Remember when the producers of American Pie went mental and let anyone who fancied a go release a sequel? When the criteria for a “teen sex comedy” became “throw some tits in and have someone ingest a bodily fluid by mistake”? The team behind Hole in One did, and came out with a film that’s a bit like American Pie (in fact, “star” Steve Talley played one of the many members of the extended Stifler family), which has gratuitous tits and very few jokes.
The DVD case even says “AMERICAN PIE PLAYS GOLF”, which isn’t a quote from a review or anything, just a tag-line they threw on to try and drag one extra sale out of a stupid American Pie fan.
Eric (Talley) plays an underachieving student but overachieving golfer who makes his money by hustling tourists on the golf course. See, “Hole in One” is a golfing term, but could also probably be applied loosely to sex if you don’t think about it too hard.
Eric gets out-hustled by two golf-playing plastic surgeons, of the variety seen on every golf course in the world. Really. It gets worse – because Eric can’t afford to pay his side of the bet, the doctors get to perform a piece of experimental surgery on him.
What could this experimental surgery be? A radical new way of sculpting noses? An easy way to remove tattoos? No, of course not.
They give Eric a pair of tits. Big, bouncing Double Ds. An invasive and personal piece of surgery performed on someone who didn’t know what it would be. This isn’t a throwaway moment either, it’s the crux of the entire plot. “Let’s give tits to the douchebag”. Even in American Pie’s 19th sequel, where a guy accidentally snorts his nan’s ashes and pisses on a lizard, things aren’t this utterly, irredeemably shit.
This is exactly as funny as it sounds, especially as – either – the surgeons are fucking incompetent, or the prosthetics department had to make do with a couple of lumps of plastic held together with gaffa tape and string.
Eric blah blah fucking blah becomes a better person and loses the tits again. It couldn’t be more by-numbers if it tried. And honestly, it didn’t try. Not even a little bit. If you want to laugh along as a Tiger Woods impersonator in a bra shows off his swing, or chuckle as men are inherently drawn to Eric’s chest, then go nuts. You’d be better off just looking at a pair of actual tits and then crying for an hour. It’s what we ended up doing.
The most upsetting thing is that Superman himself, Dean Cain, turns up as a preposterous repo man, a real sign of how far he has fallen since those glory days of arsing about in his pants with Teri Hatcher.
Sample scene: “Would you like a t-shirt?” “Okay!” *takes off t-shirt and stands around topless for a bit*