The Apprentice Episode 0: The Profiles
The BBC’s annual business-dick-a-thon is back, and with it a new army of gurning, money crazed muppets ready to do Business.
To prepare you for the abject horror that you’ll get from seeing these people smarming their way across your screen, the BBC have printed up a dick-by-dick guide. Try to spot who will be eliminated in week three and you’ll have no recollection of, which one will endear themselves to the Daily Mail by being just middle-class enough, and who refuses to be fired, confusing Sir Alan by telling him that he is fired.
Anita Shah
Hilariously, her personal quote reads like an excerpt from a children’s book, and she has the audacity to call herself articulate. It’s an annoying staccato style, that might as well say “I am Anita. Anita likes money. Money is good. Money makes Anita happy.”
She aspires to run a company specialising in spiritual therapy, making her instantly the type to annoy everyone with scented candles and bullshit.
Dick rating: 6/10
Ben Clarke
Sporting something under his chin which may be a Tony Almeida inspired beard, or may be a shadow, Ben has the sort of face you would never tire of beating, a smug peering style as though he’s imitating Sir Alan’s trusty spy Nick Hewer.
His personal quote warns that he likes making money more than sex – lucky really, given his face.
Dick rating: 8/10
Debra Barr
Impossibly only 24 years old, Debra calls herself “outspoken”, which must be an automatic pass through the early audition rounds. She would rather ask forgiveness than permission, a style that will certainly please Sir Alan.
Dick rating: 4/10
Howard Ebison
Go on, you hate him from his name, don’t you? Howie looks like a melted Ant from Ant and Dec, while also channelling Edd the Duck. Has already set himself up for a fall by acknowledging that he might not succeed and that he has other options anyway. “Fuck you, Alan. That’s right, Alan. None of this Sir crap for me. I’m going to go back out there and carry on being the best area manager of a pub chain there’s ever been. How do you like THAT?”
Dick rating: 7/10
James McQuillian
As a former bouncer, it’d probably be easy to write off Jamie as a thick, belligerent bully. So we will.
Perfect for the Apprentice.
Dick rating: 6/10
Kate Walsh
Token above-average attractiveness girl, who will have to suffer the indignity of turning down the opportunity to get naked for Nuts magazine once she’s fired. Her celebrity business role-model is Samantha from Sex and the City, a figure I think we can all aspire to match.
Dick rating: 2/10
Kimberly Davis
Not Annalise from Neighbours, but a New Yoiker – from the Bronx no less. Claims not to lie, cheat or backstab, which instantly makes her a million times more likable than anyone else. Has also danced for Disney, surely prompting: “this ain’t no Mickey Mouse operation. You’re fired”
Dick rating: 0/10
Lorraine Tighe
Describes herself as the top sales person in every company she has ever worked for, so definitely one to endear herself to her colleagues. A single mum that left school at 16, so may get by depending on whether Alan is for or against sob stories this time out. Has two children, who’ll definitely be proud of her, win or lose. Especially when she gets into her first petulant argument over who was responsible for checking the size of the order.
Dick rating: 5/10
Majid Nagra
Maj has a beard that somehow manages to be groomed within an inch of its life while maintaining an unkempt homeless twinge. Another one who calls himself “talkative” – a euphemism for “self-centred un-aware gobshite”, he uses his personal quote to give us a brief lecture on the economy. Thanks. For. That.
Dick rating: 4/10
Mona Lewis
Mona Lewis, who sounds like a painting, says she “would love to have been the brains behind Tesco”. Well, yeah, er, who wouldn’t want to have come up with the most successful supermarket chain this country has seen? In other news, she would love to have come up with the iPod, fire and the wheel.
Dick rating: 5/10
Noorul Choudhury
Key line: “He believes that business is a cut throat, dog-eat-dog game that you must play to win.”
Noorul is going to be a walking cliche, then. “At the end of the day, right, here’s some blue sky thinking. To be the best, you’ve got to beat the best, and basically we need more synergy. A radical logic-based thinker, with a team-based focused culture. Digital relational scenarios require strategic enterprise solutions.”
Sir Alan: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re fired.”
Dick rating: 6/10
Paula Jones
Good to see her putting the Bill Clinton scandal behind her, but her aimless honesty (a scatter brain that doesn’t like conflict) mean that the team will have killed and eaten her by week 4. Also appears to be chanelling Crazy Jo from a couple of years back.
Dick rating: 1/10
Phillip Taylor
Phillip “The Power” Taylor describes himself as charming, which you can’t really do unless you’re some cock-sure confidence freak. Oh, right. Does believe you should make friends, which is a welcome change from most of the others who would sell their own mother to have an extra floor put on their golden tower.
He says: “Business is the new rock ’n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”. No it isn’t and no you’re not.
Dick rating: 5/10
Rocky Andrews
Sure to annoy Alan with his combination of youth, ridiculous name and that he already earns more than the Apprentice winner’s salary, Rocky appears 21 going on 50. For some reason, his profile decides not to brag, boast or bang on about his achievements and just how bloody great he is – and it seems like he is. He just wants to get on with it and do well. The sod.
Dick rating: 1/10
Yasmina Siadatan
Has a weird stare, almost like a potato made out of glass. Says she’s “dominating, yet adaptable”. Phwoar, right, eh lads? Oh not.
Personal quote: “Business is about a simple formula. Make more than you spend.”
Except it’s not, is it Yas? Can I call you Yas? Because if it was that simple then our high-streets would all be full of Woolies and Dixons. It isn’t, so they’re not.
Sir Alan: “I’ve got a simple formula for you: You’re fired”
Dick rating: 6/10