Take Me Out: Series 4 – Episode 7 by Tim Ward

“Ladies, my finishing move is the Running Splash. What’s yours?”

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind

Yes – it’s Take Me Out and, no matter what Dermot O’Leary tells you, your Saturday night starts with it as regularly as it ends sobbing in a darken room cradling a near-empty bottle of gin.

The Girls

Out they tottered and shimmied down the steps hopeful of finding love. Paddy spoke to Laura who has been there since episode one – but this is almost definitely the first time she has spoken. And with good reason – she’s after a guy with the personality of Will.I.Am and the body of an action man. A strangely effeminate man wrapped into a genital-less toy. That’s the standard we’re working towards.

The Boys

Our first boy was hipster-douche dancing-like-he’s-having-electric-shock-treatment trendy-fake-specs-wearing one-trouser-legged-rolled-up red-deck-shoed bellend extraordinaire Matt from Leicester. Matthew only lost six lights – for shame girls, for shame. In his video, it was revealed that Matt is indeed a hipster-douche despite working in a shoe shop and living with his parents. Oh and he also does hilarious impressions of on-trend personalities like Little Britain and Borat and frankly I’m struggling to think of any reason why he’s not a tosser. Nonetheless, Matt ends up hipstering up the stairs with incredibly Scouse Leah.

Fella number two was massive-armed Pete fromChichesterwho didn’t lose a single light and rightly so. You’d feel so safe in those arms. So safe. Pete is a builder who is training to be a Royal Marine Commando by doing pull ups underneath piers. Pete spends his weekends with his bloody blokey-bloke laaad mates, dicking about shoulder pressing unsuspecting women above his head, like some kind of banter-inspired Ultimate Warrior. He had plenty of lights left going into his final round including that belonging to the not-often-shown-but-stunning Malin and the increasingly unhinged Lois. In his final round, Pete dressed as one fifth of a Village People tribute act and built a wall. Not really, obviously; he did effortless pull-ups. Peter had plenty to choose from and whittled it down to Katie and Malin. Blonde v Brunette. Pete gives his helmet – OI OI – to Katie and off they went.

Man three was inoffensive Sam fromColchester, who kept 30 lights and then directed Paddy who to speak to, which is a new direction of the show that I enjoyed. Kate liked Sam’s eyebrow piercing and showed off her own tongue-stud, making Sam stumble over his words and dribble slightly while his mind yelled the phrase “THINK OF THE BLOWJOBS” over and over. It doesn’t stop there, as Victoria liked his tight fitting jeans and all Sam could do was struggle to not blurt out the words “YOU HAVE BREASTS!” at the top of his lungs. Sam is a professional mountain-bike freestyler which is, of course, not a real job. But it obviously pays well for him to own too many quadbikes, motorbikes and a speedboat. In the final round Sam’s mum reveals that he wears a false front tooth costing him a dozen or so lights. But he did bag himself a date with another Scouser in the line-up, Samantha.

The final chappie of the night was Union J spare-part Luke fromSurreywho appeared to be about 13 years old. Luke studies classical music and can play the violin but such a display of natural talent didn’t wash with some the lassies and he lost a few lights. Luke also plays ultimate Frisbee and is a Christian. It’s a sign of the times that believing in God is a little odd. It’s also a sign of a conflicted man who would believe that there is a God and then apply to go on Take Me Out. Edelle was keen to condemn his soul to eternal damnation though, which is nice. Bronnie thought it was cute “how he likes Jesus” which was a stunning way of patronising a 2,000 year old religion in a single sentence. In the final round Luke came out with a barbershop quartet and was guaranteed a date – you can tell the series is getting towards the desperation stage. Luke whittled it down to Rachel and Bronnie and went for Rachel. Her thoughts on his like of Jesus remained unknown.

The Dates

Erica and Jim were up first and they headed off to terrorise the people of Fernando’s in a rickshaw before bonding further over dinner. Jim taught Erica how to beatbox and they got on marvellously. Success!

Jo and Marco went snorkelling – BIKINI OPPORTUNITY – before having dinner where Jo revealed she has a phobia of “farmer accents” which is, er, mental. But Marco isn’t put off and they arrange a second date – the system works!

Jason and Dannika were next and the pair went rock climbing. Jase did the gentlemanly thing and let Dannika lead the way and that was in no way a plan to spend an hour staring at her arse – which she then proceeded to smash into a wall. They went for poolside cocktails and the booze worked – additional dates planned – HUZZAH!

Leave a Reply