I should probably start this by saying that you’re not going to get another clichéd rant about Danny Dyer. This isn’t going to be more acerbic, passé drivel concerning his high pitched voice, or his mockney accent, or any other of the usual criticism hurled his way. No. This is because I love Danny Dyer (Don’t get me wrong, there will be gags about his mockney patois. Shitloads. But they’ll be done in an endearing way).
At the heart of Film and TV is entertainment. Yes, some high-brow thespians partaking in some top, top thespin’ may be considered more ‘art-worthy’. But art only accounts for half of entertainment. Everyone loves the class clown. Everyone loves a court jester. And Danny Dyer is the UK’s court jester.
Some may see this as a disparaging remark. But au contraire! I’m not talking about Danny Dyer the person. No no no. I’m sure Double-D in real life is a witty and interesting specimen. I’m talking about Danny Dyer the character. Danny Dyer the on-screen presence. The Danny Dyer who’s just trying to earn himself a pound note, whilst simultaneously thinking that you, yes you, have got some brass neck on ya (and should wind it in. With much haste.).
The go-to cockney for most Guy Richie-lite film directors in the UK, Danny Dyer the on-screen presence is almost like a stereotypical pastiche of a cockney rude-boy; like someone has taken Mickey Fingers from the Fast Show’s “It’s one big cockney barrel of monkeys” at face value. He perfectly toes the fine line between having a bit of edge, whilst also being completely harmless. He’s safe in the sense that he has had comprehensive acting training, whilst at the same time has been up Upton Park a few times and will have no problem calling any co-stars “A Prowpa Schlaaag”. He’s the world most consummate professional barrow-boy.
Thing about Dyer is that he is pure entertainment. If we’re talking laughs-per-minute-on-screen, few will be able to touch Dyer’s run rate. Everything he says, everything he does, all his mannerisms, movements, catchphrases and clichés have me giggling like a schoolgirl. Which is why he has really excelled on the small screen of YouTube. It’s a medium almost built for him. Bitsize chunks of video and audio which provide his greatest hits, whilst cutting all the chaff from it. It’s Danny Dyer; from concentrate. And here at Shouting at Cows, as part of Danny Dyer week, we explore which have been his greatest moments.
Leaving no area uncharted, Danny decided to bring his special brand of cockney-thought to the world of gaming. Now, for most, a gaming night is not something planned. It’s a ‘weekend before payday’ activity which starts as a means to saving a few quid, and ends with you covered in crisp crumbs and cheap French larger in tears at 5am on Saturday morning, having a manic breakdown wondering where exactly life went wrong.
But not for Danny. For DD it’s a meticulously arranged 4 part process which needs seriously planning to be executed with the verve and decorum that Dyer requires, before he’ll even contemplate sitting down for some quality time with his console. Dyer covers refreshments choices, sleeping arrangements and even how to negotiate you spouse before a joystick slamming session, which leaves you wondering how the fuck you managed to waste all those hours on Goldeneye previously without this life mantra to follow. Your approach to gaming will never be the same again.
TOP QUOTE: “Second thing you do is…you…you know…you get a nice crate of lager in. Naaaah…don’t go mad with the beers. It’s just nice to play with a nice…lager…yeah…keep going back to it….yeah?”
Ah, if I had a pound for all the memorable nights I’d had out in The Opera House, Tottenham, I’d have…..well, nothing. I’d have no pounds at all. Danny decided to do some freelance advertising for the Opera House, after performing what I’m sure was a memorable set on the 1s and 2s.
After a montage of him cavorting with just the oddest collection of people you’d ever see (there just seems to be no thread or common ground between any of them), Danny takes it upon himself to repent for the years he spent maligning the picturesque borough of Tottenham, unaware that the ‘powpa gaff’ of the Opera House had been alluding him all these years.
Seemingly at the peak of coke-fuelled bender, Danny takes the ‘forcible’ approach to his marketing by asking you “Are you up for having it large?” with the metallic eyed rage of Robert Patrick from Terminator 2 (Have you seen this boy? Well, av ya? You seen this prowpa slag knocking abaaat rand ‘ere?). Danny confesses to being shown nothing but love from the patrons of The Opera House, so the question remains; You up for having it large? In a proper gaff? Well, ‘are ya? You, you there, reading this now, are you up for having it PROPA large in a PROPA gaff? You’re not? Oh. You’re busy? Oh, alright then…
TOP QUOTE: “Get Yourself Down Opera House…Sweet as…I swear to God. ‘Ave it. Love it. Opera ‘ahse. Tottenham……Sweet as a nut”.
