The Best of Jim Davidson’s Blog by shoutingatco.ws
Jim Davidson OBE, comedian and embodiment of the 1970s, has a blog. We’re not particularly thrilled that he has an OBE, but it’s easier to make fun of the blog. He covers everything from current events to the state of his career.
He talks about the Queen’s Jubilee and the Olympics:
My favorite bit was the stange black woman dressed as batgirl doing the hula hoop!! Someone tell me what that was doing on a show that didn’t have David Bowie,Quo,the stones,the who,Pink floyd,Brian ferry and Rod Stuwart. While we’re at it Who booked those fucking comics? Special need comedian Jimmy Carr excelled him self in cuntishness.Why do they all take the easy shot at HRH?It’s just so bad taste.What were they trying to achieve? apart from preening the fact that they were there and others(ME!!!) were not.
Jim Davidson on The Queen’s Jubilee Concert
Talking of the Olympics… Let’s hope that our black people beat all the other black people! Us Brits are the best …aren’t we?I cant see anyone beating Bolt can you? Let’s see how we do in “White week” That’s the bit on the front of the propper events…sailing, badminton ect.
Jim Davidson on The Olympics
He writes panto, with the sort of killer jokes that everyone can get behind and fail to understand.
The uglies have a line that brings the house down.” Come on Virgina it’s not safe up here,A fucking Krankie could drop on yer any minute”(a reference to the fact that Jenette Krankie fell from a beanstalk and injured herself while doing panto at the theatre!) The Krankies are good mates they won’t mind the joke.(I hope)
Jim Davidson on laugh a minute panto japes
Best line in Sinerella so far: Sinders to her Father…”I could do more,I could start bathing myself now!”
Jim Davidson on writing panto
There’s insights into his personal and professional lives
My new cook book is available to buy online at my website and we’ve had the first copies delivered. I am very proud of it, despite the fact that I’ve got some of the pictures of the food in the wrong place. Still I’m a bloody comedian, what do you expect? Although I’m a bit thick, I figure that most people reading will realize that a picture of a pork chop is not cod and chips! It makes it a funnier book in a way. Once you get round the idea that the recipe follows the big colourful pictures of food, you’ll be fine.
I’m very proud of this cook book. It’s the best thing I’ve done in a long while
Jim Davidson makes an amateurish mess of his cook book
I am glad this year is over. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The play was a financial disaster; the car blew up; the boat caught fire and I was banned from driving.
Jim Davidson’s First World Problems
When I was married to Tracy I had an affair with a Girl…a model.She was full of fun and lived a Flim flam life that I was quickly and regrettably drawn into. I would have realised that she was a Walter Mittie and dangerous and moved on,had my fling and returned to the fold.How ever those bastards at the Mirror decided that this Tory boy would get his come-uppence.They got the pictures and drove to my house and showed them to my wife.My marriage was instantly over.The knock on the door for a family Sunday Lunch was not me but some scum from the Tabloids who had decided that my marriage was finished. I never got that Sunday lunch…ever again! Now then, I shouldn’t have had the affair I hear you cry.But I did.I didn’t want my marriage to end but THEY did.It did, and my kid’s Dad departed from the family home and financial stability! I hate the tabloids and their scum reporters and their men hating over-promoted editors. I hope Rupert Murdoch sleeps well. ” Wasn’t our fault…you had the affair” nice!
Jim Davidson blames the tabloids for the breakdown of his marriage
There’s plenty of jobs out there but why bother looking when you can earn more for sitting on your arse, like Ricky Tomlinson and the awful Royale family or that equally horrible bunch in Shameless? There seems to be no shame in scrounging from the country and rely on someone else’s taxes to pay for them. Alright, I know I opted out of paying tax for a while, but I’m making up for it now – don’t you worry about that!
Jim Davidson doesn’t like it when other people sponge off the system. He was declared bankrupt in 2006, and at one point owed £1.4m in back-taxes.
Jim doesn’t like other comedians.
I nearly bumped into comedian Kevin Bridges the other morning. I hid my head and scuttled past. I couldn’t be done with another lecture about the rights and wrongs of comedy from him. Last time we met he bollocked me for calling a fellow comedian an Indian Poof! Well, I learnt a lesson, never criticize or even repeat what, ‘protected species’ say, even in jest. It’s funny how the new bunch thinks that anyone who laughs at us old bunch are racist homophobic morons.
Eddie seems to have an insatiable desire to be noticed. That probably accounts for the way he dresses. It now seems that a British audience is not enough for Eddie and he has been doing the act in France in French. Wow, how clever is that? He even says he wants to do it in more languages. This man is staggeringly clever. Well, why bother? Is it for money or just the desire to impress people?
I remember the New Faces show well and frankly I was a bit embarrassed to be asked to be a panelist; after all it was only 10 years before that I was on New Faces myself. One of the acts featured on this television program was a guy called Vinny. He was from Blackpool of course, and spent the whole program telling us how he’d fucked up his life, his family and his children. He even got a bit teary and his lip started quivering cos he missed being a star. What a dick!
