I’ve been holding back from writing about Robert Downey Jr for a while now. It’s difficult for a few reasons – I love almost all of his films. From the rom-coms of the 80s to the more mature wit he now exudes. A second reason is because every time I write/say/mime/display through interpretive dance his name, I experience the most intense orgasm exploding through my body. The end of Incredible Hulk turned my vagina into She-Hulk. Re-watching Weird Science and seeing him as one of the ‘bad boyfriends’ caused me to attach a doll to my MacBook while channelling Kelly LeBrock. Heart & Souls may have caused me to create my own Downey Jr. imaginary friend (hint hint, wink wink (I’M TALKING ABOUT MY MASSIVE DILDO)). It was difficult to think of three films where he stood out the most but I chose these three. (Iron Man = Avengers so chill out).
Avengers Assemble (2012) Dir. Joss Whedon
I only know one person who dislikes this film, and I’m pretty sure they are mentally incapable of saying any other words outside of ‘DUN LIKE IHT’. Now for those who are unaware because you’re blind, deaf, mute and dead, The Avengers are a collective of superheroes who team up and save the world together. They are made up of many heroes throughout the years – MANY fucking heroes, I cannot be arsed to list them all here. But the guys in the film are: Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, put together by Nick Fury fighting against Loki (Thor’s brother). Some people argue that Spiderman or Wolverine should be in the film because they are also in the Avengers but HOLD UP so was Spider-Woman, Quicksilver, Wasp, even ANT-MAN for Christ’s sake. You can’t have them all and anyway who really wants Spiderman? He’s rubbish. I WENT THERE.
I shall stop now because otherwise this will be a massive rant on how comic book films about superheroes are just unmistakably difficult to create and a lot of the times shouldn’t be done. This film though is perfect because you don’t need to understand anything about any of the characters to enjoy the film. It’s not created for geeks who are sitting high on their cunt thrones, spitting on anything that upsets them (yes, I’m talking about myself here). It’s a fucking fantastic action film that makes you laugh and jump at the same time while rubbing your thighs at Scarlett Johansson’s perfect bum/tits/lips/face/voice/life.
So this article’s about Robert Downey Jr. apparently! Sorry. If any of you have seen Iron Man and loved Robert’s depiction of Tony Stark in that, then you will love him in the film. Same character, same brilliance. Stark’s arrogance and playboy persona are perfectly depicted by Downey Jr. because that is Robert Downey Jr. Does this make him a good actor? Maybe. He is still fucking beautiful though. Fucking beautiful.
Sherlock Holmes (2009) Dir. Guy Ritchie
When this first came out, my initial reaction was ‘SHERLOCK HOLMES?! Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock? Sounds fucking dull as shit’. What a fool I was. I knew very little about Sherlock and how Doyle depicted him; about how ruthless and intelligent he was. Not just a funny hat with a Doctor sidekick. Sherlock is an erratic bohemian with the mind of a calculating genius. I found that out obviously after watching the film by looking it up/talking to people, but when watching the film I was unaware of this. Yet *still* I enjoyed every moment of it. Even down to Jude Law’s massive fucking head.
Again, Downey’s a witty erratic character and you wonder whether that’s just him in real life, and then he takes off his top and you forget your own name. This is the power Robert Downey Jr. has on the world. Every straight man with a working penis feels a twitch whenever he graces the screen. Robert Downey Fucking Jr.
The film itself is cleverly made, a gritty London in the 19th century depicted by Guy Ritchie, the way Guy Ritchie would. You can almost see element of Snatch and Lock Stock appearing in some scenes, notably the boxing match Downey undertakes and, obviously, wins in the most flamboyant of ways. Also, Rachel McAdam’s forehead is in it, being all ‘get in loser, we’re going shopping’.
Tropic Thunder (2008) Dir. Ben Stiller
Ben fucking Stiller. Most times, I cannot stand this tiny man. He’s the guy in class who always made stupid faces and noises inappropriately, at moments when people actually wanted to pay attention, and then laugh joyfully at his own stupidity. Clapping like a sea lion at his inability to keep to himself, while everyone stares a cold stare of death, wondering whether he’ll die on the streets as a prostitute, or worse, while going down on a prostitute in his painful attempt to escape loneliness.
So anyway, Downey’s performance in this is second to none. I have never… NEVER laughed as hard as when Downey’s blackface appeared on screen. He plays Kirk Lazarus, an Australian actor who always pushes the envelope in his performance. In this performance, he is cast as a black man and spends the whole film in character, even when the cast are lost in the woods and fighting for their lives; he’s still the angry black man. He’s a white man who’s an angry black man. His performance is fucking beautiful. This is the one film where I don’t have to wank over Robert’s bare chest to ensure its brilliance.
I would like to mention Tom Cruise now because a lot of conversations end up like this:
‘Have you seen Tropic Thunder?’
‘Oh yeah, Tom Cruise was really funny’
‘TOM CRUISE?! TOM FUCKING CRUISE?! TOM FUCKING CRUISE WAS FUCKING FUNNY? WHAT FUCKING DICK INFESTED WORLD HAVE YOU SCRAMBLED OUT OF, SMEARING TOM FUCKING CRUISE’S SCIENTIFICALLY ABNORMAL CUM INTO YOUR EYEBALLS TO SHROUD YOUR FUCKING JUDGEMENT. TOM FUCKING CRUISE’.
I would just like to point out I am a fan of a few of his films; Mission Impossible, Minority Report, even fucking Top Gun, to name a few. Tom Cruise is not a comedian though. He’s not funny. He realises people are forgetting him, so he’s helplessly adorned a fat suit in the last grasp for attention, very much like how Eddie Murphy went out in a blaze of farts.
Robert Downey Jr. was the star of that movie, not Tom Cruise. RECOGNISE.