Horror films are great aren’t they? You sit in the dark, waiting to be scared and then BAM!! A big, scary, mental killer appears and before you know it you’ve leapt up, punched someone in the face, a bit of poo has come out of your bottom and you’re giggling furiously for being such a dickhead who’s just stained their underwear. Happy days.
Sadly, there are very few films which are genuinely scary and most of them were made before Hollywood decided that everything should be in 3D because they can and fuck you.
A perfect example of a good old fashioned horror film would be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Even watching it now, it’s as frighteningly brutal as it was in 1974 when people didn’t have the internet and still wore clothes. So, a director called John Luessenhop thought it would be a splendid idea to make a new movie, called TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D picking up where the original left off. Let’s talk about what a mistake that was then, with – obviously – a bucketload of spoilers.
When the film starts we see that chick who got away in the first one, getting away again and laughing at Leatherface who’s angrily trying to chop fresh air with his chainsaw. She grasses up the whole stinking family to the Police who turn up at the old house and demand they send out Leatherface for being a massive, murdering prick. Before he can be arrested, some townsfolk arrive and decide to just burn the place down and feel pleased with themselves and their ability to use fire for evil. Everyone dies except a baby girl who is then raised by wolves or something and Leatherface. Also, a woman is kicked in the face by a foot.
Cut to a woman slicing meat and we meet Heather (the vanishing baby) and she’s all creative and misunderstood and shit. She has some friends who are terrible actors but she has a really flat stomach so we can forgive her for having such poor judgement. It’s all going well until she’s told by her fake parents that her real Granny has died and she’s inherited something but not before they tell her they secretly hate her and she’s a giant cowbag.
Still with me? Good. Heather takes her stupid friends whose names I’ve forgotten on a ROAD TRIP to meet dead Granny’s lawyer, pick up a HITCHHIKER and a giant bag of clichés which come in really handy for the rest of the film.
So what has Granny left Heather in the will? A FUCKING MANSION!! FOR REALZ. She’s all ‘THIS IS AWESOME’ and we’re like, ‘Leatherface totally lives there doesn’t he?’ because we’re smarter than she is. At this point in the film, I decided to take up smoking again and also ate the biggest hotdog I have ever seen in my life. It was about 14ft long. It had mustard on it and everything.
When I came back they had gone somewhere, leaving the hitchhiker alone in the mansion and he turned out to be a thief who steals cutlery. Shocking right? He then found a secret door and the rest of the film went like this:
‘What’s behind this secret door? LEATHERFACE!’
‘Who’s chasing me? LEATHERFACE!’
‘Who’s your long lost cousin? LEATHERFACE!’
‘Who killed everyone, except his cousin who, in a rubbish twist decides to take care of her mental relative in the mansion forever? LEATHER…oh fuck it you get the picture.
My rating? NO STARS FOR YOU, YOU TERRIBLE BASTARD OF A FILM.
I watched this so you don’t have to. You owe me stuff.