The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
We’re nearing the home stretch now for Take Me Out. Paddy McGuinness is looking weary and desperation is starting to creep into some of the Flirty Thirty, who are still negotiating the death-trap looking stairs as well as their agents are dealing with Nuts magazine. In some cases. Thankfully.
We met Edelle, who is Miss Bikini Cork – a title won after wearing a bikini entirely rationed together from bits of old cork – and Piri, who Paddy told us turns her light off quicker than every other girl on the show. She’s been quiet in the last week or two and her gravelly voice has been sorely missed.
Our first fella was chiselled Jenson Button in a pint glass, Giles from Lahndan, who only went and kept all his lights on. We found from his video that Giles has sex with his motorbike and wants to own his own boat. He lost three lights, mainly due to the bike, and has an odd, almost Michael McIntyre-way of making quips. Nonetheless, Lois has nautical experience and offers a swap of boat for bike in that voice that she does. You know? Her voice? In the final round, we heard from his ‘good friend Sophie’ who reveals that he’s taken her out a few times. It’s painfully obvious that ‘good friend’ might mean ‘slightly unhinged stalker’ and most of the ladies turn off their lights, as they probably don’t want to date a bloke who might be kidnapped at any moment. Giles had a few lights to choose from but headed off Luton Airport with Angela.
Neil from The Young Ones, AKA Dan from Manchester, was our second man. He kept 16 lights. In episode one, he would’ve kept a maximum of 10. In this video Dan says the word “free spirit” almost immediately, as you would expect, and he has been to dozens of musical festivals from which he still wears all the wristbands like a tool. His video couldn’t have made him look any more hippyish, so the producers deserve some credit for that. He’s still got 10 lights left before the inevitable bongo-playing final round. Lois’ light was still on and, like Dan, she’s learning Japanese. Lois baffled the poor man with a fluent “I am learning Japanese too” to which Daniel could only respond “Do you drink beer?” Dan speaks Japanese in the same way people ‘speak Spanish’ by being able to say “dos cervezas por favor”. In his final round Dan came out dressed like a pirate and did a bit of magic by pulling out a ladder from a chest and a man dressed as Freddie Mercury. I think the women left were too busy trying to remember how much a Match subscription cost to turn their lights off so Dan got himself a date with Kate.
Our third lad was petrified-looking Hugh from Edinburgh, who kept 30 lights. Thirty? Really ladies? Really? Hugh is an estate agent (boooooooo) and enjoys to twat about in his Land Rover at the weekends. There were plenty of lights left for Hugh before his final round in which he wore a kilt and drummed to the Proclaimers – which is the second most Scottish thing imaginable, behind Kenny Dalglish eating haggis while deep-frying Frankie Boyle’s mars bar. Hugh got himself a date though with far-too-stunning-for-him Emily.
Our final boy was tiny-sized Joe from Essex. Of course his name was Joe. 75% of the male population from Essex are called Joe. He lost just two lights, including Piri’s who, to be fair, would tower over him. Joe is a solicitor and plays American football. He’s perfectly inoffensive but lost a few lights. Joe’s two mates reveal that he’s shit at chatting up women. But he’s got a date! He’s got a date with Cork-bra Wearing Edelle!
Scouse Leah and hipster-douche Matt were up first. They went on a horse and carriage ride before dinner where Matt didn’t stop doing fucking shite impressions and then ‘rapped’. I say rapped; rhymed some words for a few sentences. The date ended without romance, and I, for one, am shocked that the guy who looked like a hipster-douche turned out to be, er, a hipster-douche. Judging books by their covers does sometimes work.
Sam and, er, Sam went quad-biking followed by lunch, and Female Sam really got dressed up for the occasion. The occasion being her Nuts photoshoot. They got on really well, despite not appearing to actually say much to each other. More dates? Maybe. Who knows? Or cares?
Luke and Rachel went to a water slide – *BIKINI ALARM*. I’m not sure that God-fearing Luke was allowed to hold her hand, but hold it he did. They got some champagne and ol’ Invisible Sky Wizard was mentioned. Rachel doesn’t share his religious views, which might be a problem. I assume that during his video last week where he talked openly about his Christianity she was thinking about what to cook for dinner or something.
Katie and Pete went on a jet-boat. Which looked like a two-man hovercraft – *BIKINI ALARM*. They went for dinner where it was revealed that both have traditional gender opinions. I think Katie thought he just meant that men act like men, whereas Pete meant it in a women-in-the-kitchen-at-all-fucking-times kinda way. Katie is obviously attracted to this kind of blokey bloke and they look set for a second date.