However, he was a big pal of Frank Carson, despite this anecdote making him sound like a drunken, babbling idiot.
One truly memorable occasion must be the Dubai Comedy Festival. I had booked several entertainers to do a week-long festival of comedy in the UAE. Frank turned up pissed, having imbibed heavily on the inbound flight, where apparently he told jokes to everybody, including the pilots, non-stop for 7 hours! He then told jokes to the taxi driver who couldn’t speak English! There were about 20 comics in this festival but none as good as Frank – so he kept telling us! I remember Jason Manford being on stage, followed by Stephen K Amos and Frank continually heckled them. I told Frank to shut up, and asked, “`Why are you doing this?” To which he replied, “Because they’re not funny.” He stood up in his chair and shouted loudly to the audience, “Thank God I’m here!” And funnily enough the audience agreed! He finally fell asleep in the elevator after totally exhausting himself. He told jokes day and night, relentlessly, even to us who had heard them all before!
When he ran out of jokes, which was rare, he started to speak in a language that he had invented himself. He truly was one of life’s great characters. Everybody loved him, even though he drove us mad!
He shares his enlightened opinions on race and immigration!
as time gores on and the bigots in that country will find,as funny as bigotry appears to be it is also dangerous. Not so much for the victim but for the perpetrator., filling ones heart with hatred and fear will eat away at your soul and make you arseholeish!!
Jim Davidson on racism
While I risk the accusation of being racist, it has to be said that the amount of immigration that our country has had to put up with in the last 10 years is staggering – absolute mind-boggling stupidity. The awful Labour party (which is supposed to represent the British workers) has swamped our country with immigrants from all over the world. What we are witnessing is the systemic destruction of our once proud country. We have figures this week that two thirds of all babies born in London have foreign parents. In some parts of the East End of London, 81% of all births are to migrants. In Leicester, 44% of school pupils are white. In years to come English will be the secondary language of Great Britain. How has this happened? I recorded a programme yesterday for The One Show when I visited my old house in Charlton. The lovely shops at the end of the road are now mostly boarded up, apart from the Chinese chip shop and the typical Pakistani corner shop. The place was covered in graffiti and filth, and there were bars, locks, chains and shutters on everything that could be stolen or broken. It never used to be like that – what’s happened?
Where are all the British people? Black, white and brown, it doesn’t matter – where are they? All I seem to meet are people who have English as their second language. What on earth was going through the Labour Party’s mind when they invited all these people? There are still some 600,000 immigrants a year coming through our country, mostly from Africa and Asia. This is madness. And to put the cherry on the cake, we have just sent £220 million to the terrorist capital of the world, Somalia…what the fuck for? Surely there’s no one there!
Only 44% of school pupils are white, but “black, white and brown, it doesn’t matter.” Except it does matter, doesn’t it Jim. Your country being eaten away by the “typical Pakistanis” with their corner-shops.
And our absolute favourite piece is a letter written to Jim by the Chief Executive of a Norwich theatre, explaining why they won’t be inviting him back…
Dear Jim,
Every six weeks all our senior managers gather to discuss the shows that have appeared on our stage over the period. We write and save an Assessment Form. This is from the form from your last show, August 15, 2004:Very rude to staff. Arguments over figures, drinks etc, and personal comments that are not acceptable.
From the show report of that evening it is plain that you publicly insulted and demeaned my front of house colleagues, offensively queried the house returns, and refused to accept our policy on wheelchair users, and that your company manager Steve Farr behaved as badly.
I’m sorry of course that your many fans – and I’m not for a moment questioning your popularity as an entertainer – have to travel to catch your act.
But I prefer not to have you in our theatre because there is not a single person here who finds this sort of behaviour acceptable. If asked by the people of Norwich, I will be more than happy to make public our specific objections.
Good wishes,
Peter
Who would have suspected that he’d be exactly the sort of shit you thought he was?
And this final note from Jim himself:
In fact, I can’t understand for the life of me, why people would log on to a website of someone they don’t like.
Because, Jim, it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever done. By a fucking country mile, you bigoted old prick.
Recent Posts
The Internet
Comments
Leave a Reply
© 2012
‘lets hope that our black people beat all the other black people’
I dont understand why colour is an issue, and I never understand why people get so bothered about points such as; ‘. We have figures this week that two thirds of all babies born in London have foreign parents. In some parts of the East End of London, 81% of all births are to migrants. In Leicester, 44% of school pupils are white.’
If you love your country so much, why is it such a problem to you that other people agree and want to join you? Only an accident of birth makes you a citizen of anywhere.
My estimation of Kevin Bridges has gone even further up though, cracking anecdote!
Totally agree with all he says.
legend.
“Totally agree with all he says.”
That’s because you’re a cunt.
Jim’s also in denial that black people can drive cars:
http://eyevee.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/jim-davidson-dismisses-sighting-of-black-man-driving-a-car-as-a-mirage/
I worked at that Norwich theatre, and can confirm that every word is true. Unutterable cunt of a man.