The Week on the Telly: That Dog Can Dance by Joanna Bolouri

Hello!! Did you all have a nice festive break then? Did you write your Xmas list and get that inflatable friend you asked for? I did. I called him Joshua Jackson and we act out scenes from Dawson’s Creek before retiring to bed for sex. I’m not even a little bit lonely anymore.

Anyway, here’s what I watched this week.

That Dog Can Dance (ITV)

Cue title music and we’re the thrown, head first and screaming, into a whirling vortex of pain towards Christine Bleakly and her sparkly face. She announces that this is ‘the only dancing competition where having two left feet is an absolute advantage.’ Oh brilliant. What she failed to mention is that this is the only dancing competition where having your eyeballs violently removed before watching is also an advantage.

Firstly we learn that the dogs actually had to audition but we don’t get to see any of the crap ones because we’re quite happy to make fun of and ruin the lives of actual people who audition for talent shows but not dogs. That would just be mean. We see lots of owners saying; “we’ve been working really hard” and “we’re so excited,” like the dogs have any say in this. Sharon Osbourne talks about an invisible thread and invisible love between dogs and owners. I tied an invisible noose around my neck and nothing happened, so clearly those other things aren’t real either.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a competition if we didn’t have judges would it? “Fuck no” is the right answer, so out come Ashleigh from Ashleigh & Pudsey of Britain’s got Talent fame, comedian Bill Bailey and Sharon Osbourne who all bring their own dogs on and none of them wee wee with excitement. Neither do the dogs. HA. See what I did there? Marvellous.

First up were Rachel with Jessica and Jacob with one of them dressed like a Ringmaster and dancing to One Direction as all good maniacs should. They jumped over stuff and there was a box and inside was ANOTHER DOG!! Fucking hell. They even tried to play the keyboard but there wasn’t any dancing, which being a dog dancing show means they should have been eliminated immediately.

Second were Dima and George. Dima likes to wear jaunty headgear and George was once a vicious bastard, now completely reformed. They dance to ‘You’ve got a Friend in me’ whilst dressed like cowboys. It’s so boring that even Sharon starts playing with her own dogs instead of watching and again NO DANCING. However, George the killer does manage to free himself from his lead, eat something and then return to the lead and look innocent. It’s a clever trick and one that George will find useful when the police find Dima’s body and rule George out as a suspect and he was tied up the whole time.

Jenny the copper and Tom are next and apparently Tom loves to dance. Tom could not confirm or deny this as Tom is A DOG so we’ll just take her word for it. Jenny really loves her dog and… OH STOP LETTING HIM LICK YOUR FACE YOU MANKY POLICE OFFICER. Ugh. They attempt to dance to ‘Living La Vida Loca’ with lots of pointing and side stepping but actual dancing so a million points for the women who’s covered in dog slobber.

Fourth are Sandra and Harry. Harry is a deaf dog but his owner still made him do this shit so she could get on telly. They dance to ‘Putting on the Ritz’ and Henry is having none of it. The pity looks start flying around, even from another dog who you can tell is thinking, ‘Poor bastard.’ Sharon waffles on about the dog being ‘regal,’ Bill Bailey just looked happy to be there and Ashleigh doesn’t care ‘cos she’s the fucking champ.

FINALLY it’s Lucy and Indie. INDIE CAN JUMP LIKE A HORSE. Lucy thinks Indie is her soul mate. I die a little inside. They dance to Footloose, with Lucy being a sexy secretary type and Indie turns out to be the best dog dancer like, ever. He hugs her and leaps around and I couldn’t have been happier if Kevin Bacon had appeared and punched me right in the face. The crowd went wild and Sharon Osbourne stood up on her feet and everything. Utter chaos.

Before the winners were announced, Ashleigh and Pudsey did their thing which was a Bond themed extravaganza with guns and baddies and gold Lycra legs flying all over the place. It was like a dream come true if your dreams involve ritual dog humiliation and Bond themes.

DECISION TIME. In third place were Sandra and Harry proving that the British public are heartless bastards who can’t even let the poor little deaf dog win. Second place were Dima and George for being better than someone else who didn’t come second and of course the winner were Lucy and Indie because, well the rest were shit.

This program almost made me wish I had a dancing dog. Well, if I didn’t have friends…and a child…and y’know, sense.

Verdict: This was almost as painful as that time I pushed a baby out of my vagina. Simon Cowell has a lot to answer for.

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