Top 10 Film Characters of 2012 by Peatree Bojangles

2012 has been a bloody fun year for film. We’ve had *gasp shock horror* GOOD comic book films, interesting horror, exciting thrillers, and a ruddy good Wes Anderson to top it all off. I have enjoyed myself, and to prove it, I even entered a cinema for a few of them. Yes, that’s right, I went out in public and put up with loud, dirty teenagers who all eat as if they have no nose they could possibly breathe through, and talk up to the last second of adverts, getting my blood pressure at its highest possible point before the film even began. There have been enough articles out there about ‘the top films of 2012blahblah’, so I’ve decided to do a top characters list. Because I’m super clever.

1) Mark Ruffalo as Hulk in The Avengers: Avengers Assemble

Oh Mark Ruffalo, you wonky smiling little hairy ruffian. I WANT TO EAT YOU UP. This is not the only reason he’s on the list. Oh no, this isn’t ALL about my vagina. There have so far been ZERO interpretations of the Hulk that I was able to watch without crying from laughter at the absurdity of it all until now. The character is created perfectly, and most importantly, there isn’t too much of the actual Hulk in the film. He’s mostly kicking ass in the end, and then there’s the part on the plane. Perfect for a quite ridiculous character to portray in reality. Mark’s features are even transposed onto the Hulk, adding to his character. Interestingly, the Hulk is fearsome before he even turns, which is added with Black Widow’s obvious fear of him. Also, there’s *that* line he says to Captain America before he turns:

“That’s my secret, Cap: I’m always angry.”

*girly squeal*

2) Jared Gilman as Sam Shakusky in Moonrise Kingdom

Another quirky yet heart-warming Wes Anderson flick graced our screens this year, surprisingly with roles for Bill Fucking Murray and Jason Schwartzman. The true stars of this film, though are the two young lovers (aged around 12ish) who run away together in order to be able to live and love freely. That’s fucking sweet, isn’t it? Sam is an orphaned boy scout who falls for troubled Suzy and runs away with her into the wilderness, carrying only the things dear to them. Sam’s unembarrassed honesty and almost adult-like visions on life is a breath of fresh air in a world where 12-year-olds only speak via text to someone else sitting in the same room as them. If anything, Sam encapsulates everything we would like a 12-year-old to be: rash; unexpected; a clever, yet unwise youth; out for the adventure and experiences; always basking in the now.

3) Seth McFarlane as Ted in Ted

Seth McFarlane is still doing things, it seems, and one of those things was a release this year in the form of Ted. A cuddly, yet crude teddy bear, who is Mark Wahlberg’s best friend. At a young age, Mark wished for his teddy to be real, very much like a Pinocchio scenario, but with more cock jokes and hookers. Basically, Ted is Brian from Family Guy with Peter from Family Guy’s voice. Which, you know, isn’t really that innovative. The reason he’s on the list though, is the actual teddy bear, the CGI or whatever was used, was seamless. I really thought I was watching a teddy smoke a bong. It felt real, and for a moment, the child in me wanted to run upstairs and try and turn all my teddies into vagina-obsessed winos like myself. Also, Mila Kunis.

4) Javier Bardem as Silva in Skyfall

I’m not usually the biggest fan of Bond films; which is to say I enjoy them, I just won’t go out of my way to watch them. In fact, I watched Skyfall only two days ago, but at least I bloody watched it. Now let’s celebrate the campest Bond villain in the form of Silva. That blond floppy hair really screamed TERRIFYING VILLAIN. I’m not really sure why he was the villain or what was going on because I was busy texting all the inconsistencies to my boyfriend just because he loves Bond and I’m a terrible person. But that thing he does, when he takes out his teeth and cheek plate and he looks like how I feel because of my wisdom tooth woes…*touches chest* I feel you bro.

5) Lena Headey as Ma-Ma in Dredd

We have really been lacking some badass women in film these days. We had Sarah Connor and Ripley and we were content for a while as women (or whatever feminist-type statement I should be making). I was thrilled to go watch Dredd and see, in a highly testosterone-filled film, a small, skinny badass woman as the terrifying gang leader. Not because GIRL POWER WOO, but because it emphasises how little power we have, no matter how BIG we think we are. Dredd, a huge man, wearing a fuck tonne of armour and a shit load of experience takes an hour and half to take down a gang leader, who used to be a hooker. We cannot underestimate people; they may fuck us up. Also, her scar is amazing.

6) Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Joe in Looper

Our young Joe is all grown up and acting in big grown up films. I remember when he was that funny looking kid in Third Rock From The Sun, and suddenly he’s kicking ass in Inception. It feels like I’ve grown up with him and because of that I’m obviously secretly in love with him. Shh, don’t tell him, it’ll be awkward between us. His portrayal in this film as a young Bruce Willis was scarily good. I honestly wasn’t sure who was narrating the film. His expressions (well, the squinting) were perfectly executed and he carried out this performance immaculately. Well done Joe, you sexy bastard.

7) Iko Uwais as Rama in The Raid: Redemption

I hope you’ve all seen this film because it’s DAMN good. DAMN good. As soon as I finished watching the film, the first thing I wanted to do was switch on my Xbox and kill as many things as possible. The main character (a badass, indestructible martial arts expert) spends the whole film KILLING everything he sees. In once scene, Rama and his brother spend around half an hour trying to kill this one man. SO INTENSE, I CAN’T EVEN.

8) Sigourney Weaver as The Director in Cabin In The Woods

There isn’t much to say about this other than SIGOURNEY WEAVER IS IN CABIN IN THE WOODS! At the end of the movie, she appears in this temple-like scenario and it is out of the damn blue. She’s just there. One minute, the film’s kind of ending and then BOOM Sigourney Weaver. Brilliant.

9) Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises

Anne Hathaway’s a bit blah in my eyes, a bit drab, a tad uninspiring. I watched Princess Diaries and I was not impressed. Neither am I attracted to her face – I find her features far too big for her tiny head. When she smiles, I almost expect her lips to come out of the sides of her face. Her neck is so long sometimes I worry her head will just start bobbing up and down like a jack in the box. I found her acting average if not forgettable.
I will now eat all my words. She portrayed a fucking amazing Selina Kyle and her ass was brilliant.

10) Neil Maskell as Jay in Kill List

I was shocked with this film for two reasons: I never knew of its existence and then suddenly Tyres from Spaced appears in it – but this isn’t about him. Neil Maskell, a genuinely mediocre actor, in films with Danny Dyer and Football Factory, impressed the socks off me. He plays a father, husband and hitman, who gets embroiled in a journey of snuff, Satanists and horrific murder. The scenes at home with his wife and when he’s drinking with his friends don’t feel acted. He is at home in this persona and it is unnerving how quickly he turns from that to murderer in a matter of seconds.

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