Bluff Your Way Through Olympic Sports by Tim Ward
The Olympics have been on for a week now, and never before have so many people been enthralled by so many sports that they have no fucking idea about. With that in mind, here’s a quick guide to make sure you sound like an expert to your mates.
Archery
What you should say: “The Americans have a strong team – such as Jake Kaminski.”
What you will say: “Why do all the male archers look like geeks?”
Artistic gymnastics
What you should say: “The United States women have won 107 medals in this overall.”
What you will say: “Don’t they jump about a lot?”
Trampoline gymnastics
What you should say: “Athletes perform two voluntary routines in the qualification round: in the qualification round, the first routine focuses on simplicity and excellent execution, while the second exercise has no difficulty limitations.”
What you will say: “This looks like a right fucking laugh.”
Athletics
What you should say: “This is the true highlight of the Olympics – where legends are made.”
What you will say: “How many do you think are doped up?”
Badminton
What you should say: “It’ll take something special to beat Malaysia’s Lee Chong Wei.”
What you will say: “Ha, shuttleCOCK. Geddit?”
Basketball
What you should say: “What a chance to see USA play – Kobe Bryant being involved really highlights the standard of the sport.”
What you will say: “Remember Space Jam?”
Beach Volleyball
What you should say: “Beach volleyball requires incredible agility, hand-eye- co-ordination and communication.”
What you will say: “Great! Oh… MEN’s beach volleyball.”
BMX cycling
What you should say: “Having made its debut at the Beijing 2008 Games, the fast and furious sport of BMX makes its second Olympic appearance.”
What you will say: “BMXing is in the Olympics?!”
Boxing
What you should say: “Muhammad Ali, George Foreman and Oscar de la Hoya have all won Olympic gold.”
What you will say: “Adriiiiiaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn.”
Canoe slalom
What you should say: “Canoe Slalom competition will call for speed, control and precision”
What you will say: “Have you ever been to WaterWorld?”
Track cycling
What you should say: “Team GB should be in amongst the medals here with Hoy, Pendleton and Trott all looking good.”
What you will say: “Chris Hoy’s thighs are terrifying.”
Canoe sprint
What you should say: “Look out for Max Hoff of Germany here – he broke the World Record last year.”
What you will say: “I did canoeing in the scouts. It was cold.”
Equestrianism
What you should say: “Equestrian is made up of three disciplines: Dressage, Eventing and Jumping. Each discipline requires different skills from the riders and horses competing.”
What you will say: “What the fuck is this Dressage bollocks?”
Fencing
What you should say: “A tense, compelling battle of wits and technique.”
What you will say: “They should give them real swords.”
Football
What you should say: “Brilliant – football is on!”
What you will say: “When does the football season start?”
Handball
What you should say: “The French have a very strong team this year, only Denmark comes close.”
What you will say: “Holy shit. This is awesome.”
Hockey
What you should say: “India have won the most golds, but they aren’t the force they were – the Australians are looking dangerous.”
What you will say: “I genuinely had no idea men played hockey”
Indoor Volleyball
What you should say: “This was originally invented as a more casual version of basketball.”
What you will say: “AGH”
Judo
What you should say: “Teddy Riner just win Gold here – a six time World Gold Medal winner.”
What you will say: “I did judo when I was younger. Twice. The teacher said I was really good.”
Modern Pentathlon
What you should say: “What skill to excel at five disciplines.”
What you will say: “I wish they had to do the other four sports while on the horse.”
Mountain bike cycling
What you should say: “This became an Olympic sport in 1996, but is really popular globally.”
What you will say: “Remember our trip to Center Parcs?”
Rhythmic gymnastics
What you should say: “This is one of the most beautiful spectacles on the Olympic programme.”
What you will say: “This is just fannying around with ribbon.”
Road cycling
What you should say: “Along with the Tour de France, this is the sports highest honour.”
What you will say: “Where’s Chris Hoy?”
Rowing
What you should say: “Great Britain has a strong pedigree in rowing, so we should win some medals.”
What you will say: “Coxless? Ha!”
Sailing
What you should say: “Mastery over ever-changing conditions on open water requires skill and nerve.”
What you will say: “Is that your favourite, or do you prefer Wake Up Maggie?”
Shooting
What you should say: “Between 1896 and 2004, British athletes won 43 Olympic medals in Shooting.”
What you will say: “Fancy a game of Goldeneye?”
Swimming
What you should say: “Michael Phelps is the greatest ever Olympian.”
What you will say: “I got my 50m red braid.”
Synchronised Swimming
What you should say: “What a stunning example of co-ordination, timing and elegance”
What you will say: “Wet dancing.”
Table Tennis
What you should say: “Table Tennis is a breathtaking spectacle that blends power, speed, skill and subtlety. It’s the biggest participation sport in the world you know?”
What you will say: “We had a table in our common room.”
Taekwondo
What you should say: “Taekwondo translates into English as the way of foot and fist.”
What you will say: “I did taekwondo when I was younger. Twice. The teacher said I was really good.”
Triathlon
What you should say: “Swimming, cycling and running. I can think of no other combination of sports that would test the body so much.”
What you will say: “I bet it’s fucking freezing.”
Water Polo
What you should say: “Water polo is fast-paced and frenetic, much like handball.”
What you will say: “Don’t the horses drown? HA!”
Weightlifting
What you should say: “A showcase a test of pure strength – the oldest and most basic form of physical competition.”
What you will say: “She’s got bollocks, right?”
Wrestling
What you should say: “Wrestling has been contested at the Summer Olympic Games since the sport was introduced in the ancient Olympic Games in 708 BC.”
What you will say: “The Undertaker was always my favourite.”
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