Take Me Out: Series 4 – Episode 5 by Tim Ward

“One of you lucky ladies will be my new strumpet.”

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

Our generation’s Blind Date is… well, Blind Date. But whatever generation is next has Take Me Out. So, is love in the air as we move into week five? And did the classic signs of desperation hang on every light left on?

The Girls

We’re still struggling to pick a definite favourite lady yet – aside from the ones I’m harassing on twitter, which has become an annual hobby of mine. Ruth is after a man who can dance and/or fight a bit, and Jo has a fake boyfriend as she’s the only singleton in her family. Meanwhile, Piri is put off by beards and carries around sachets of ketchup with her just in case of any dry food she may encounter – which is a bit mental, but handy.

The Boys

Our first gentleman had the facial hair of an Edwardian viscount who has killed, and will kill again – it was Myko from London. Myko certainly had a distinct look – that of a woman trying to pass as a man, equipped with stick-on facial hair – and he lost 13 lights, including that of Katie who thought he was “interesting”, but, you know, not attractive. Myko is a tailor and loves 1930s style, fashion, parties, and, presumably, the over-hanging threat of war in Europe. Our man had a decent amount of lights left before the final round which saw his sister Joanna reveal that he once had a corset made to help his figure. And every light went at that point. Which lad hasn’t worn a corset to improve his figure? Oh. Nearly every single one. OK. Next?

Chappie number two was Chris from Bournemouth, who kept all 30 lights including Jo’s, who genuinely said “Do you know Yoda? Cos YODA-LICIOUS”. And the mystery of why she is single was solved. Chris is a professional dancer and a little bit of a mummy’s boy, but he also raps! We think seriously, not in a white-boy-ironic-hipster way. Chris lost a few lights for being a dancer, and Piri’s light was off as she also raps and was worried Chris would be better. Which he was. The final round was the inevitable dancing bit, with Chris flouncing around the stage and juggling fire. All of which resulted in him bagging a date with Elia, after a dance off with Erica, who did fuck all against Elia’s jiggling.

Our third lad was swaggering Amar from Worcester. He kept some lights, including Thiopia’s, who continued her baffling body-references by commenting on his ankles, and Olivia’s, who was left speechless. Amar runs his own t-shirt business with his mate and helps out at a youth centre, like a decent bloke, but also loves his car a bit too much, like a dick. He had some lights remaining, one of which belonged to Lois, who was strangely quiet up to this point. So, what was attracting Lois to Amar? “I like your helmet” she said, and a little bit of me died inside. Amar’s mate revealed that our man in the middle puts toothpaste on his face, and we were greeted by the grim sight of a pillow covered in a white substance. Nonetheless, Amar got himself a date with Charlotte!

The final fella of the week was a slightly mature chap – it was Chiles [Adrian? - ed] from Shropshire – with the look of a soap opera villain. Not like Coronation Street, or Eastenders, no, more like a Hollyoaks baddie. He perhaps built a new club, but cut corners and now the building is a death trap. You know, that kind of look? Chiles runs four businesses, like all soap bad guys, and is building a house next to his parents. He also does karate and loves horse-riding, so Chiles would be a decent catch, but had just six lights left before his final round. Chiles karate chopped three melons, and picked a very excitable Ruth over Fenella, depriving the world of a couple called Chiles and Fenella. Shame.

The Dates

Simple Sam and Natalie were up first, with the odds of a gratuitous bikini shot falling by the second. The pair headed wine tasting. Oh. The producers messed up there. Luckily, Natalie wasn’t wearing a polo-neck, so the shots of her stumbling around on her heels in the vineyard did the job. At dinner, the pair got on really well and they even shared a kiss. Sam got this fate by virtue of Natalie being the only girl left with her light on. The lucky bastard.

Ed and Lucy’s date was in a kayak – *SWIMWEAR SHOT* – and Ed paddled them into a wall. Over lunch they talked about her cats and while managing to avoid the open-goal of a pussy joke, Ed told her he doesn’t actually like moggies. The rest of date was just as bland. Move on, quickly.

Robin and Jamilah’s date was next and they went on a weird, massive inflatable thing in the sea. The sea? Bikini shot! Drink, if you happen to be playing the Tim Ward Take Me Out Unofficial Drinking Game. The pair have a nice meal with Robin clearly astounded that he’s got a date with a girl as nice looking as Jamilah. They do want more dates! Success!

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