Dating is fun with all the ‘spending your hard earned money’ and ‘keeping in your farts’ shenanigans. A lot of your time before the date is spent panicking about what to wear (show a bit of boob? a bit of vag?) and whether you’ve waxed close enough, wishing you gave the mirror one last flash before you left the house. The panic begins to subside as you get closer to the date, because there’s nothing you can do about it now. The date is almost here, you can see them twitching uncomfortably towards you, and your strange waxing techniques may be ignored with the right amount of alcohol. Guys tend to panic more than girls because we’re just a god-like, Enya-soundtracked painting of a clitoris to them, and no one knows how to talk to a clitoris, really. So the last thing you want to worry about is what film to watch. This is where I come in. Trust me. You do trust me, right?
Irreversible (2002) Dir. Gaspar Noé
This film tells the tale of a young man, so intensely in love with his girlfriend that he exacts a brutish revenge on the thugs who rape and beat her. This will show the girl that you’ll happily defend her honor, no matter what the consequences and expelling all morals in order to get the job done. This shows commitment and passion. The girl will demonstrate her ability to tackle controversial topics, so you can fart now; she’s worried about your health.
Or it can be misconstrued as a psychopathic illusion that watching someone get horrifically raped in the most realistic depiction, is sickening and they want nothing to do with you. That would mean they’re probably a bit stuck up, so be glad they left. Pizza all to yourself.
Closer (2004) Dir. Mike Nichols
Show your date that you’re a level-headed realist by putting on this stark depiction of the reality of most modern day relationships. Cry at the parts that are most upsetting to show that you do not agree with this mistreatment and if anything, you despise cheaters so much you will slowly shake your head in disgust over Jude Law’s horrific acting.
Also, Natalie Portman’s a stripper in this, so save the imagery for your wank bank when your date’s on ‘jam week’.
Blue Valentine (2010) Dir. Derek Cianfrance
This is mostly for the guys out there with Gosling Inadequacy Dysfunction. If you want to stop the whole ‘OMGZZZZ RYAN GOSLING’S LIKE SOOOO PERFECT’, get them early in the relationship, when they want to please you so desperately they’re easily led to suggestion. In this film, Gosling starts off as a charming young man, but after he knocks up Michelle Williams (the love of his life, who he has the most sickeningly romantic moments with), he begins to lose focus, becoming a negligent, jealous and drunk husband.
Kick them where it hurts. Gosling is a dick ladies, but I’m awesome.
Transformers (2007) Dir. Michael Bay
This film is so fucking fabulously boring, there is a big chance your date will fall asleep in your arms. This leaves the chance stroke their hair and kiss them lightly on the head. When you go to do it next time, you’ll glide your hand so effortlessly and with expertise through their hair, that they’ll purr uncontrollably in your arms. You also have a chance to catch up on all your social networks while they sleep. Quickly update your Twitter followers with: ‘Date going well. She hasn’t given me a hand job yet though. 6/10. #date’.
Also, when they wake up, dribbling onto your arm, you’ll laugh about how cute it is and there’s your first couple story. You’re welcome.
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