs to be a new standard greeting, a playful hair ruffle, a boob grab or a smile and a nod. That’s all we need.

I’m keeping my hands in my pockets and smiling from now on. For everyone. Even if they offer me a hand to shake.

Thanks to the lovely folk I follow on Twitter slightly for offering encouragement, but mostly making my paranoia about doing it wrong worse