The Top 10 Hotly Anticipated Movies of 2013 by Steve Charnock

2012 was a massive year for movies, wasn’t it? There was that film that came out in January with that bloke out of that other film in it. Then there was that award-winning foreign film with that woman in it. And of course, let’s not forget the biggest summer blockbuster that had that explosion and car chase in it. Unforgettable stuff we think you’ll agree. But, like a woman who’s lost her husband in an autoerotic asphyxiation accident, we have to move on and marry another man. Preferably one who doesn’t masturbate with a belt round his neck, a pool ball in his mouth and a toilet brush up his arse. Or, in this case – move on and think about the next year of cinematic offerings…

And so we will. Right now. Here. At the moment. In this feature. Let’s run down some of 2013’s most hotly anticipated movies. Because if we didn’t, then the title of this blog would be very misleading indeed. And that could well have a negative impact on our SEO programme. Speaking of SEO – Lindsay Lohan nip slip, penis enlargement, Megan Fox upskirt, George Alagiah sex tape.

NOW LET’S GET ON WITH IT, YES? YES.

The Dark Knight Needs a Poo – In the fourth instalment of Christopher Nolan’s Batman series, The Dark Knight has to battle Gotham City’s most fearsome threat yet, Dustin Hoffman’s Riddler. All while fighting his own inner demons. And needing a poo. A really big one.

Shadows of the Dreams of the Spirit of Man Through the Ages – Some three hour French or Argentinian or Iranian film or something that everyone’s going to bang on and on and on about but you’ll never see. What you will do though, is read enough reviews of it on the websites of broadsheets newspapers that you can blag that you have seen it if it ever comes up in conversation. Because that’s how pathetic and pretentious you are. God, you people disgust us.

Locker Room Studs VII: Get Some Ass – The Tom Cruise gay rumours look set to spark up again in 2013 when the Mission Impossible actor stars in the seventh Locker Room Studs movie. The series has been, up until now, a straight to DVD venture, with copies only available from specially licensed outlets. But with Cruise on board and an $90m budget, the franchise is all set to hit multiplexes and go huge. The diminutive actor again brushed off gay rumours during a recent interview about his shock casting and his hardcore scenes of penetrative anal sex with other men. “It’s not gay, it’s just acting. I was thinking about breasts and vaginas when I was roughly fucking and spanking all those sexy guys’ sweet, sweet asses.” He told Spunk magazine.

Paranormal Activity 14 – Ghosts and that. Throwing shit about. On camera. Again.

The Bash Street Kids – Marvel have now adapted every comic in their stable so have cast their eyes across the pond and bought the rights to this classic Beano comic strip. Touted as next summer’s big blockbuster, the movie stars Dustin Hoffman as Teacher, Ryan Gosling as ‘erbert, Channing Tatum as Plug and the late Clive Dunn as Smiffy.

Disney Pixar’s Faust 3D – The smash animated film of 2013 looks to be Pixar’s interpretation of the German folklore story of Faust starring the vocal talents of Dustin Hoffman as Faust and Usher as Mephistopheles.

Tim Burton’s Latest Bloody Kooky Bollocks Gothic Thing – The shaggy-haired, shite-peddling director’s 92nd collaboration with Johnny Depp and 856th with Helena Bonham Carter sees Depp as Bernard Q. Gothicpenis in pale make-up doing a funny voice and acting weird. And Bonham-Carter as Gothicpenis’ wife, Bernardette X. Gothicpenis in pale make-up doing a funny voice and acting weird. The film’s already causing quite a stir, being described in some quarters as ‘yet another load of total fucking shite from a gang of smug, self-satisfied wankers.’

Deep Throat Remastered – Digitally restored and remastered, this junk-gobbling classic – in its original five hour director’s cut – will be enjoyed and appreciated by a whole new generation of moviegoers. Some of the UK’s major cinema chains already have plans to install JizzGuard™ screens to stop more enthusiastic film fans enjoying themselves all over the expensive screens.

Dude, There’s My Car! – The long-awaited comedy sequel finally hits cinemas in spring but comes in at a relatively lightweight six minutes running time. Early film festival screenings have spilt critics, with Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times saying ‘it’s just one man pointing out where’s he’s parked his car to another man’ and Peter Travers of Rolling Stone saying, ‘I didn’t watch it.’

Deal or No Deal: The Movie – DoND finally gets it’s much-touted big-screen adaptation, starring Dustin Hoffman as Noel Edmunds and Noel Edmunds as The Banker.

So there it is. Excited about next year? Don’t tell us about it in the comments. We couldn’t care less what you little people think.

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