With the Christmas Day extravaganza approaching, Eastenders are milking the Kat and Alfie ‘whoshaggedher’ storyline for all its worth. Yes, those scriptwriters may try to distract us with tales of long lost children and pretty cousins wanting to touch each other on their private bits but really we’re all sitting in our pants, wearing our Shane Richie fan club badges and praying that the world won’t end on the 21st December and spoil everything.
So for those who don’t follow Eastenders, here’s the story. For the past 254 weeks, we’ve known that Kat Moon has had an affair and through a series of subtle and clever clues, we’re led to believe that she’s being ruined by either Derek, Jack or Max Branning. The two main clues being:
The whole country is talking about this. I say ‘country,’ what I really mean is Mumsnet, where viewers have been turning all Sherlock Holmes and shit. LOOK!
‘Isn’t Tanya leaving around Christmas time? Makes sense if it is Max that’s been chucking his willy up Kat.’
‘Sharon Marshall said on This Morning that it is one of the Branning brothers.’
‘Where is Derek?’
‘I think Anthony.’
WHAT?! NOT ANTHONY! I don’t even know who the fuck that is right now but I’m excited. It could be anyone. Christmas Day could arrive and David Essex could appear on Arfurs bench singing ‘Oh What a Circus’ and reveal himself as the one who’s be doing Kat in a grotty bedsit. It could be Alfie himself in some sort of psychological breakdown, split personality Lars Von Trier homage or it could be me. Even I don’t know.
I bet it’s me.
Jeremy Kyle – Alex Reid: The Whole Story
Yes, Jeremy Kyle took time out of confusing, shouting at and angering dimwits to bring us an interview with a slightly better dressed dimwit, cage fighter and lover of orange women, Alex Reid. The interview centred around why the great British public hate him so much and involved Kyle looking at him with his dead eyes, occasionally glancing at his fingers nails and using his serious ‘let’s see how low my voice can go’ interview technique.
So, to save you the trouble and heartache of having to sit through this on ITV player, this is pretty much how the interview went:
JK – LET’S SET THE BASTARDING RECORD STRAIGHT ALEX REID.
AR –Good question.
JK – I AM GOING TO REMIND YOU SEVERAL TIMES THAT YOU WON’T SEE YOUR KID AT CHRISTMAS. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO CALL YOU A USELESS PRICK BUT I AM THINKING IT.
AR – I like to think a lot. Rollercoasters. Roooooxxxaaannnnne.
JK – YES! WHERE IS ROXANNE? DO YOU HAVE A SEX DUNGEON? DO YOU LIKE COCK?
AR – I stop doing things when they stop becoming fun. Rollercoasters. Good question.
JK – I PUT IT TO YOU ALEX REID, THAT YOU ARE A MAN SITTING IN FRONT OF ME THAT I SECRETLY DESPISE AND WILL PATRONISE UNTIL YOU LEAVE OR BREAKDOWN OR DIE.
AR – *makes whooshing noise*
So there you have it. The highlight of the interview, for me, was crunching some really nice chilli crisps which drowned out the sounds that were flying from the holes in their faces but I did stop eating for a second when Reid was asked what he really wanted out of life. Reid replied:
“What I crave is credibility and respect.”
By appearing on the Jeremy Kyle Show? Even Kyle himself must have had a chuckle at that.
These words brought to you by the wonderful Joanna Bolouri, who is literally on Twitter. Who does she think she is?