A Career In Three Films: Arnold Schwarzenegger by Peatree Bojangles

This man. Well, he’s not a man is he? If anything, he’s an alien sent to us from another planet. Unable to leave, he found work on planet Earth as a weight lifter. After a few years, he slowly realised he wasn’t actually making any money to survive, so the leader of his home planet (translated as Whiteblack) instructed him to try this ‘acting’ thing that everyone was going crazy over. As he has no reproductive organs, Maria Shriver was sent down to make him seem more human, and children were created using their technology. From his time in planet Earth so far, these are the three films of his I have loved the most.

The Running Man (1987) Dir. Paul Michael Glaser

Some people haven’t seen this film. DO YOU BELIEVE IT? Stupid people, YOU ARE STUPID. Now that I have your attention, I will divert it to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s golden leotard. My life will be complete once I own that leotard. Can someone for the love of God, buy me that golden leotard? I will bestow sexual favours upon you, I SWEAR.

Set in the distant future (2019), prisoners are held in prisons, with explosive collars, which trigger when an attempt is made to escape. Penalties for committing crimes are so severe that we no longer allow a death sentence because, just try and escape, it’s well lolz when their heads explode.

When Arnie *does* manage to out-smart the whole government and escape prison, he goes to his brother’s apartment to find he isn’t there but instead a sexy lady in a leotard (this film must have been sponsored by a leotard manufacturer) is lying down, lifting weights and sweating. Sexy. Damn straight it’s sexy. He gets all Hulk up in there, and ends up kidnapping her to help him escape as he discovers his face is all over the news.

Off they go on an adventure when suddenly he is found and detained by a TV company whose prime time show is of prisoners performing a gladiator match to the death. Arnie and his fellow escape convicts, and eventually the sexy, sweaty exercising lady are pitted up against ‘gladiators’ in order to survive. Most of the viewers have grown to love the regular gladiators and so bets are made for the deaths of the prisoners, but oh no IT’S ARNIE YOU FOOLS. He destroys everyone that gets in his way and even exercising sexy sweaty lady gets involved and kicks one in the balls. Good work.

Predator (1987) Dir. John McTiernan

Another McTiernan classic, from the guy who brought us Die Hard, comes one of the most quotable films in cinematic history.  Dutch (Arnie) and his team are dropped into a jungle, looking for some CIA dude or something BUT ARE THEY REALLY?! It’s all a ploy. Already. Three sentences in on this and I’ve already shocked you. An alien aircraft has crashed into the very jungle they’re in and seems to be killing and skinning people. CHAOS ENSUES. As Dutch and his team realise they’ve been dumped in this jungle, with little chance of escape and a large chance of being pulverized by an alien’s ray gun, they begin to set their mode to ‘kill’. As Dutch would say, ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it’.

Off they now go on their little adventure, with a female captive on board as well of course. We need some occasional nipple through white vest action to keep us steady through all the testosterone.

People begin to die off until we are left with Arnie going a bit mad and ‘blacking up’. Bit racist as he reckons he won’t be able to see him if he covers himself in mud and closes his eyes. It’s all okay when it’s unveiled that it’s related to heat and the mud hides his body warmth. GOOD SAVE MCTIERNAN.

The fight off between the two is fantastic and so is every other damn thing about this goddamn wonderful film. Goddamn wonderful.

Terminator 2 (1991) Dir. James Cameron

This is an intensely complicated film to explain, so I won’t. What I will do, is comment on how bloody awesome it is. It is bloody awesome.

Actually, I can’t not talk about it. So, Sarah Connor has had John and is duly located in a mental asylum. John Connor lives with foster parents, treats them bad and is overall, a mischievous little fella. He doesn’t believe his mother with her ‘A ROBOT MAN THING WILL END THE WORLD’ ramblings. Can’t blame him really. If my mother started with all that jibber jabber, I’d have her put down. All of a sudden, two Terminators are sent back – one to protect John, and one to kill him. It’s not long after this that John start believing, and plans, with his buddy Terminator (Arnie) to break her out and start their human race saving adventure.

Sarah Connor by this point is damn awesome. A badass with guns, cigarettes and arms I would kill for. She is the sole reason I began to smoke. I haven’t looked back since. She realises that she could end it all now by killing the creator of the very artificial intelligence that turns against the human race. Off she goes on this crazy mission, being all badass until John and Arnie go to stop her because YOU JUST CAN’T GO AROUND KILLING PEOPLE YOU CRAZY BINT. During this whole time, they’re being chased by Filter’s brother Robert Patrick, who has similar liquefying abilities as Alex Mack. They have to fight him, there’s a lot of blood and car chases and painful moments of ‘HOW HAVE YOU NOT FAINTED YET?! I’M FAINTING LOOKING AT YOU’.

Then the ending. With the thumb. *wipes tears* I love you Arnie.

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