If you’re in a relationship, have been in a relationship or have wound up married, you’ll know that over time, things can get a bit stale and that quirks you previously found hilariously charming can become like nails on a blackboard.

It’s okay though, Fox News’s Amber Milt (which my spell-checker wants to correct to MILF) is here to talk you through a foolproof method of getting your love life back on track,via the unorthodox method of the prank.  Upsettingly, your girlfriend will only come across these tips and enact them if she’s the sort of person to a) read Fox News and b) take its advice seriously, in which case your relationship is doomed anyway, because she’s a moron. Sorry.

No matter how great the chemistry, every relationship can get dull at times. What better way to spice things up than a playful prank?

A blow job.

Seriously though, she’s suggesting that you play pranks on him. Maybe he’s come back from work knackered and in a bad mood because he’s had a stressful day. Maybe you have, too, but this frighteningly mental article seems to think that women have nothing better to do all day than fuck about with bits of newspaper all day. Anyway, maybe he would just like to be left alone for a bit or something that’s, y’know, nice.

This is one of our favorites and it can translate into a number of situations. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he’s into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.

Amber doesn’t point out here that this only works if your boyfriend is the most gullible donger in history. The sort who believes 9/11 conspiracy theories or listens to advice from FOX NEWS. He’d be better off just taking the opportunity to sod off down the pub for a couple of hours, and come back with a slurred, “gah, you got me!”

How is this fun for anyone? Isn’t it the sort of bollocks prank played on Will from the Inbetweeners when he went on work experience?

“Could you pop to B&Q and pick me up a glass hammer”
“What’s a glass hammer, I’ve never heard of one”
“I um…”

Divorce.

If you’re feeling silly, stuff tissues or newspaper into his shoes so that he can’t get his feet in. Write “SURPRISE!” on each one — he’ll see the message as he pulls them out.

Written by someone who’s never tried to doodle on a tissue and had the ink go straight through the flimsy tissue. Also, he’ll probably not bother unballing the tissues, and just think you’re seriously mentally ill. Honestly, these are the actions of a lunatic. Nobody is going to fish bits of paper out of their shoes at 7.30 in the morning and think, “cor, she really got me there!”

Divorce.

The old sticker-on-the-back routine of the “Kick Me” variety is not very clever, and it’s certainly not nice — but it is pretty funny. Try “Hug Me” instead, and wait for him to come home and tell you about his bizarre office encounters.

Oh, don’t make him look like a dick at work, for crying out fucking loud. He’ll probably get beaten to death on the Tube anyway.

Divorce.

An oldie but goodie: Superglue a coin to the floor and watch as he scratches away to pick it up.

What a waste of a pound. And a cracking way to ruin your living room carpet. This genuinely reads like it was written for children. Please never, ever do this. Or, for a budget option, use the lid off a party popper. (joke (c) Peter Kay, circa 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004)

Divorce.

We heard this and thought it was pretty cute, especially if you have kids! Add some sweet shenanigans to your day with a little fruity fun. Carefully poke some gummy worms into fresh fruit, like apples. Give your guy (or even your kids) a wormy apple for lunch and watch their face light up.

We can’t figure out a single way this would work without obviously damaging the outside of the apple and having him throw the thing away.  Who takes an apple to work anyway? It’s not 1956.

Divorce.

Lastly, we’ve got a no-fail prank that anyone can do and it’s sure to get a laugh. Open a bedroom door slightly (or any door that you know he will walk through) and put a pillow at the top of it — when he opens the door the pillow will hit them on the head. Make up for your wily ways and offer to kiss his boo-boo!

Offer to kiss his boo-boo. Kiss his boo-boo. She’ll be lucky if he doesn’t just pop the pillow over her face and end it all right there. The prank probably won’t work either, the pillow will quite easily balance on top of the door. This is a shambles.

Divorce.

If that wasn’t enough hilarity for your relationship (seriously: blow job) then the comments section has been overtaken by suggestions that manage to simultaneously take the piss AND be loads better than Amber’s originals…

When he goes into a public bathroom, preferably an airport or shopping mall, tape a sign that says “Free Blumpkins” to the door of his stall. He will love all the attention.

 

I put a used tampon in my wife’s sandwich. It was her sisters

 

When Hubby goes on a business trip secretly pack a Klan robe and fake bomb in his suitcase. Get ready for some cavity searching hilarity!

 

Put poop under his pillow so when he lies down to go to sleep at night he says “Oh no! You put a doody under my pillow!” But in real life it wasn’t your poopy it was your dog’s or small child’s! You will laugh together!

That’s the best suggestion EVER.

PINCH A HUBBY’S NIPS FOR THE BEST SURPRISE EVER :D (DONT DO IT ON HALLOWEEN, TOO SPOOKY)

 

You should also try what I like to call The Ghostie: Wrap yourself in a white sheet while he’s in the shower. Flush all the toilets and run all the faucets to really mess with the temperature. (I love it when they scream!) Then as he’s stepping out bust into the room and shout BOO! Bonus points if he slips and falls and breaks something.

Unfortunately though, a couple of people aren’t exactly thrilled with the advice. Pity them.

My girlfriend glued all of my coins to the laundry room floor. That was our rent money. Also the landlord is very angry and is going to evict us. Please help, we have nowhere else to go.

 

trick with falling pillow saved my relationship. things is very spicy now, almost too spicy to be totally honest. do you have any pranks to make things less spiced up

 

i tried the one with the hug me sign and a younger thinner woman hugged him. her breasts were pushed up again his chin (he is very short man). now what

 

Now what indeed.

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