Being an east-end chancer who had-to-pick-a-pocket-or-two back in the day, he was the only man who could promote a boxing match at Upton Park, right in the heart of the East End. This was a proper cockney sport, in proper cockney land. It was as London as Jellied Eels. And Pearly Kings. And…erm…The Plague. I suppose.
Being a proper cockney event (but with a slickly produced exhibition with millions of pounds riding on it), there was no-one else that could give the event the authentic (yet completely professional) promotion that it needed. Danny opens with the question “Derek Haye, Micheal Chisora; Do you wants some?” and follows it up with a cockney swagger of almost comical proportions down East Ham high street. In the space of about 20 seconds, Danny manages to shoehorn every cockney catchphrase and glib bit of fighting talk one could possibly imagine into his promo. “Yeah alwight, turn it it.”, “You’d be a MUG to miss it.” “It’s legal……and it’s APP’NIN!” All get dusted off and emitted by Dyer in this rollercoaster of (cockney) emotion. It’s essentially East London through the eyes of Guy Richie. Only on a reduced budget.
TOP QUOTE: “So it’s controversial? So what! It’s legal…and it’s APP’NIN!”
Danny Dyer ‘Calls-out’ Mark Kermode. (Note: This video has since been removed from YouTube, and has seemingly disappeared from the web).
Dyer has traditionally had a vociferous relation with critics, largely due to them not seeming to ‘Get’ his cockney wide-boy pastiche, or possibly due to them just getting bored of straight to DVD gangster films. Mark Kermode is one of those critics.
Frequently deriding Dyer’s attempts at acting with the most caustic of opinions, Kermode is famous for effecting a high-pitch squeal during his impression of the man in question. Well it’s this accent which tipped Dyer over the edge, and when questioned on it at a movie premier, Dyer launched into a tirade against Kermode.
Dyer blended his loveable rogue stick with some piss-poor insults and nonsensical threats, to make this face-off look like a car-crash episode of the shortlived rap-battle show ‘Yo Mamma!’ First claiming that he’s only ‘Tryina earn a paaand note” (though why he’s working for a defunct currency is beyond me), Dyer later accuses Kermode of being a ‘fah-king wrong’un’ and ‘a failed actor’, before refering to him as ‘Mark Kemit’. He’s closes his gambit by threatening to ’Smash him across his cahn-is-taah’. This makes no sense to me. Just punch the guy. Don’t start rearranging his aerosols.
Oh, Danny. Not your finest moment. Should have just called him “A faaakin’ Ma-hug” and wandered off.
TOP QUOTE:“See I never claimed to be Laurence Fah’kin Olivier. Alwight. I’m just trynah earn a paand note”.
However bad his altercation with Kermode was, this made up for it in spades. After another HORRIFIC panning from the critics for their latest effort, Love and Dyer use the audio commentary on the Outlaw DVD to use as their soapbox and hit back at the beastly pundits.
It’s essentially just one long Derek and Clive sketch, with them calling critics every name under the sun, and comparing their film to Taxi Driver and The Godfather. It’s quite possibly the greatest thing on Youtube. There’s no point me talking about it in any detail, as it won’t do it any justice. But here’s the top 5 quotes as a taster.
5) DYER; “No stars. I’ve never seen no stars before……the fucking broadsheet cunts.”
4) DYER; “One said ‘err, Lazy Nick Love, Dyer again has a dream come true’ and all that. And I tell you who it was, I’ll fucking pipe up here, it was Loaded. You fucking slags.”
3) LOVE: “You talk to 18 year olds about the Godfather, and they say ‘Fucking load of bollocks, takes three hours to get going.’”
2) DYER: “Thing is, it’s unsettling. Innit…Especially if you’ve had 10 pints.”
1) LOVE: “I’ve got reviews on……you can go online to get reviews of……Taxi Driver. 1976 it came out. It got cunted.”