Steve Charnock’s Transfer Deadline Day Predictions with Steve Charnock by Steve Charnock

During a particularly involved and complicated weekend of autoerotic asphyxiation and Cuprinol-sniffing a few months back, a strange thing happened to me. I’d overfilled the (Waitrose) carrier bag that was on my head with too much liquid wood preservative and passed out. While I was laying unconscious, I had a vision. I could see Noel Edmonds. He was speaking to the press outside the gates of his large country estate. It was hazy but I could definitely make out the phrases, ‘seized laptop’, ‘credit card details’, ‘book research’, ‘brozen zip’ and ‘blobby, blobby, blobby’. As I slowly regained consciousness I realised that somehow, through a combination of Premium One Coat TimberCare, retrograde Korean pornography and a total lack of self-respect, I had DEFINITELY developed the ability to see into the future.

So that explains that then, doesn’t it? Here are my psychic predictions of the events of Transfer Deadline Day. And you can take these to the bank. They probably won’t be interested, what with all the financial transactions they have to do and whatnot, but still. You can try it.

• QPR boss Harry Redknapp will suffer a nervous breakdown after the stress of the past few month’s player-baiting catches up with him. While ordering a 1am Big Mac meal from a Hammersmith drive-in, he’ll describe the banana milkshakes as ‘triffic’ over and over again to bemused staff until the police are called. He’ll then attempt to pick up a prostitute from a Halfords car park in Shepherd’s Bush ‘on a free’, describe £40 for a blow job as ‘silly money’ and then viciously stab her 58 times about  the chest and neck.

• Manchester City will solve their striker crisis created by the selling of Mario Balotelli to AC Milan by buying Mario Balotelli from AC Milan for £146m.

• Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert will declare that his team’s fortunes are to change after swooping, quite literally, for a day-old sparrowhawk chick. The former Celtic player, famed for his unique ability to fly, will claim that the inch-tall baby bird will ‘slot right into the side’ and is ‘a strong addition to the squad’. The chick will go on to top score for the Midlands side with no goals.

• Spanish Wigan boss Roberto Martinez will buy a 14 year-old Honduran street beggar, retired former Charlton defender Mark Fish and the reflection of a sleeping dog in a conservatory window from a Caribbean man in a local bookies. He’ll play the three upfront for the rest of the season and still not get relegated.

• Arsene Wenger will cause an intentional paper jam in the fax machine in his office and drop his BlackBerry down the toilet, giving him the perfect double excuse as to why he was unable to make any signings during the day. Content with his scheming, he’ll sleep snugly in a Recaro seat in his garden, wearing his favourite sleeping bag jacket which is stuffed with £250m in lavender-scented £50 notes.

• At 11.59pm, the French port town of Calais will be the last addition to Newcastle United’s squad, bringing their squad size up to 76,829.

• Tony Pulis’ hat will sign Moors Murderer Ian Brady, officially making Stoke City the worst, most unforgivable team of cunts in the history of world sports.

YOU MARK MY WORDS.