Take Me Out: Series 4 – Episode 9 by Tim Ward

No likey, no lighty make Tim a dull boy

There is love of course. And then there’s life, its enemy.

So, here we all are then. The final episode of this series of Take Me Out, and therefore the final blog. Perhaps the final blog we’ll ever do about Take Me Out. Except for the Christmas Special next week. But other than that, it may well be the end.

The blog about Take Me Out has lived its life and consumed mine. I can no longer approach girls who aren’t stood behind illuminated podiums and I am frankly disgusted when I am forced to enter a room through any means other than a lift. But enough about that and my life in the dungeons of Shouting at Cows HQ watching reruns of Dinner Date – we’ve got a show to blog about.

The Girls

The girls were looking eager and why wouldn’t they be? Fail to bag a date and after this episode they’ll be broken down into spare parts for The Only Way is Essex or sent straight to the cat home to get the seven moggies that’ll keep them company for the rest of their lives. Paddy began show 315 of Take Me Out by explaining the rules. Even Paxman doesn’t explain the rules of University Challenge.

The Boys

Fella number one was trendy-Jedward-haired Nicky fromManchester! He kept a few lights, but not Piri’s – whose voice sounded like someone doing an impression of Piri from earlier in the series. Lois was keen though, and got in her catchphrase that everyone is saying: “I work on a boat.” Honestly, give it a few weeks and then every trip to the pub, office or funeral will be soundtracked by “I work on a boat!” followed by howls of laughter and sobbing.

Nick runs a graphic design company (oooh) and has a daughter (awww) and is the front man of a rock and roll band (Jovi). He lost loads of lights because of the music, but still had plenty left before his final round. Nicky’s mates reveal that he quite likes the colour pink – which is enough to lose another light or two. Nonetheless, Nicky gets a date with Danielle!

Boy two was bowl-haircut-that-is-the-style-of-the-time George from Leicester. The girls suddenly realised that there’s only two more men left after this and all left their light on. George is a traffic light signal installer, approximately the 23^rd traffic light signal installer on this series of Take Me Out. He also coaches youth football and for once, the mention of a sport didn’t cost the bloke any lights. Walking like a 80s music video bellend in speedos did though – 14 of them. In the final round, George’s dear mum tells all that he eats baby food. It put off Malin, but 13 lights were left to choose from and he sodded off to Fernando’s with Emma.

“WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!”

The penultimate bloke of the series was on the slightly large side – it was Ian who is Cornwall. Sorry, from Cornwall. A massive test of the girls’ resolve was before them: judge a fella entirely by looks and turn the light off, with only one man left in the series, or give him at least a round to reveal that he’s worth a few bob? He kept 16 lights. Including Kate’s, who thought he looked like “a big bag of fun” and Zoe’s, who wanted a cuddle, and got one. Ian is a coach driver and takes photographs in his spare time and works the door on his parents’ bar, where he also DJs. A busy lad. And he still had five lights left going into the last round. In his final round, Ian took the drastic decision of dressing like a bus conductor while yelling a frenetic version of The Wheels on the Bus. Ian lost all his lights. We all lost the ability to not drink loads of booze and cry.

The last man of the series was shiny building of a man Jordan from Salford. Jord kept all 30 lights, obviously. The only way their lights were going off was if the girls drooled over the circuitry. Jordanwas in the marines, then came back to be a professional rugby league player for Salford and Wales. He also has a lovely dog, and DJs. And still had 30 lights. All of them. Piri was speechless. Victoriawants to show him all of her tattoos. Noelle says she loves him. The only conceivable way for him not to have a date at the end of this would’ve been if he spent it crushing puppies to death with his thighs while wearing a Jimmy Savile mask. Even then, he probably would’ve kept a couple. Instead,Jordan came out in a rugby kit and showed that his massive strong legs are massive and strong. Thirty lights. It suddenly became clear why this episode was 90 minutes long – it was 45 minutes ofJordan disappointing 28 women by turning off their lights.

Jordanwas left with tattooed lovely Victoria and beautiful Malin. Tough life, eh Jordan? Jords left his love of tattooed, attractive girls for decent, and pickedVictoria!

The Dates

Angela and Giles went jet-skiing – BIKINI ALERT – before lunch, when Giles rapped. Rapping is always a bold move on a dinner date unless you’re remaking 8 Mile, but a second date is possible. Yay?

Kate and Dan were next and they went for a session of being put in submission holds by a small Thai lady. Dan hardly got dressed up for dinner, but they had a lovely date. More success! Making it the most successful series of Take Me Out ever. Probably. That’s a guess.

Hugh and Emily got Date Choice #4 in the Take Me Out Date Randomiser – go-karting. Emily battered him. Emily said some silly things and Hugh took the piss a little too much. He blew it.

Adelle and Joe head off to one of those twatting inflatable water things. She fell in the water. At lunch they had a nice chat and were nice to each other and liked how nice they each are. More success!

That’s it fo…OH FUCK THIS WEEK’S DATES NOW.

Danielle and Nicky went horse riding. Danielle’s horse tried to kill her, which was hilarious. They went for cocktails and got on well. Great. Next.

Emma and George went parascending – BIKINI & SPEEDO KLAXON – but it was boring. George didn’t seem bothered, but they actually did have a conversation, revealing that Em is a bit too sciencey for George. It did give George the chance to ask one of my favourite questions of all time though:

“Heh heh When you – haha – did brain surgery on a rat – hehe – did you ever mess it up and it just went mental?”

If ever you meant someone who has done neuroscience, ask them that. Every time you see them. Forever. Oh, this date? Nah, it was rubbish.

Victoria and Jordan went on a yacht ride –BIKINI, TATTOO, RUGBY PLAYER IN SHORTS ALERT – and then snorkelling. They went for a nice lunch and sort of planned a second date.

And that’s your lot. The final Take Me Out of the series is over. No more. But there is going to be a Christmas special. And then we’re done. At last. And I can sleep.

“You’re going fucking no where Ward”

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