Louis Theroux recently spoke with members of the porn community who were remarkably upset that the Internet was actually causing a decline in their profits. The natural step for the industry is to move away from identikit sequels with identikit girls performing identikit acts, and branch out more. The parody genre has been well documented, and covers everything from giving a generic film a punny title to accurately recreating the whole of Seinfeld with comeshots. After that has come the celebrity performance. Ever wondered what former WWF Intercontinental Champion Chyna looks like while having uncomfortable anal sex? Wonder no more. It’s exactly as fun for you the viewer, as it is for her.
Next on the carousel of cock is a woman who hasn’t had much exposure in the UK before – Octomom Nadya Suleman. Sadly, Octomom doesn’t mean that she is the loving parent of an octopus, but that she had eight children all at the same time. One at a time, firing out like ping-pong balls in a novelty stage act.
To say the very, VERY least, the ideas of children and pornography together is ever so slightly contentious, so when filming a porno with a woman whose only claim to fame is having lots of children, perhaps you’d want to step away from that slightly? Y’know, just not mention it at all?
Nah, the film itself is even called Octomom Home Alone, and features creepy imagery like a washing line with baby socks and shirts hanging off it, while Octomom herself sits all oiled up in her underwear and does the washing. Predictably she gets bored of doing the chores and glares into the camera while groping at her artificially inflated boobs as though she can’t believe the doctor ramped them up to JJJ. After pulling her nipples and really road-testing the doctor’s stitching, she stops and gurns at you, daring you to try and touch yourself.
In the next scene, she flaps around on the sort of leopard-print futon that every porn star is obligated to keep by the pool. Her breasts are rolled out of an ill-fitting vest (seriously, had nobody told her that she was having a boob job? Everything seems like a surprise to her) and she delicately gives us a gynaecologist’s-eye view of her vagina. Is this the bit where we’re supposed to cast an amateur eye over it and marvel that 14 different children came out of it? NO, you’re not meant to be thinking about children. This is awful.
Next up, she masturbates in front of a waterfall, and there’s really nothing to say apart from a five second flash where everything goes black and white. Was this an artistic choice by the director? Trying to pull a Kill Bill style moment on us? Or, more likely, had the camera just screwed up a bit and they couldn’t be bothered to edit around it?
Scene four is mercifully short, and features Nadya performing the most cringe-worthy mum dancing in her kitchen. She’s wearing a negligee thing, and dancing around while ironing and making food. What could be sexier than an iron in one hand and a pan of raw bacon in the other? The best bit though is where she pulls out a giant jug of milk (not her breast, for once), sniffs it, and recoils in disgust. Phwoar, eh? But she’s supposed to be home alone – is she cooking all those rashers of bacon for herself? In her underwear? That’s awfully decedent for a day off.
Finally, things take a turn for the sensual, as she lights candles and gets into a half-filled bath, purely to soap up her boobs and give them a rub. After just a couple of minutes (what a waste of water) she gets out and plays with herself for bloody ages, eventually just giving up and tentatively sucking the vibrator like Tulisa on a first date.
It’s fair to say that she doesn’t have any natural screen-presence or sex appeal, and that paying a bankrupt celebrity (no matter how minor they are) to fiddle with her bits for your benefit is a very easy path to horrors. There’s absolutely nothing erotic about the tape, and sadly Nadya’s body has been tightened, enhanced and stretched beyond anything that looks normal – her lips are puffed up like a ruptured arsehole, her breasts seem to have been bolted back on, and her stomach is unnaturally taut. It’s a shame that things have fallen this far for her, where trading off the fact that she has loads of kids and a willingness to pretend-masturbate for the world is her best chance of making money.
Illustrations by the wonderful Chainbear