That’s right, gluttons for punishment, The Apprentice is back and with an even more reprehensible bunch of social miscreants than before. Because the BBC hates us, they aired the first two episodes on consecutive nights hoping we’d be knocked out and brainwashed by all the BLADDY BIZNISS.
So what about the bizniss? Well because, like hip hop, it never stops, this year’s candidates for an unfair dismissal tribunal are gathered at midnight to meet Lord Sugartits. He bounds in spouting how he bladdy hates clichés because “actions speak louder than words”. Oh…
Anyway, we’re off on a classic all day selling task. Dawn till bladdy dusk like proper traders. Lord Sugartits has laid on two containers that fell off the back off the docks (all totally legit, guv) full of tat to be flogged to people who only agree to take the crap because they want to be on TV.
But what about teams and more importantly, team names? Well the boys have Jason as their team leader. He’s a… well I’m not sure what he is except he seems to think he lives in an Evelyn Waugh novel. They decide on Endeavour for their team name because literally everyone has had that as a team name. The girls have no option but to have Jaz as their team leader because she’s got a bit of a patronising gob on her. They go for Evolve as a team name because dullness. Why won’t anyone suggest Ass Kicking Ninja Tigers? Amateurs. They only want this 100%.
So what do they have to sell? Loo roll, plastic lucky cats, water and hi-vis vests. Diverse. The girls decide to head to a 24 hour pub to try and flog the water. They manage to sell a couple of cases for the grand total of £15. Oh. That’s… cheap. Meanwhile, Nick is squinting so much I worry the production team are shining a bright light into his eyes at all times and I keep being distracted by the ratty horror of Luisa’s hair extensions.
The boys meanwhile are spending a lot of time shouting at each other in order to assert alpha male status. Jason looks like he might cry. Karrrrren looks like she failed an audition for Dynasty.
I’ve drunk a lot of wine by this point and so my notes descend thusly:
“Dr Leah sounds like Nadine from Girls Aloud. She’s looking for people strong in seals. I don’t understand this. Seals? Also she takes offence at being presumed not good at sales because she’s a doctor. BUT SHE’S A DOCTOR!??!”?”
“Why are you going to Chinatown to sell Chinese tat made in China? WHAT IS THIS? WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY PEKING DUCK?”
Anyway, the boys won a tedious thing by £58 and get to go and hang out in this year’s house which is in Holborn. Lord Sugartits seems to think lawyers live in Holborn but they don’t, they just work there. Anyway, the boys are impressed by such modern conveniences as staircases and windows.
Jaz brings Sophie who sold nothing and Usma who sold nothing back into the boardroom with her. Lord Sugartits saves Usma because she did “logistics” which meant she read the Yellow Pages in the back of the car and saves Sophie because reasons. He fires Jaz because she’s annoying and wanted to be project manager first. Which is spurious but forgivable because I would’ve damaged my TV if I had to listen to her anymore.
What about the next episode? Well this was about making beer. Please insert appropriate piss up in a brewery jokes here. I like beer. I work in a real ale pub. I know what I’m talking about. People on The Apprentice? Not so much. In fact, not at all.
In a team switcheroo, Tim gets sent to the girls’ team because… I don’t know. They’re being very spurious with their decisions so far.
So, the boys decide that they need to make a manly beer for men because men drink beer. Jordan, who’s a hipster twat, wants a “wacky flavour” like nettles. “Ooh will it sting my mouth?” is apparently what he wants people to think before he drinks a beer. Just cock off will you? The guys decide that chocolate and orange is a good flavour to go for. In fairness, that’s not too bad. Except the ones doing the packaging decide that it should be an amber ale instead of a stout or porter. The ones making the beer (including at least 3 who DON’T DRINK) have quite correctly discovered that a stout or porter would hold those flavours better but are overruled.
Meanwhile, the girls are busy whining that they only drink white wine spritzers and don’t like beer so they decide rhubarb and caramel would be a good idea. I give up. They then get all their maths wrong and waste loads of beer. I cannot with this.
The boys decide to go to sell to pubs without a sample. WITHOUT A SAMPLE. But it gets better. Are you ready? They suggest sniffing the bottle instead. SNIFFING THE EMPTY BOTTLE. They also don’t have any pump clips and seem confused that these might be a thing.
The girls have pump clips and samples but decide to go to a teeny tiny pub beer festival and then to a wine bar – A WINE BAR – to sell their beer. There is not enough beer in the world that can salve my outrage at the moment.I know because I have drunk it all.
Anyway, the boys win again because chocolate orange is better than rhubarb caramel when it comes to beer. They get sent to Belgium to have good beer wasted on them. And poor Nice But Tim gets fired because his bladdy bizniss idea was a drinks company yet he couldn’t win this task. Wait, what? An actual reason for firing someone? Amazing.
Not as amazing as Alex. He is my current favourite. He looks like David Gest and dressed like a 70s gangster to go to Belgium. Also, his eyebrow game is out of this world. LOOK UPON HIM AND BE AWED.