Catwoman (2004) Dir. Pitof
I did it. I finally sat down and illegally streamed Catwoman because fuck you, I’m not buying that shit. It starts off with a title sequence, which sounds similar to when Billy Bob Thornton passionately penetrated Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball, layered with obscure images of cats. Which does awful things to my state of mind. I already have an uncomfortable relationship with cats – I love them in a very sexual way so they attack me with life-destroying allergies. You are then introduced to PATIENCE PHILLIPS What? Yes. Patience WHAT? I have an idea, shit in my ears please, QUICK.
Patience, while dressed in a curtain, has her arse handed to her by her boss, to which she murmurs like a farting vagina and wanders off, teary eyed. She’s an aspiring artist you see, and something something – by this point (12 minutes in), everything was blurred from tears having an epileptic fit in my eyes. After tying my hands down and clamping my head straight, I was able to continue watching without the knee jerk reaction to punch myself in the neck.
It is then revealed that an anti-aging cream developed in the company Patience works for is fatal and she finds out, and OH SHIT WAIT, MY HAND HAS COME FREE OH GOD I;KFVB;Cnk.navck ,nxcmn ,m,mk.lkm|
Okay I’ve tied my hands down again…currently typing with my face to avoid the risk of suicide. Some pretty weird things have happened which involve cats and a near death experience, but it’s okay because she’s awoken with a perfectly made up face, hair and clothing. I forgot to mention there’s a guy in it also but who cares? Do you? I don’t.
Patience starts acting out of character and there’s this one scene at a basketball court and I JUST WANT TO DIE, SOMEONE UNTIE ME. I thought Halle Berry was meant to be a good actress? I can’t remember.
OH LOOK IT’S SHARON STONE! The Madonna of movies. This woman should have given up after she flashed us her cootch. Currently watching a scene of Halle Berry squatting around her flat while on the phone. Moments of Jeff Goldblum in ‘The Fly’ flash before my eyes. I want to know who wrote this and thought ‘OMG! OMG GUYS! I have the perfect idea for a scene of her on the phone! Let’s give her THRUSH’. Right now, Halle Berry is as sexy as my untrimmed pubic hair.
Where did she get a bike from? I wasn’t watching. I was too busy sighing at her ‘makeover’. DON’T EVER TELL ME. I want this to be the one mystery of the film. Nothing has been explained, but I can only assume it’s created for the mind of a drunk, blind 5 year old to enjoy. I can sleep tonight if I tell myself that. Am I half way through yet? When will this end? Oh God, I’m only 40 minutes in.
Sorry, I’ve skipped it a bit to try and find something interesting. There’s a club scene, so I’m hoping to see some awful dancing and outfits. Oh wow, it’s worse than I thought, she’s dancing with a whip. I’m going to try this next time I’m out and I know it’ll be 10 seconds before I’m thrown out, arrested or beaten senseless. Or I would hope someone has the sense to put me out of my misery. My favourite part so far is that Patience stands as if she’s doing a wee, when dressed as Catwoman. CUNTwoman – just thought of that. I’m bored. Oh look, there’s a little fly in my room buzzing about. Ha, aww, it’s landed on my lightbulb but it’s hot, and it’s jumped off. Bless it.
I’ve skipped it again. You’re not really paying attention though are you? You know what I watched the other day? Avengers Assemble. You should watch that, it’s very good. Hulk’s amazing; he stole the show in my eyes.
The film is ‘over’ (I screamed while shutting it off one hour in) so I’ve closed my browser and deleted my internet history. I’m going to go be sick for a few hours now. The things I do for you guys.